RTL Episode 66: How to Honor Unique Paths to Parenthood
We’re kicking off 2022 by recapping some of our favorite episodes from the past three seasons. In six special podcast episodes, we’ll highlight some of the best tips and advice from our previous guests. In this third bonus episode, we'll be talking about the different experiences people have on their unique paths to parenthood. In this episode, you’ll hear from:
Founder of Robyn, Alli Kasirer
Fellow fertility advocates: Marilyn Gomez, Eli Weinstein, Monique Farook, and Krystle Chavez
Tune in to hear from these incredible guests on how to navigate the complexities of fertility journeys, the effect of infertility on relationships, and the role of faith and hope while trying to conceive and ultimately, once a child is born.
Allison Kasirer, founder of Robyn
@wearerobyn
www.wearerobyn.co
Marilyn Gomez, founder of Infertile Tees
@marilynbgomez
@INFERTILETEES
infertiletees.com
Eli Weinstein, host of The Dude Therapist podcast
@elivation_therapist
https://linktr.ee/dudetherapist (podcast)
www.ELIvation.org
Monique Farook, host of the Infertility and Me podcast
@infertilityandmepodcast
www.moniquefarook.com
Krystle Chavez
@krystledchavez
Josephine Atluri
@josephineratluri
www.jatluri.com
Episode 66 Transcript
Josephine Atluri (00:09):
Welcome to Responding to Life. We're continuing on with the special bonus episodes featuring guests from the last three seasons of the show. The first two bonus shows addressed issues of wellness as it relates to mindset, self care, and prioritizing one's self. We're moving on to another topic that we frequently discuss on the show, fertility. In this special episode, we'll be talking about the different experiences people have on their unique paths to parenthood. You will hear from founder of Robyn, Allison Kazsirer, and my fellow fertility advocates, Marilyn Gomez, Eli Weinstein, Monique Farook, and Krystle Chavez. Within the realm of trying to conceive, one in seven experience infertility and the need to pursue assisted reproductive technology, adoption, or surrogacy. Every path to parenthood is unique, but all are rooted in a desire to create a family and ultimately love a child. In today's episode, we'll discuss how to navigate the complexities of fertility decisions and journeys, the effect of infertility on relationships, and the role of faith and hope while trying to conceive and ultimately, once a child is born. I feel so lucky to have befriended all of the amazing people featured in today's episode as they inspire me with their strength, their voices, and their commitment to representing and supporting the many out there struggling to create their families.
(01:42):
We'll begin by hearing from Alli Kasirer, founder of Robyn, a maternal health and wellness company that powers prenatal and postpartum virtual care to support aspiring, expecting and new parents on their path to parenthood. After countless procedures, false hopes, negative pregnancy tests, and a sea of unanswered questions, Allison didn't see failure; she saw an opportunity. She set out to ensure that no other parent ever felt as alone and confused as she once did on the path to parenthood and started Robyn. Today, Robyn is a digital platform for aspiring, expecting, and new parents featuring over 200 meticulously selected providers across specialized fields including: acupuncture, nutrition, lactation, mental and physical health and personal coaching. Robyn has also launched parent birth, a modern and inclusive virtual childbirth education class featuring real stories in parent centric care. Alli shares with us her vision for Robyn and the positive impact she hopes to make on the lives of those on their path to parenthood.
Allison Kasirer (02:50):
I started Robyn because I didn't want any parent to feel as alone or confused as I once did on my path to parenthood. So I guess going back now, this is now four or five years ago, my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant and we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility, which is one of those really frustrating diagnoses because you just don't know what's wrong, you don't know what's going on. So I actually took some time off from work - I was working in finance in New York at the time - and I kind of became obsessed with this intersection of wellness and fertility. I was kind of determined to take control of whatever I could control given how much is out of our control during the fertility journey. So I did start seeing a reproductive psychiatrist. I started going to fertility acupuncture. I changed my diet, my exercise routine, and I really just started to live overall a more healthy lifestyle.
(03:54):
It was still so challenging physically and emotionally going through that fertility journey, we ultimately decided we were going to do IVF. After trying naturally, after trying a couple rounds of IUI we moved forward with IVF and our first two transfers didn't work and I was really young at the time. I was 29, my husband was 28, so we were just really confused in terms of what was going on. But fortunately, the third transfer that we did we put in two embryos and they both stuck and we now have our twins, Jacob and Freddy, who are four years old. And of course when they were one we had our miracle pregnancy. And so the twins also have a two year old little brother named Billy. So we feel very fortunate to have our happy ending. But one of the big things that helped me when I was going through it was I just started sharing my journey and kind of sharing what we were going through, being very real and raw and open and honest.
(05:08):
I would tell friends, I would tell family, I would start telling people in the subway, honestly. And I started sharing about it on social media and that's really how Robyn got started. We started to grow a community about around changing the fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum conversation. And after I shared my path to parenthood, we shared all different paths to parenthood, fertility journeys, pregnancy journeys, postpartum journeys. And it really became this place that you could go and not feel alone in what you're going through. You know, could connect with other women and families who maybe were going through a similar path to parenthood. We started to share about all kinds of stigmatized topics, not just infertility, miscarriage and loss, but also postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD postpartum body image. So that's really how the community and content piece of it got started. And then once the community had been established, we did a lot of work with the community around what the greatest pain points were on the path to parenthood.
(06:20):
And while everyone felt really grateful to have this collective wisdom of the community and other women and families, they were looking for more expert support. So that's when we decided to start creating this network, which we're so fortunate that you Josephine are a part of where aspiring, expecting and new parents can connect with parental wellness experts like doulas, lactation consultants, fertility coaches, maternal mental health professionals. So now Robin is really a place where you can get both, you can get that community support, connect with other women and families but you can also get the information from maternal wellness providers who know and have studied these areas and really have dedicated their careers to supporting parents on their past to parenthood. I thought I was just gonna be a couple of months and I would be back at my job pregnant, expecting my family. And our journey turned out to be a little bit longer than that.
(07:28):
But what was great about the sabbatical was I finally had the time to explore some of these areas. So I understand how fortunate that is to be able to take time off from work to take this time to mother myself. And I was so grateful that I had that space and I had that time. So it really became a very exploratory time for me. But it definitely did take a lot of research and just a lot of being my own advocate to build this village around me. And I think that was one of the inspiring forces behind Robyn. It shouldn't be that hard for aspiring, expecting a new parents to build their village and to find the right support and education. So yes, that was definitely an inspirational moment when I was going through it myself and I thought, wow, this is super helpful, but this isn't accessible to so many parents and just finding this type of care. There are just so many barriers. We look at a typical parent's journey and it's like one, they've gotta get over the stigma of asking for help, which unfortunately in this country is still a really big hurdle and barrier because we're just not built around. It takes a village concept.
(08:56):
Two, you've gotta figure out what type of help you need. And not everybody knows that there are fertility therapists and acupuncturists and coaches available and what those modalities even mean. There's kind of a health literacy gap in the country, which unfortunately a lot of people don't know what those services might entail. And then you've gotta find a provider. You've gotta find a provider in your area or one that will take you online, which unless your workplace offers specific benefits or about a service like Roby can be really hard to find the right provider for you and for your journey. And then the biggest hurdle, which is our next hurdle that we wanna tackle is nine times outta 10. That provider doesn't accept insurance. So it ends up being, you know, pay a hundred dollars, a thousands of dollars out of pocket for these services and if you can afford it, and then hopefully you end up getting kind of reimbursed a couple months later by your health insurance. But that to us is one of the biggest accessibility barriers that we wanna tackle next. So yeah, you just think about all of these barriers to care and we're just not meeting parents in their moments of need and that's something we are really looking to change.
Josephine Atluri (10:23):
The next featured guest is Marilyn Gomez. Marilyn is a gritty, empath and Latina who got her reiki certification to help her heal through the trauma of infertility. She had her daughter in 2018 from her third IVF transfer in 2019, she attempted to expand her family with transferring the last of her two frozen embryos That transfer failed. So she closed her chapter of expanding her family to focus on healing and embracing and normalizing having one child in a society that asks for one more. Marilyn is an advocate with Resolve and Mom Congress, focusing on infertility coverage and maternal mental health. She owns an online store, Infertile Tees, statement tees for your infertility journey to encourage women to talk about their story and feel less alone. When you are on your path to parenthood, you are faced by a myriad of challenges and subsequent decisions that are unique to your own journey. Marilyn shares with us her process of personal healing as she went through multiple rounds of IVF and her considerations and approach for for a second child.
Marilyn Gomez (11:32):
I told my husband, I have a little bit more of gasoline in my tank to do this one more time, but I'm gonna take some time to go to therapy first. So went to therapy, worked on my mental health, worked on, I learned about reiki. I got certified in reiki because I'm a control freak Josephine. I was like, okay, if I cannot control infertility, but I can control, I can control how I react, how I process information, how my body feels, how I feel about myself, my thoughts, I can control those things. So I need to heal while I do this or I will just be a shell of a human and with the inability to continue. And so I went to therapy, my therapist started a group therapy group with five other women. We were all in the same track in our, or the same track, the same part of our infertility journey.
(12:26):
We were matched up beautifully together. It was a beautiful experience to participate in other people's healing while being vulnerable yourself. And I remember looking at my husband and saying, I'm ready to do our third IVF and this will be our last one. I, I'm at a place where if this does not work, I can walk away, I can live child free, we will adopt a bunch of dogs and we will just, that's, that'll be our story. We'll just have to write a new story. And he was like, okay, we're good. So I called this new clinic, made an appointment with them, did a phone consult. The doctor was very sure in my success rate, potential success rate. And so I got on an airplane, went to Colorado, had a one day workup. They did so much testing and I'm like, well this is what is miss, this is what I've been missing the testing, this additional testing is to cater protocols to what my body needs to have a pregnancy and a healthy baby.
(13:31):
I mean, why were the other clinics just template matching at this point? And so we did IVF number three and I transferred two genetically normal embryos September 2015. And in October I was able to see a heartbeat of one little embryo that could. And then in June of 2016, I had my little girl and she's amazing. She is just a wise old soul. And I continued my healing, especially with my mind and my body because energetically our body absorbs so much throughout that process because you feel like a scientific experiment like this out of body experi, you're not even in your body. It was just me and this uterus that is so not doing what it's supposed to do. And so I had two frozen embryos for my second IVF. And in late summer of 2019, I remember looking at my daughter and I was like, okay, if we're gonna expand our family, I mean I keep getting this yearly bill of these frozen embryos, which is not cheap.
(14:57):
Let's just, I'm just gonna transfer these two embryos. I'm just gonna transfer them and if it doesn't work then I'm done. I'm done. And I will be okay. And if it works, wow, game changer, like big surprise. So in between my daughter's birth and my embryo transfer, we had moved to Charlotte, North Carolina. This is where I live now. And I decided to go by myself. I told my husband, I'm gonna fly to Utah. I'm gonna do this by myself. Because for me it felt more like a spiritual experience. I needed this for my healing, like a closure, just an end of this year, this decade long trauma. And so I flew to Salt Lake City, one of my very great friends took me to my transfer I had an acupuncturist meet us there and it felt so spiritual. My girlfriend held my hand while they were transferring the embryos inside my uterus.
(16:07):
And she goes, Marilyn, whatever the outcome is, you've come and you've picked up your kids. She's like, they're with you now. And I didn't know that I needed that closure of just bringing them with me, whether or not they were earth side or not. And so of course, 10 days, 10 days later, I would learn that it was a chemical pregnancy and it didn't work. And my grief felt much different than the losses that I had previously. It, it felt like a cleanse in some sense because I was so secure and sure in what my next chapter would be because I had that choice. And I think oftentimes in any type of trauma that we experience, we forget that we get to choose how we process, what we experience, and how we process it and what we do with those feelings and emotions and those big moments where you feel less than. We get to choose how to start healing. And so for me, it felt like a rebirth for myself as a woman becoming more secure in how she walks in her life every day.
Josephine Atluri (17:24):
My next featured guest is Eli Weinstein. Eli is a therapist in New York running his own private practice and working at a group practice where he is a supervisor. His specialty are relationships, anxiety and trauma work. Eli has been featured on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Hey Tiffany Roe, Not Another Anxiety Show and The Parentologist. He's the host of the podcast, The Dude Therapist, chatting all about mental health and wellness. He is a father of two and married for seven years. In my conversation with Eli, he discussed the impact of infertility on a couple's relationship and how they coped individually on their path to parenthood.
Eli Weinstein (18:03):
It was a very shocking experience still is when we look back on it because infertility doesn't go away. We're still struggling with it. Even though we have a kid, it's still something that's on our mind. It's still not so easy to say, hey, we want to grow our family. And we then we have to start the whole process again. The whole nine yards - doctor's appointments, shots, pills. It's a really difficult place to be in. It's not just the snap of the finger and it's there. And one of the biggest things I think that my wife and I figured out was what each other needed when we needed something. But that took a conversation and communication that we never thought we would have to have that conversation cuz no one expects to be or struggle with infertility. When you're dating, you're not like, so are you in fertile?
(18:49):
It's not a conversation you have when you're dating someone. And then when you get married, you expect that if you want a family, it's gonna happen. Why wouldn't it happen? That's a big assumption that we all have. And I think it's really about talking with your spouse, your partner, about what they need from you, what you need from them, and making that happen. So my wife really utilized support groups on social media, her friends who went through infertility. I utilized some of my friends, but guys don't really talk about this so often and it's a little taboo in the Jewish community to talk about this. It's starting to be more of an open conversation. And that's when I started actually talking about infertility on my social media platform to be a support for other men and women who struggle with infertility and don't know how to talk about it or broach the topic.
(19:39):
Hi, I'm a therapist, I went through infertility, let's chat about it. So that was my outlet. I journaled a lot. That was really one of my outlets. And we have to find our things that work for us. So you just don't know what is going to happen and you're never gonna be prepared for that. So it's about really being honest with yourself and your spouse and partner to just talk it out with no judgment and open space to feel. It is a hard place to be as a guy, I'm not gonna lie. And now that I'm more in tune to that world there are so many support groups and so many accounts on social media that I never even knew before because I wasn't aware of the issue before I went through infertility. Why would I know about the community? You don't know about mental health community until you're involved in mental health community. You don't know about the podcast community until you're in the podcast community. So it really was an eye-opening experience to talk to other men and to hear their stories. And once I started talking about it on social media and people were contacting me and we were talking back and forth, that was a very therapeutic process as well.
Josephine Atluri (20:41):
And now allow me to introduce you to Monique Farook. She's one of the first women I met when I joined the Instagram world of fertility advocates. Monique is a Maryland resident, former restaurant owner turned stay at home mom and infertility advocate and creator and host of the amazing podcast, Infertility and Me. In Monique's podcast, she gets real about the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual effects infertility has on its victims. She shares real stories and expert advice that offer healing, inspiration, support, and community. The Infertility and Me podcast is all about healing while on the path to family expansion. During our conversation, Monique detailed her experience with infertility that included tubal blockage, hypothyroidism, uterine polyps, IVF and preterm labor. When her beautiful son was born early, she transitioned from the difficult world of infertility to the heart-wrenching world of being a NICU mom here she shares with us tidbits of her story of strength.
Monique Farook (21:42):
The pregnancy itself was fine, actually, and I did have some spotting scary moments when I was around 14 weeks and it was about a week after I was no longer on progesterone and estrogen and the baby aspirin, all those things that you do to maintain the pregnancy when you've been through fertility treatments and they keep you wanted until you're 13 weeks pregnant. And so that was a security blanket for me being on those three and ensuring that there was no miscarriage because with hypothyroidism the chances of miscarriage increases. And so when I had that scare at 14 + four days or something like that, I was like, oh my god, I'm not on a freaking progesterone and on the estrogen. All of these crutches, essentially, that were keeping me sane and decreasing my anxiety. Now I just got off of it a week ago and I'm freaking bleeding, you know what I mean?
(22:35):
So I was just really scared I was gonna lose a baby, but he was okay. And it was just that my placenta was a little too close to the cervix opening. I wasn't previa, but it was just a little bit too close. So it was causing some spotting and some light bleeding. But I was okay. He was moving, his heartbeat - his heartbeat was great. The pregnancy was really nice. It was just a really overall nice experience. And I had all the symptoms to reassure me that he was still in there growing. And even though he was my first pregnancy, I started feeling flutters pretty early and I was about 15 and a half, 16 weeks when I first started feeling the popcorn flutters. And so that was really nice experience in that and then by the time I was going in, well about the week that I was 23 weeks + five days when I went into premature labor, but it was actually a week before I actually gave birth because they were able to stop it with the steroids and things in the hospital.
(23:33):
So I was in a week, I was in the hospital a full eight days before I actually gave birth at 24 weeks, four days. But the pregnancy was great, it was really great. I looked good, I felt good. I was at a really healthy weight and I was still walking the dog every day, taking my long walks and being able to be active and taking it easy and just trying to enjoy what we had worked so hard for so long and had wished and wished for so long and try not to think about anything going wrong. So it really was a nice pregnancy, it really was. And I miss it. I'm not even gonna lie, I miss not having been able to go the full term.
(24:14):
I went through a period of mourning the pregnancy after I gave birth, even though he was here and he was in the hospital and he was thriving and he was trying to get healthier, I still had a period where I went through grief of losing that pregnancy so early and not feeling like it was completed. So a lot of the grief was while he was in the NICU. And then even after he came home and he was home like a month or two or something like that, I still felt robbed. I still had some grief and I felt robbed because I didn't get the full experience. I never got to take the pictures and I never got to see so many different things. I never had the baby shower or anything like that. So there was some grief around the pregnancy as well, even after he came home, to be quite honest.
Josephine Atluri (25:02):
And did you recognize that you needed to grieve that or did that just hit you? I mean, how did that come about?
Monique Farook (25:11):
At first it was hard to even talk about because I'm like, especially after he came home a of when, a lot of times when I spoke about it while he was in a NICU, everybody was like, I can understand why you feel like that. But then nobody asked me if I still felt that way when I came home and my mom would ask me, she'd say, you okay, I know your pregnancy was short, it wasn't the full term and you didn't get the full experience. Are you okay? And I'm like, mom, no, I'm really not. And I still grieved that pregnancy. I mean even he was one years old and I was still grieving the pregnancy because that's what I had worked and I was dreaming about I so many, we have dreams about being pregnant and being able to do the things that go around that.
(25:52):
And it was very difficult and trying to take care of him and getting over that grief and still healing from the fact that he had to go through so much to live and to thrive and to come home. So it was a lot, it was definitely a lot. The first seven days that he was born, he had to have surgery in his left lung. They went underneath of his armpit, he still has the scars today. He got his, I call them his battle scars and he's got the scars right here under his arm and it, it's gonna always be there. And it's because there was a pocket of air and a part of his lung in a part of his lungs that shouldn't have been there. And so they had to essentially let it slowly drain out and there was this other machine next to him and that that's what was taking the air out very, very slowly over the course of four days.
(26:47):
And it was just heartbreaking to see him like that. And so he was so very fragile and just doing everything to keep his little heart going and breathing with the oscillating machine and intubated for feedings and for the oscillating machine to breathe and stuff. And it is just truly heartbreaking. And I thank God that babies don't remember those sort of things. But I can't help but wonder if there's some kind of subconscious memory there, that stays with those babies when they're very, very young and just not being able to leave. What happened was I had him and I was there for three days. It was a normal birth after the C-section. And so when I went home, I was there for a couple days before I had to get rushed back to the hospital for hemorrhaging because there was still some matter from the placenta still in my uterus.
(27:46):
And so I began to hemorrhage at home on a Friday night, very late at night. And so I was there to go to the hospital after I came home for a couple days and then I'm right back in the hospital and I was there in the hospital again for four days with a fever because they had to give me blood transfusions a couple times over the course of the four days I was there after the emergency d&c. And I'm just calling as much as I can when I can to make sure he's okay and make sure he's being properly taken care of and all these things. And just looking at all my pictures that I had taken of him prior to me being in the hospital for the hemorrhaging and letting that drive me to get better so I could get back to him because all I wanted to do was be at the hospital. I didn't wanna be at home, I didn't wanna do anything but be at the hospital with my baby and I didn't want him to feel like he was alone and I wanted him to not forget my voice.
Josephine Atluri (28:49):
Monique's story is heartbreaking, but I find her strength and courage so inspiring. I'm happy to share that her son Omar is a handsome little boy who is thriving. Many people think that once you get pregnant and have a child after going through infertility procedures, life moves on and all the grief from the past is forgotten. But stories like Monique's shows us that there can still be a lot more experiences to face. And now last but certainly not least, I had such an inspiring conversation with fellow Philippina fertility advocate Krystle Chavez, who is currently in the middle of her pregnancy. We are so excited for Krystle and her growing family. In this clip, she shares the role of her faith in keeping hope alive while trying to conceive as well as the tools she utilizes to help her stay grounded during a challenging process.
Krystle Chavez (29:41):
It gets hard. It gets hard sometimes. I'm not gonna lie. I mean sometimes I question if God hears me or if he sees me. And the work that I do as a Christian woman and why our path to parenthood is so incredibly hard for us. I've had those long cries with God. I believe that God has used the agony of infertility to grow and shape me and my faith in ways that I could have never chosen or never imagined. And after years, this is four years for us of trying to build our family. I truly believe in all of his messages in the Bible, in his way, that this is his way and it's completely in his timing, not my own. And when I finally understood that, because it took years, it took years for me to finally reckon the words of the Bible. And I have to come to the hard one place that's saying, honestly, I need to surrender it all to him.
(30:45):
And that's the thing with faith, you can't always see it, but you can feel it. And I do feel it in my heart. I feel, and I remind myself of the lessons that I've learned in the Bible, the stories of Hannah and how his promises are still so true. And no matter what obstacle we may be facing, he is still so good. And I know that in my heart of hearts that his glory and his power will prevail. And I feel as if though this is not over for us, we're scratching the surface and we're jumping through the hurdles and we're testing our faith daily with every failed protocol, every failed negative test. I mean, I think that this is just his way of showing us that he is still gonna, he's still in control. And regardless of what that looks like, he gives me faith in knowing that just keep going, trust the process and just keep going.
(31:51):
So that's kind of what I've done to weave my way through faith and fertility. And I mean, I'm not gonna lie, it's daunting and it's hard at times, but that's the only thing I have left is hope. I really try my best to practice grounded positive thinking. And this too has taken me years to master and I'm still working at it daily. But I think that the first step towards positive mental thinking is deciding that it's more than just positive mental thinking. It's a way of life or it's a way of my life. So what I like to do is I like to train the body. I like to train my mind. So that means doing physical exercise, meditations, prayers, yoga, my Peloton, just anything that strengthens my overall body and helps me feel better. I also set time aside every morning. It doesn't have to long anywhere from five to 30 minutes a day for prayer and meditation. This just helps me feel more grounded and it kind of gives me this feeling of being able and being capable of tackling anything throughout my day. So whether it's planting my feet on the grass and just taking in breaths of fresh air, thinking of nothing besides positive affirmations before I start my day. And I've learned a lot of these techniques through your meditation show.
(33:23):
Before I met you, I honestly never knew about meditation like I do. But once I started diving into your practices last year, I believe I haven't looked back. I incorporate them daily. So they for me have been a huge game changer for my wellbeing. So I really wanted to shout you out and thank you for that. Cause they really have changed my overall wellbeing. I think one thing that's helped me also is learning to respond and not to react. So example, if my husband one night forgets to take out the trash, I would get really upset, really angry, maybe start screaming at him. And then over time I've, we've seen that worsen our relationship. That doesn't bring any type of goodness into the relationship when yelling gets involved. So I learned how to respond to my anger, meaning taking a pause, a breath, taking a moment to just reevaluate the situation.
(34:34):
So rather than responding with anger, I talk to my husband, why did you forget to take out the trash? Was it because you had a stressful day at work? Was it that you were too busy? Was it that you just forgot? Whatever the reason is? Just learning how to calmly take that approach has not only been super beneficial for both of us. We were once, especially going through fertility treatments. Oh my gosh, every little thing would set me off. And he was like, we learned it in therapy when our therapist was like, You guys really have to understand the difference. And he gave us Webster dictionary definitions between responding versus reacting. And we practice that and it took time. But now we are much better at responding to even everyday life situations more mindfully.
Josephine Atluri (35:31):
All of these strong fertility advocates have inspired so many through their candor via their companies, podcasts and social media profiles. Definitely check out their individual interviews on RTL in previous episodes where you will hear in greater detail about their personal journeys and the strength and resilience it took for them to persevere. Plus they share so many lessons learned from their unique experiences creating their families. I'll leave you all with one last thought about navigating infertility, one's path to parenthood and life overall.
Allison Kasirer (36:09):
When I think about those low lows, I think you're gonna be in there forever. It feels just, it's everything. And the phrase that I love to use, I think I use this with you guys in the Fertility Out Loud campaign, but it's just a chapter. It's not your whole story and this too shall pass. And I think that's just really important to remember whenever you're in that present moment, that's just painful, frankly. And just sitting with that and really feeling that and knowing that it is going to pass and the next moment is gonna be different, the next day is going to be different.
Marilyn Gomez (36:57):
I learned about limiting beliefs and how it keeps us from moving forward and personally growing. And so any time I had this thought that would come into my head that was negative or kept me from growing as a human, I was able to say, No, you didn't cause this. It's not because God doesn't love you, it's not because you made a bad choice as a teen. It's not any of those things. It just is. And you don't have to attach the labels, you don't have to find reasons. Our brain naturally wants a reason for all of this to make sense for the trauma to make sense. And so I was like, okay, I know that I am a powerful being. I know that where I am is not a coincidence. I know that I am so worthy and that I can't work on healing myself and just loving my body.
(37:54):
And so I really had to find fine tune how I talked to myself in order for me to get to a place to start to heal. This little golden nugget is going to be so helpful for whoever's listening. And that is being aware of your thoughts. And it doesn't mean I'm not asking you to go sit and meditate. I think sometimes the word meditation can be so daunting for some people <affirmative>. But just being aware, just check in your head throughout the day like, huh, what am I thinking about? What belief is, what thought is ruminating that is harmful for me and my personal growth that is maybe getting in the way of me starting to heal and whatever trauma or stress or life obstacle that I'm experiencing, what is this thought? Where is it coming from and why is this thought false? And so my challenge is just to check in with yourself
Eli Weinstein (38:51):
When it comes to finding goodness in yourself and the power in yourself. A lot of times we forget the strengths that we have because naturally as human beings we're always looking for patterns and themes. Our brains are naturally in tune to that. We're always looking because of safety and survival and a lot of times we forget to look at ourselves for that as well. We lose sight of what got us to where we are, which is ourselves. So a lot of the work with someone is to find daily things that we are proud of ourself. And I'm not saying this is not fluffy. Like look in the mirror and tell yourself a mantra. If that helps you, amazing, go for it. If that doesn't, what I would say is this, Take a time to look in the mirror and find one thing that you actually think is valuable and important that day. It could be as simple as your eyes look really nice today, your clothes, your hair, your spirit, your smile. You did something really great that day, but you have power in you because you wouldn't be where you were today without that power. You wouldn't. And if you can't, haven't found it yet. It takes time and searching and self-reflection to understand what you bring to the table. Each person brings something unique to this world.
Monique Farook (40:14):
Allow the process and the journey to empower you and take control of the things that you can control and let go of the things that are not controlled, that you cannot control. Like your medical diagnosis. You can control your medicine and taking your medicine on time and you can control what you eat and you can control how much physical activity that you do. And you can control the kind of love that you give to your spouse and your significant other. But you cannot control the fact that you have such and such and such disorder or you, your right tube is not working properly. You can't control that. So just submit to whatever needs to be done to help you and allow that power to be given back to you cuz you never lost it. You just gotta reawaken your power and control the things that you can control and find community. Yeah, don't be a silent sufferer out here, just trying to wing it. It can really take you to a dark place. It really can. And so yeah, you guys just be empowered and find power in everything and anything that you do.
Krystle Chavez (41:25):
Publicizing my journey goes against everything I was taught as a child to not advocate, to not draw attention to myself and to definitely not speak up about my downfalls. And as a woman, not even just an Asian American woman as a woman suffering with infertility, that was also very isolating and detrimental to my mental health when I suffered in silence before, before last year, before I publicized it. So I was just really sick and tired of being stereotyped and I was tired of being hushed and silenced and gas lit, and I really wanted to take advantage and share my truth, take control of my own narrative, and empower others that it's okay to do the same.
Josephine Atluri (42:11):
Thank you again to all of you for tuning in to this enlightening episode on how to navigate the challenges of infertility and carving your own unique path to parenthood. There isn't one right way to create your family. Each person's story is important and your decisions honor your needs. I hope that all of you who are in the midst of creating your families feel seen, heard and represented here in this episode, myself and all of the advocates you heard from today strive to be inclusive of all people and experiences. I invite you to listen to their individual episodes on RTL and tune into next week's bonus episode where we will discuss another very important topic in the trying to conceive community, How to heal after loss. Thank you for listening to Responding to Life: Talking Health, Fertility and Parenthood. If you enjoy the show, I invite you to share it with others and leave a rating and review on whatever podcast outlet you use. To learn more on how to apply mindfulness to your life, please check out my book, The Mindfulness Journal for Parents available on Amazon on my website, jatluri.com. You can also check out older podcast episodes and so many tips on infusing mindfulness into your life, particularly if you are trying to conceive, experiencing infertility, managing your mental health or navigating parenthood. I offer affordable online mindfulness workshops as well as private online meditation sessions. Thank you again for your support and I look forward to sharing another inspirational story with you real soon.