The Stress Nanny with Lindsay Miller: Mindfulness for Parents
“With her down-to-earth, practical style, Josephine guides us through activities and insights to create a sense of steadying awareness.”
In this episode sponsored by The Essential Calendar, a must-have tool for busy families, Josephine Atluri shares insights from her recent book Mindfulness Journal for Parents: Prompts and Practices to Stay Calm, Present and Connected.
THE STRESS NANNY PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Lindsay Miller (00:23):
Welcome to the Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host Lindsay Miller and I'm delighted that you're here for some tips on how to stress less. Today, my guest is Josephine Atluri. We are chatting again after a little bit of a break because Josephine's new book just came out. Josephine thanks so much for joining me.
Josephine Atluri (00:40):
Thanks so much for having me on the show again. I'm so excited to be here and talk mindfulness with you.
Lindsay Miller (00:46):
Yes, me too. Josephine is an expert in meditation and mindfulness. She's helped thousands of people overcome adversity to find joy. A University of Chicago graduate, Josephine spent many years consulting for Fortune 500 companies and private clients. Pursuing her passion for total wellness, she became certified as a meditation teacher through Unplug Meditation. Josephine combines her business background with her meditation training to teach corporate mindfulness sessions. Her experience creating her modern day family of now seven children. I was going to say at the time it was five, but now you've just added your twins, her seven children through in vitro fertilization, international adoption and surrogacy, inspires her work as a highly sought after fertility and parenting mindfulness coach. Josephine hosts a popular podcast, Responding to Life: Talking Health, Fertility, and Parenthood, where she interviews guests on their inspiring responses to life's challenges. Her parenting mindfulness expertise and fertility advocacy work has been featured in Motherly, Mind, Body, Green, The Bump, Prevention Magazine, Well and Good and Woman's Day. Josephine lives with her husband and seven kids and their cockapoo in what she likes to call her Casa de Calm con Chaos.
Lindsay Miller (02:01):
In Los Angeles, California. [Laughing] I love that your house of calm in chaos.
Josephine Atluri (02:08):
We'll do our walks here in L.A. Some of the houses have these cute little plaques with nice names. I always say to my husband, "what would our house be called?" and then it hit me.
Lindsay Miller (02:20):
That's fantastic. I feel like that's most homes, right?
Josephine Atluri (02:23):
Yeah.
Lindsay Miller (02:30):
So talk to me about how the book came about because when you and I chatted last, it was I think the beginning of the year, and we were exploring the idea of helplessness when it comes to navigating challenges and how taking a more mindful approach can help us access a sense of empowerment and I love how much this book empowers parents.
Josephine Atluri (02:51):
Yeah. You know, back before I even started doing any meditation formal training, I was just meditating on my own. And I immediately saw the benefits that it reaped on, on my parenting and my relationship with my kids in terms of simple things, such as how I responded to any meltdowns that they were having or any sort of big and heightened feelings that they would have. Before, there would be a mixture of things that would happen so I would resort to previous ways of dealing with them. I would be distracted. I would bring up, unknowingly sometimes, things from the past that had happened to me, that had happened between me and that child, and use that as a frame of reference versus just being aware of what was really happening in that moment with that particular child that was causing this reaction and what needed to happen in that moment.
Josephine Atluri (03:54):
So it was, it was amazing for me to see immediately the benefits of that. And there's so many benefits of mindfulness and meditation, as you know, to our health and to other aspects of our relationships and things. But when I saw that playing out in my parenting, it was just, I just felt like I had to share it. And so this opportunity presented itself and I thought, what a great way to sort of give people just a quick look at mindfulness and parents are busy, you know, they don't necessarily have the time to read a thick sort of nonfiction book about stress and parenting and a new parenting approach that requires us to sort of learn all these new steps and techniques, this, you know, this book that I created, I wanted it to be realistic, which is much like how I approach my meditation and mindfulness training; which is just approachable and realistic to what your life is like, because I know how busy it gets and I know how well-intentioned we all can be, but we need the tools that are accessible and realistic and this journal provides that.
Lindsay Miller (05:07):
It really does. And I think one of the things that I love, you know, reading through it was the vignettes that you provide at the beginning of each section. And you give just a simple example of like a parenting story and the way that maybe mindfulness changed it, but also like, you're really realistic about what parenting looks like, you know, like this, this happened and you know, the parent responded in this way and they didn't want to, but they just didn't have any other tools. And like you said in your introduction just now, like you accessing those tools totally changed your ability to respond and I love how you share those vignettes in a way that helps people just connect really quickly with like the power you can access when you practice.
Josephine Atluri (05:50):
Yeah, no, those were definitely essential because when you're talking to a friend and you hear their experience about what's happening with their child you can relate to that, and it makes you feel supported - it makes you feel heard - and it makes you feel like you're not alone in this wild journey of parenthood. And so it was important for me to include those so that the parents that are reading could also have that same feeling, knowing that they weren't alone in this wild ride of parenthood. And then understanding from that point of where they're able to relate, then seeing how all of the subsequent journal prompts and exercises that I bring up can then help them from where they were, what they were feeling in that, you know, vignettes that they resonated with.
Lindsay Miller (06:42):
Yeah. Applying it. And I think maybe I didn't do a very good job at the beginning of our conversation explaining the book, but it's called the Mindfulness Journal for Parents and it has these different sections with a little bit of information and then just journal prompts. But the journal prompts are so powerful because you're, you're so skilled at teaching within the prompt, like a few simple things and then bringing awareness to a few simple things and then allowing parents to explore like you're describing right now on their own. So they have context for kind of how this principle applies, but then they can do that individual exploration that is really what's going to empower their ability to respond to their children.
Josephine Atluri (07:21):
Right. No, it was, it was crucial to have a good mix of a voice to explore, right? So, you know, some people are really good at journaling and have that as part of life or have used that tool in their lives and then other people need actual examples of techniques and how to do it, sort of step-by-step approaches on how to incorporate it, and then also some people, like I said with the vignettes, also needed to hear real stories of what they probably are experiencing. So it's a great mix of all of those things put together and it gives you a way to really challenge what your approach is and it helps you sort of in a trust to flow into first real realization of oneself and then eventually progressing into your relationship and your communication and your connection with your child. Much like that, that adage of always taking care of oneself and putting the mask on oneself. Well, we have to be able to understand what mindfulness means for ourselves and how we can apply it to ourselves before we can then use it with our children and try to teach it to our children. And ultimately, it helps us as individuals, but it also helps us as parents. So that was, that was the thinking behind that progression where in the beginning it's all what's mindfulness and then what's self care for us, and then eventually moving on to how it relates to our kids.
Lindsay Miller (08:54):
Yeah, and loved, I loved that progression as I was going through it. I was thinking about how, you know, when I coach kids in mindfulness, a lot of what I run into when I'm talking to parents is I don't know how to do this. You know, like I feel like this is important. I feel like my child would benefit from this. And I, I don't know how to do it because I'll share videos online and I'll give suggestions and you know, just share little tidbits for people. Like here's how you could approach your kids with, you know, this topic. And it's interesting because so frequently, you know, you get that feedback where if someone doesn't have experience with it, it feels completely overwhelming to them to even think about teaching it to their kids or using it in a family setting. And so it really is essential to go back to the basics personally, like you describing the journal and how your, your prompts really do provide this step-by-step process of building mindfulness within your individual life, and then being able to translate the change that you experienced in yourself, as well as like the principles themselves into your family and see them, you know, flourish and connect with you in a different way as a result.
Josephine Atluri (10:01):
Yeah. Well, it essentially followed my own progression and how that happened for me and my family and that just seemed like the, the most authentic way to present mindfulness to people. You know, this is geared towards people who may not have ever heard of mindfulness, may have never employed it in their, in their lives. Sothat just seemed like the best way to approach it.
Lindsay Miller (10:29):
I loved it. Well, and I think to speak to the idea of simplicity, because one of the things that you are really skillful at is providing those prompts and then even just different exercises cause it's not all journaling, you have like some charting and you have some just different diagrams that people just jot down notes in, and it seems like such a revolutionary idea that these simple practices and just taking a few minutes a day to do these simple journal prompts could have these far reaching effects in people's lives. But that's the beauty of mindfulness, right?
Josephine Atluri (11:04):
Yes, exactly. You hit the nail on the head. The beauty of mindfulness is it's so simple. It's people think it's something that's really complicated and requires years and years of practice to be able to really reap in any benefits but that isn't true and that's one of the first things that I always tell people who are kind of on the fence about whether or not they should try it and add it to their repertoire, is that when it comes down to it, it's really just this understanding of the present moment. It's really just taking everything else away and just understanding what is happening right now. And what's happening right now is you're, you're breathing, you're here wherever you are. You're, you're there and you're breathing and what's happening around you is something that you're witnessing and what you're feeling inside of you in that moment.
Josephine Atluri (11:53):
That's all awareness and that's all being mindful. And so it's not a complicated process. And that is just the beauty of mindfulness is that simplistic nature of it. And when you can apply something as simple as taking a breath, it really does allow you like these great changes. And I think maybe we had discussed it on our previous interview, but our breath is this gateway for moving us from a state of stress and into a state of calm just by the nature of slowing it down, taking a deep breath, it automatically sends a signal in our brain that we're no longer triggered. We're no longer in that state of fight or flight. Our lives aren't being endangered. And that we are moving into this calmer state. And then all of these things start to happen. Like our heartbeats start to slow down our blood pressure lowers.
Josephine Atluri (12:47):
We, if we were hot, our body's cooled down and we're able to then bring in clarity because now our minds aren't sort of hyper-focused on this one thing and we've taken that pause and we're able to respond to life in a more mindful way. And so that by definition is something so simple, something that we do all the time, we're always breathing, but we take it for granted. But the power of that breath, that simple breath has, you know, has so many benefits to how we then move forward. And that's one of the big things that I talk about in the book is utilizing different breathing strategies for ourselves. And then later on, introducing it to how we can teach our kids to utilize breathing, whether that's, you know, bedtime or modeling it for them when they're having big emotions. So that is an example of how I like to just present everything in a simplistic way, because it really does match what mindfulness is. It's a very simple strategy for how to approach your life and to interact with others.
Lindsay Miller (14:00):
I think too, one of the things that is beautiful about this idea of journaling and practicing through these prompts is how you can develop the consistency. Cause that's another aspect of it, right? I mean, it's so simple. And sometimes because it's so simple, we don't take the time to do it because we're like, well, is it really going to make that big of a difference or it's no big deal if I just missed this day, but when it comes to mindfulness, that consistency is pretty huge, right? In terms of your practice and how to have that impact in the benefits of it in your life consistently in your relationships, in your own mental and emotional wellbeing. So talk to me about how journaling can, can help people cultivate that consistency that's essential when it comes to mindfulness and meditation.
Josephine Atluri (14:46):
So consistency is definitely a key. We've all heard that before and essentially what's happening there is that, you know, we're creating this pattern, this habit and we're flexing our muscle, right? We're flexing that muscle or brain of how to access this way of approaching life. So by doing it just a few minutes a day, whichever piece of the book you want to do, whether it's a journal prompt, or if you want to do one of the exercises, just dedicating a few minutes, that's all you really need. That puts you in that frame of mind of approaching life in a mindful way. In that way of being present to what's happening to yourself and to your children. And so if you are able to just explore a few minutes a day using one of those techniques, then you're just building up that ability to be able to access that mindful awareness, that frame of mind, when things get really complicated.
Josephine Atluri (15:49):
So when you start to have a child melting down rather than approaching life from the way you used to, maybe sort of emotionally and from drawing upon past experiences now, because you've practiced every day and you have that, you know, that neural pathway, that connection in your mind to access this mindful approach, then you're able to go there quicker. You're able to go there and, and have that as your option, because it really is just, you know, in this quick moment, our brain needs to know where to go. But when we practice and we keep practicing, then our brain will favor going into that approach, but we need to practice because we need to teach ourselves how to get there. And so the more and more you're able to do it and just little bite-sized pieces of being mindful and approaching life in that way, the better you're able you can do with this when it's really complicated in life and it gets chaotic. So I find that consistency for me can be determining this, all it sort of it's full circle, you're being mindful of when I'm able to do these things. So I even noted in the introduction that it's best, if you can piggyback it onto an existing habit that you already have. So if you're a morning person and you, and you know that as, as adults, we kind of already know every morning people are we nighttime people and be truthful to that.
Lindsay Miller (17:22):
[Laughing]
Josephine Atluri (17:23):
We always have the best of intentions. I want to be a morning person, but if you're really a night person, then when you're trying to add something new, that's when you should add it, because then you know that you're, you're setting yourself up for success and you just add it on to something that is already a routine for you. So that way you can ensure that it will happen. So if you're a nighttime person like myself, then right, when you're before, you're about to brush your teeth or after then take that opportunity to do one of those journal prompts or one of those breathing exercises that are in the book. And it's a great time to reflect on your day, like what happened and unwind for yourself. But if you're a morning person, it's a great way to set your intentions and to just start your day in that mindful way and set yourself up for success. So there's no right or wrong, really, what is essential there is that consistency, as you mentioned, but also being really truthful to yourself of when you know you can make it happen and then being smart about it by attaching it to something that you're already doing.
Lindsay Miller (18:30):
Yeah. Habit stacking is one of my favorite habit principles. So I love the idea of connecting it to something you're already doing and then honoring the time of day that it's going to work for you the best. One of the things, I'm glad you brought it up, was the breathing exercises because I think that, you know, sometimes we can get overwhelmed or even in those moments when it's like, okay, I'm definitely a morning person - I'm going to crack this thing open - you know, just after I do my meditation in the morning and I'm going to get going with a journal prompt, but sometimes life doesn't cooperate, right? Like we get interrupted or there's a moment where like, you know, someone is sick and we have to go attend to them. Or we have a meeting that's early, or we got to get the kids out the door.
Lindsay Miller (19:12):
And so I love the idea of even just like the goal being to crack open the book at that time, you know, like, and if I think there was a 16 second breathing exercise, right? Like box breathing in there, you had, so, I mean, you can do 16 seconds, fit that in for sure, right? And so it wasn't that you had to spend 10 minutes journaling even, it was, you could set your intention, you know, just a quick sentence or do one of the breathing exercises or just give yourself like a mindful moment each day and use the book as the vehicle for that and that commitment to just crack the book open, you know, just to engage with it in some way or at some level, it, it seems so realistic like you were describing.
Josephine Atluri (19:52):
Another, you know, another thing that I like to do, especially with those journal prompts is if you are tacking it on to something that is an existing ritual for yourself, the great thing about the journal prompt is that it's asking you questions. It's challenging you to think about your life, to think about other things that have happened in the past, think about and evaluate what you're doing in the present and why you're doing things. You know, this, it takes time to really think about it. And so if you're able to do it somehow in your morning routine and or your evening routine say, you're brushing your teeth, then you, you know, you have it right there, you read that journal prompt, and while you're brushing your teeth, taking off your makeup, whatever it is, you're thinking about it rather than thinking about all the other things that you could possibly be thinking about. And here, at least it's sort of this mindful exercise, all rolled into this evening routine that you have. And then when you're done with that, then you will have thought of some answers to those questions and then quickly jot it down. If you're not a writer, then I also like to leave voice memos for myself and get it done that way, but it really can be sort of this fluid approach and a great way to really throw it into your existing rituals that's realistic and will help you just really dig deep within.
Lindsay Miller (21:18):
That's great. I love the idea of, yeah. Letting yourself contemplate as your doing something else and then allowing it to just kind of distill on you as you consider the prompt. And they are so thought provoking. I know, as I was reading through and looking at the different prompts and thinking about my responses, I was really struck by how you cut to the heart of the issue or, you know, the topic. And if you're not, it's like you said, you're efficient about it. We're not like spending 10 minutes, you know, prepping to answer or to ask a question, you just like cut to it, but you do it in a way that's accessible. And so one of the things that I, you know, I felt in my own self, as I was working through it, was this idea of confidence building and how, as you, as you step-by-step move through those prompts in that progressive way that you set them up, you do gain confidence in your own journey cause you can look back and say, oh wow, look at, I mean, look at the progress that I've made. And then you have reflection on there. Like, you know, how, how have you responded this time differently than another time and giving yourself kind of the kudos, little stopping points on your journey, to build that sense of like, I can do this, this is something that's, you know, burgeoning for me a skill that I'm able to actually look back and say, wow, I'm changed. I'm different.
Josephine Atluri (22:36):
I'll address the, the confidence portion of it. But I just did have to make a quick note about how I really just cut to the chase because as moms, as parents, we all, we're all short on time, but we all have those friends I'm sure, like one best friend of ours, who will just immediately just cut to the chase, we'll find out what's happening, problem-solve for each other and then get back to life because we don't have time to waste. There's no time for chit-chat, not like in the old days where you could sit for coffee and whatever. And so that was, that was my, that was the voice in my head as I was writing this and just cutting to the chase and let's, let's tackle this issue right now and, and get you some results, is my best friend.
Josephine Atluri (23:26):
That's why I wanted it to feel like. And so with the idea of confidence, I love how you bring that up because that also is, you know, one of the goals is to be confident in your own skin, as an individual, but also as a parent. And to know that, to remind yourself that you are, you are taking these great steps to, to level up your parenting, to really transform it. And so that you can be present to what's happening and really appreciate, and cultivate this wonderful relationship with your child. And so that was another goal - to empower and inspire the people, the parents that are reading this so that they, after the book and as they continue on with employing all of these strategies and, and this mindset, that they can know that they're doing, they're doing a great job, every single, every single time that they're, that they try to do something and they want to do things that they're doing a great job and that they can be confident in knowing that just by trying and you know, maybe it works that day, maybe it doesn't, that they're building up these skills and it benefits themselves and their children.
Lindsay Miller (24:40):
Yeah, no, I can really appreciate what you're saying about wanting the efficient friend to step in and just help you guide you through it and to help you develop that level of confidence so that it's just a part of you and you can move on and get on with your life because I think you're right - and you talk about it at the beginning - is that when we undertake the practice, we sometimes think it's going to take years and years and years for us to get to a level of proficiency. And while there is like a depth that comes over years of practice and a different level of awareness, that immediate results can be pretty profound. And so you, you being able to just guide someone here, get your journal out, start writing, start thinking next week your life's going to be different. I mean, that's a pretty big promise, but it's legit, right?
Josephine Atluri (25:23):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's what I've been, that's what I've been hearing from a lot of reviews of people who have been looking at the book is, is that very idea that they can just pick it up and they don't necessarily have to go in sequential order, but they'll pick it up. They'll find something that resonates with them at the moment. And in just a few minutes, just by exploring whatever questions are being asked or doing a certain exercise, they're able to walk away with something tangible that they learned about themselves, about their parenting, and then just quickly utilize it and immediately see changes at the very least, see changes in how they're looking at life and how they're looking at that particular situation and how they deal with it. And really when you think about it, the first step to any changes that awareness, and one of those that you have, you know, with certain things like addiction, awareness that even have a problem, right?
Josephine Atluri (26:19):
You can't change anything if you aren't aware and aren't willing to recognize that there's an issue. And so this is not to say that, you know, you have an issue, you have a problem, but that's sort of my comparison. And so in this regard, when you're, when you're opening up that book and you're exploring a question, what what's happening is that you're just recognizing what's happening, good, bad areas of growth or things that you're killing it at. And just understanding that, and just opening your eyes to it, makes a world of a difference because then you can see where you need to, to grow or see how you can improve on a system that's already working. And at the very least appreciate the fact that you are already doing a great job or appreciate the fact that now, you know, that there's some changes that perhaps you need to make and your eyes are open to it.
Josephine Atluri (27:16):
I mean, it's hard for me to really explain how profound it is when your eyes are just finally open. And you're really just witnessing the moment. It is life changing. You know, you go, we often go through life, just doing so many, so many things at once that we don't really just stop and appreciate the moment. Like there are so many unconscious thoughts and processes that are happening in our brain that we're doing without even realizing. And then there are those that we are conscious of that we're making. And when you can just stop and appreciate that, it's just like life becomes so beautiful and that's what I'm hoping that parents will get. Another thing that I'm hoping parents will get from this book is just having their eyes open to the beauty of this parenting journey that they're on, and then witnessing the, the life that their children are having through their kids' eyes. Because when you can see things through your children's eyes, it's just so amazing because you know, it's unadulterated and it's just so pure and joyful. And it's, if you can reap that in for yourself for just a moment each day, it just, it like brightens your day.
Lindsay Miller (28:28):
The way you put that. I think it also builds connection, right? In, in those, those moments, when you're really present with your kids, with yourself, you just feel that that connection that we all have, right. To each other, to the world, to our kids. And we, we so often are not cognizant of it, cause we're in the thick of our thoughts and we're in the thick of our to-do list and in our crazy busy life. And so really just being present with what is is so it's just so enriching. Yeah. And I think the other day, you and I were talking before we started about soccer and my daughter was in a soccer tournament last weekend and I sat there, you know, they happened to be doing really well, this tournament. And I sat there with like the mountains in the distance, in my, you know, little camp chair with my toes right, right on the grass, you know like I had my sandals on, and the grass is green and the breeze was blowing a little bit and I'm watching my daughter stand, you know, like standing the goal with her hands on her hips, all confident. And it was just a moment, you know? And, and I, I, I was thinking to myself like what a beautiful moment. And I'm so grateful that I can be immersed and aware in this moment. Right. Because I mean, if that had been me 10 years ago, you know, my daughter was tiny then, but, you know, I just, it's a different, I had a different relationship with my mind, I had a different relationship with my thoughts, and I wasn't able to just like let them float by in a way that would allow me to just soak it up, you know? But I think no matter what age our kids are, you know, when my daughter was little and we would go on the walks and she would find the acorns and we would just immerse ourselves in the wonder of an acorn and its hat, you know, or just those, those small moments that you really get the privilege of diving into when you practice meditation and mindfulness, because you're not encumbered by anything else, right? You're just truly present right there.
Josephine Atluri (30:28):
I love your descriptions. And I was totally with you there, like, as you were watching your daughter and just in that moment, and then with the acorn, I loved it. And it is it's different, you know as the ages of the kids progress, it's a different type of experiencing their wonder and their joy and the moment, but each is so beautiful and it is, I love how you're describing it as a privilege because it is, you know, we get that privilege of being parent, not many people, a lot of people, because I also work with people in fertility who struggle with it. And so when we finally do become parents, it's just this wonderful privilege to be able to do it. And so it's to our benefit to be able to witness these moments. And and in terms of consciously connecting, that's actually one of the sections of the book. And one of, one of my kids said to me, well, aren't, we always conscious of connecting aren't we all, we're always conscious because we're not unconscious.
Josephine Atluri (31:33):
And so I said, okay, touche. Sure. But you know, there's this idea of autopilot, which we've been talking about and just going through the motions, because there's just so many things that have to happen. But, and so there are times when we're just not aware of what's happening. And so, you know, I think many of us can relate to, I think one of the vignettes that I put in there where we're busy working on something, we're interacting with our child at the same time, but, but we're busy with work. And then we're agreeing to things, we're answering questions, we're not really there. And then all of a sudden much later on we're confronted with whatever it was that we had agreed to no recollection of it and in life. And what's amazing is in that moment, when you're trying to remember what just happened, you can't really remember what happened in that moment because your mind was elsewhere.
Josephine Atluri (32:27):
And for me, when I realized that when I was before meditation or when I was just starting to dive into it and I was busy with this job, a different job. And when that hit me, when I couldn't remember what happened that day, because I was busy on my phone, doing all these things, it was really profound. And it was scary because I thought, oh my God, life is just passing by. And I can't remember like what beautiful moments had happened with the kiddos. And so for me, that was my wake up call. And so that's why it was important to title it Consciously Connecting because we are connecting, but are you really there? Are you really present to it? And I'm not saying that we have to do that 24/7. I think even in the book, I mentioned that if you can just put your, like, one of the exercises was just to put your phone down for a few minutes, just put it away.
Josephine Atluri (33:24):
And that was something that was something that I do for myself, because I have to practice this where, you know, we have everything at our fingertips that we're connected to the outside world with, but that creates this immense distraction. And it provides this inability to not really consciously connect with our kids. So one of the exercises was just to put it down for five minutes, just a way so that you can be right there with your kid and for them, you know, five minutes, even if it's for a four year old, to like one of my 14 year olds, five minutes of just one-on-one time where you're actually listening to them and hearing them and supporting them makes such a huge difference for them. And then it's also something that you remember, and you can reflect on and be joyful about and be grateful for, because you'll remember because you weren't doing something at the same time, you weren't, you know, trying to make dinner as well or doing this and that just five minutes where it's just dedicated to whatever it is that they're, that they need in that moment makes it'll make a difference for both you and your child.
Lindsay Miller (34:30):
You know, and that's the whole, I think second half of the book to me just represented opportunity. Like it really just brought so many chances to connect, to deepen our experience of our own, you know, existence and awareness. But the opportunities to connect in parenting are replete, right? Like our parenting is replete with those opportunities if we can see them and if we have the capacity to just stop and own them. And so, yeah, I loved that consciously connecting. Cause I think that one of the things that mindfulness definitely has done for, for me, and I know the clients that I've worked with is the, the deepening of experience and the deepening of connection. And I love the way you phrased it. Like you're actually there. So you remember it.
Josephine Atluri (35:17):
I mean, it was just a very simple way of putting it, but that's what happened in my own life is that I actually was a witness to it and remembered it versus the moments like years, years back, where sure time, you know, time will blur things out. But it wasn't me reflecting years later, it was me reflecting on that day or the day after. And I just could not remember because I was so busy trying to field so many emails and all these things while playing with my time. Soyeah, that was that's one of the exercises that, you know, has really helped me out personally.
Lindsay Miller (35:54):
Okay. Now talk to me about some of the other feedback you're getting, because I know in your work with parents over the years, you've had so many stories where people have implemented the, you know, the steps or the practice in their lives and seeing the difference and you go into them in the vignettes a little bit. And so give us a few real life stories of like what you have seen happen in family life, in individual circumstance as a result of the process.
Josephine Atluri (36:23):
Yeah, definitely. One of the things that has been noted upon is as parents, we're constantly sort of just comparing without realizing or comparing how, you know, we all need benchmarks, right? And, and so as parents we'll look at the other parents at the school, or are the other parents in the parent group that you're in or your friends even, what are they doing? How are they doing in their relationship with their children? We can't help it. That's just how we are with human nature. But one, one way that it can go awry is that when we take it and then we look badly upon ourselves and don't look at the progress that we're making, all the good things that we're doing in relation to what is happening just in our own unit, you know, everyone is different, but we never seem to remember that, is that we were all different people.
Josephine Atluri (37:15):
And so, you know, we've all heard that the adage of comparison is the thief of joy. And it really is. So one of the vignettes that I put in there is something that a friend mentioned to me and I thought, oh, I definitely have to put this in there about her being a busy working mom, and then to bring something to the school party or whatever it is. And just having it be like something that she was able to pick up at the store. And then she goes in and she sees that there are all these fancy things that people made that were homemade and she felt horrible about herself just, but at the time, you know, she brought it in and she's starting to have all those feelings of, of self doubt and feeling bad about herself, all these things that are starting to just go through her mind and then her child, her young child just seeing her at school and is just so happy just to have her - doesn't care about what she brought - is just happy to have their mom there at the school event. And, and doesn't care about all these other things. And when you break that down, I had to include it because when you break it down, you just approach it and you see it from the eyes of your child. You know, your child could care less about what they're eating. There are just so many different options at these events, what they care about is the fact that you're there. And it goes back to that idea of those five minutes, just being there for, for them for a few minutes is really what makes their day. And then, so when you look at yourself through that lens of your child, then you can give yourself some self-compassion and some self-kindness because you can see that your presence allows them to be happy.
Josephine Atluri (38:58):
And then you remove all that other stuff, all of that comparison, and that's not necessary. Right? And so a lot of the exercises and things that I bring up is oftentimes looking at yourself through, through eyes of kindness, through the eyes of your child, which isit's just pure. And they're, they're looking at you in terms of just being present and aware and being there versus all the other things that we pick up as we, as we get older. There's a section on just all the labels that we pick up, all of these expectations that we put on ourselves, on our children, and there are just so many layers to what we put upon ourselves. And what I try to do is to, to really just make you aware of those things, by asking these, these pointed questions. And then that way, when you are in a situation like my friend was at that, at that party, in that moment, you can ask yourself, you know to ask yourself this question of, is this really important? Do I really need to, is this really what my child values, whether or not your child comes up to you and gives you a big hug, you can go through those steps because you've already gone through it in this book. You've already seen it from this other person's perspective. And that's really, you know, that's one of the keys of being mindful is the awareness to ask yourself and to stop yourself in the moment, to, to evaluate and ask yourself these questions so that then you can make that decision of, okay, do I want to go down this path or do I want to go down this other path? And the more, more you practice it, the more and more you're able to stop yourself and catch yourself in those moments where you can really just start to go down a rabbit hole of negativity. So that is, that's one of my favorite things that I've heard resonated very well with other people who've reviewed the book, but also people who prior to the book, clients who have been incorporating mindfulness into their parenting or into just their lives in general, have really benefited from, is that ability to look at themselves through a different lens and be kind and practice that ability to stop and question things that are happening.
Lindsay Miller (41:12):
And I loved that example too. I remember that one specifically, because I think that there's so many, especially right now, as we record this, we're coming out of like pandemic life. Right. And we've been isolated and kind of on our own for so long that I think the tendency to compare is a little bit elevated right now. Like, because we're around more people in, in more situations again, it's almost like we're on overload, you know, and we're second guessing ourselves, or just wondering, like, if we managed it all okay. Or how our kids are going to be. And I think that the value that you bring in that is so important because we do have to just settle into our own perspective and our own expectations and our own values. Like, I love the, you know, the workaround values in there and how you just identifying what's most important to you, your family, your child, and then focusing on those things and letting everything else kind of sift away. But like you said, unless we bring awareness to it, we're not in a position to do anything about it. Cause we're unconscious of it and we're just going on autopilot. So yeah. I love that. That support for comparison.
Josephine Atluri (42:17):
Yeah. Yeah. No, it all weaves together. Definitely. And it makes such a difference when you can ask yourself these simple questions, simple questions, but they really allow you to explore, you know, where these actions, where these thoughts are coming from and, and challenges you to, to grow and make a difference in, in your own life and then in your child's life.
Lindsay Miller (42:40):
And I think too, back to this idea of energy and moms needing to be really intentional about the way that they expend or invest their energy when we are not aware of all the thoughts and all the patterns and all the just actions that are autopilot. And we don't realize how much energy is actually going to those. And so the energy boost that we get by like kind of cutting off the energy supply to those things that aren't serving us, or that are kind of dragging us down, or the comparisons we're making that are only making us feel less than those, that amount of energy over time, that you can kind of like collect back and then employ intentionally is huge, right?
Josephine Atluri (43:23):
Yeah. For my Instagram post today, that was the quote, a quote that I put on there was you can't be everything to everyone and still be true to yourself. And I challenged people reading that caption to hit the pause on the people pleasing and ask them if they could drop something today that they didn't need to do. And you're right, because we, without realizing we're doing all these things, we're trying to meet everyone's expectations and live up to these standards. And these labels that people have placed on us as the mom that can do it all. Or the mom that's like great at doing this with their kids. And it's just embedded in our minds without us really realizing it. But that's where we end up drawing from, in terms of our actions. Like that's what is driving us to do certain things without even realizing it. But if we can stop and, and just realize, well, wait a second, how is this being true to myself? How is this being true to the values of my family? What are the values of my family? Have I even figured that out? It's so many questions, but even answering just one of them will open your eyes up and that energy, as you said, that is just so crucial as a parent because we're being pulled so many different ways. So if you're able to just stop and really evaluate what's important and what is it that, that I continue that I need to continue doing? And what are the things that I can drop will also make a huge difference. So, as we've seen, there's so many different ways that one can be mindful in their lives, not in that traditional sense that perhaps people think of just sitting and being in meditation, but there's just so many applications to your life as an individual, as a parent, that will force you to really look at what's happening, look at all those different layers and then provide you with the tools to make those changes or provide you with the questions to allow yourself, to make changes, move forward and continually grow in, in that skin and that journey of yours.
Lindsay Miller (45:31):
Yeah. I love the way you put that. It reminded me a little bit. I was coaching one of my children's clients that I have, and she is always great at coming up with creative, creative mindfulness applications. And when I coach kids, I send like a package every week and it has some little playful mindfulness tool or toy in it. And then we talk about it and apply it. And this week I had sent bubbles and I was just going to use them, you know, I had a simple exercise ready to go. And she said to me, well, the way that I think this applies to mindfulness is that it's like, when you're in a stressful situation or something's going on, you kind of just blow yourself, this little bubble with your breath. And then you sit in that bubble and you look around you at what's going on and then you decide what to do. And I love teaching kids because they always come up with the best stuff, you know, like I had this super simple activity, like ready to go. And she just always takes it to the next level, but I love the idea of, and then like when you're ready, you know what I mean? The bubble kind of pops and you re-engage in the present moment. Right. But you've had that minute. You've had your time, like with your breath to settle in. And like you said, make those intentional choices, focus on the thoughts that are coming that may or may not be useful to you, engage with your values, look around you, notice what you're present in and then act, and then be on purpose, you know? And I think like the journaling, just taking a few minutes every day to give yourself your little mindfulness bubble, right. And just put yourself in your mindfulness bubble so that you can take the time to respond intentionally and to live intentionally and to be connecting with your kids in a way that down the road, you know, when we look back, we're going to just be so grateful. Right. For those present moments that we just soaked up.
Josephine Atluri (47:20):
Yeah. I love that. That visual that your client's child did, I'm going to have to use that, but blowing a bubble, like being in it and it's breathing - that's the best part is that bubble. Oh my goodness. Good job. Because you really like have helped her really understand mindfulness and she just, she just did. That's amazing.
Lindsay Miller (47:44):
She comes up with the best stuff, but I feel like kids do that. And I think that's one of the beautiful things about learning it as a parent is when you can start to - cause I think a lot of parents, we have this idea that we have to be the one teaching our kids mindfulness and in my experience, all we have to do is create this space for it. Because like you mentioned earlier, kids that are already mindful in so many ways. And so once you start, you start your own practice, what you really do is just open yourself up to cool conversations with your kids, because there's not a lot of teaching in our house. That's one way, you know, and even with my clients that are kids, it's it's, you know, two directions and we're teaching each other. And I learned so much from listening to, you know, the kids make the applications or apply mindfulness in their own lives. And so I think like taking some of the pressure off by doing the journal by, you know, engaging with it in your own way, just lets you join the conversation cause your kids are already going to be ready to have it.
Josephine Atluri (48:41):
Yeah, yeah, no, I love that you bring that up and that called to mind one of the exercises that is actually done with your child in the book, which was just allowing them like setting up a new activity and then letting them letting it unfold and just watching them. Oftentimes we're helicopter parenting and having them do this and making sure they're doing that craft properly. But if you take off all the expectations and all of what your vision is of how it should be and how they should be, then you really allow your child to flourish. You allow them to be independent and really see and have them unfold in their true nature, which is beautiful to see because each child is so different and you're right, they already are doing these things. And so it creates this great conversation with them when you're able to just let them be an explorer.
Lindsay Miller (49:34):
And I love that open-ended play the idea of just letting something unfold. And I think as parents, the more mindfulness allows us to do that with their development, right? Like we can let them unfold and the way you point out with the journal prompts and removing those expectations and you know, we have certain expectations as parents that are pretty universal, but there's so much give and there's so much openness for each child and being able to just like you just said, witness that unfolding is the gift of parenting really, I think. Yeah. Well thank you so much, Josephine. This has been such a lovely conversation as always. I'm so grateful that we could connect today and talk about your book Mindfulness Journal for Parents. Tell us where we can find it.
Josephine Atluri (50:17):
Yeah. You can find it on Amazon, barnesandnoble.com, anywhere books are sold. I also have an online companion course and essentially what is included in there are there are 16 exercises that I picked out from the book that I actually do in a video to guide you. And this is especially helpful for people who've never dabbled in mindfulness before. And you know, there are step-by-step instructions in the book, but it's a whole thing altogether to just have someone guide you through it and to be able to do those breathing exercises together. And then I also throw in a whole bunch of other explanations and really deep dive more into all the topics. And then you're also connected to a group of parents who are trying to be mindful. So you can go to mindfulparentsclass.com for that. And then there's also, you can also just buy the book individually and you can connect with me on Instagram at JosephineRAtluri, I always, like I said mentioned today, I threw in one of my favorite quotes and I'm always trying to leave people with some mindful wisdom to take with them as they go along their day. And then there's that podcast of mine, Responding to Life: Talking Health, Fertility and Parenthood so many ways to connect and, and be mindful with me.
Lindsay Miller (51:38):
And again, we've talked about it, but I want to reiterate how down to earth your approache is. Because I think that sometimes we can feel overwhelmed or less than, and you always have on your feed or just in your, anything that you do, it's real, right? Like you have your moments, like you said at the beginning, like this is our house of calm in chaos. Like sometimes life is crazy and you don't shy away from it. I love that as we close can I ask you three questions that I ask podcasts guests?
Josephine Atluri (52:06):
Yeah, I would love to.
Lindsay Miller (52:07):
Okay. What is your favorite food?
Josephine Atluri (52:09):
Okay. My favorite food. So I used to be a culinary trained chef. I went to cooking school, like I ditched my management consulting job and I followed my dream of going to cooking school for two years in New York. So I have a lot of favorite foods and I hate favorite food questions cause I'm like I have to choose, but if I really have to choose, it would be a chocolate chip cookie. [Laughing] That was really being honest and authentic.
Lindsay Miller (52:36):
I love it. And what is your favorite way to relax?
Josephine Atluri (52:40):
Aside from meditation? Obviously. My other favorite way to relax is actually working out. That has always been, even before I was meditating, that was my time to just get away and it makes me feel happy. It releases endorphins that make you feel happy, but it also helps me feel strong in like an actual physical sense versus being emotionally strong, like a strong person for the family. And so that gives me my time to just feel good.
Lindsay Miller (53:12):
And then a funny story or memory from childhood.
Josephine Atluri (53:16):
Okay. So there are many, but one of the ones that people always like to bring up is how I hated eggs. I love eggs now, but I hated eggs growing up, especially the way my aunt made them. She made them like sunny side up, no offense to her, she's a fantastic cook, but she would make them sunny side up and I didn't like the runny yolk. So anyway, she wouldn't let me leave the table during the summers when I was at her house without eating. And so one day I said, I just want to go out and play with my cousins. I was the last person there. So I took the egg and at that point the yolk is already hard so it was okay, but I hid it under my shoe and I just walked out from the table. [Laughing] And my cousins and my brother never let me forget about it. And they tell my kids. And so my kids were like, can I do that? Can I just walk away and put something in my pocket? I've made my peace with the egg.
Lindsay Miller (54:11):
That's awesome. I love that. Yeah. There's so many great moments that we can look back on and just appreciate about ourselves. Like yeah, childhood. There it is. Yeah.
Josephine Atluri (54:22):
And we've grown, we've all grown, so yeah.
Lindsay Miller (54:25):
Great. Well, thank you again. Mindfulness Journal for Parents, Josephine Atluri. Find it at your nearest bookstore, online, or look at the course online and connect with Josephine's work to support your efforts to connect to yourself and your kids.
Josephine Atluri (54:41):
Well, thank you so much. Always a pleasure, so much fun speaking with you and thank you again for having me on your show.
Lindsay Miller (54:46):
It's been my pleasure too, until next time.