RTL Episode 72: Our Beautiful Surprise: A Surrogacy Story
On this episode of Responding to Life, I am joined by infertility warrior and advocate Alex Kornswiet to discuss her journey to motherhood. Alex's journey included infertility, IVF, recurrent pregnancy loss, surrogacy, and a miracle pregnancy. Now, as a mom of (3) boys, Alex loves to connect with others and share her story to help others feel less alone.
Tune in to hear us discuss:
Why Alex chose to use a surrogate
Learn about her surrogacy journey and what the relationship was like between her and her family and the surrogate and her family
Alex's surrogacy grant - The Beautiful Surprise Grant
IG: @ourbeautifulsurprise Tiktok: @ourbeautifulsurprise
Episode 72 Transcript
Josephine Atluri (00:08):
Welcome to another episode of the Responding to Life podcast. Today I'm joined by infertility advocate and influencer Alex Kornswiet. Alex is a stay at home mom to three little boys. Her journey to motherhood included infertility, IVF, recurrent pregnancy loss, surrogacy, and a miracle pregnancy. Alex loves to connect with others and share her story to help others feel less alone. Alex also has a surrogacy grant called The Beautiful Surprise Grant. This grant specifically helps intended parents. So join me now as we hear from Alex on her path to parenthood and in particular her surrogacy journey.
Josephine Atluri (00:47):
Thanks so much for joining me on the show, Alex, I'm so excited to finally speak with you about your surrogacy experience.
Alex Kornswiet (00:55):
Thank you so much. I'm very happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
Josephine Atluri (00:59):
So for those of you that don't know Alex, she is an amazing advocate and infertility influencer on Instagram, and I'll have her information for you to connect with her and check out her page on social media after you listen to this great episode. But that's exactly how we met was through the online infertility community, and I was really excited to find Alex's page and then eventually get to know her because as we were talking before we started recording, it's pretty rare to find someone who has gone through a sury experience. It's becoming a little bit more frequent now of people doing it, but it is a little difficult to find people who want to be open to talk about it. So that's why I'm really excited for today's conversation. And I'm basically going to just let Alex begin by telling us your journey into parenthood and how that all began and how eventually it led to surrogacy.
Alex Kornswiet (02:12):
Yes. Well, thank you so much. I agree that I think that part of the reason that it means so much to me to talk about it is because I kind of wanna break the taboo of other people feeling like they can talk about it as well, and just having people be more comfortable or just knowing that they're not alone, even if they don't wanna personally share about their story. So I will start from the beginning. We found out that we had fertility issues pretty early on when we were trying. I think in a certain way I almost felt kind of lucky that we found out things early. I think a lot of people have to wait a really long time before they even know that they have to pursue any sort of treatments. And so I was not getting any sort of cycle. And after about six months I was referred to a for specialist.
(03:05):
And I think we have this in common too. I was living in Boston at the time when we first started. So we started when we were living in Boston, we saw a fertility specialist. We got very lucky. He identified that I, based on my anatomy, it wasn't really in the cards to get pregnant naturally. And so he suggested going straight into IVF again, we were very lucky we had an insurance plan that covered around, which is kind of unheard of for a lot of people. So we were able to move forward with that pretty quickly. We started IVF in 2016, and we were very fortunate that our first round actually worked. And we had our first son in January of 2017. And I think at the time I didn't really feel like I was a part of the community because everything went smoothly. And I knew how incredibly lucky I was that everything went so well.
(04:01):
But I was also naive and I thought that it would just work every single time we wanted it to. And I know now that sounds completely insane, but I really truly believed that. I really believed that it would just work again. And so in the fall of 2017, we started trying for a second child because we knew it could take a little while and everything just kept getting pushed back. My body just wasn't responding to things. We had to keep postponing or canceling cycles, which was very upsetting. We had a lot of cycles that I would go five or six weeks on medication and then it would get canceled because my lining wasn't growing. And I think that a lot of people can relate to that because canceling a cycle technically isn't losing a child or losing something, but it feels like a loss because you don't even know if it's ever gonna happen.
(04:52):
And so for us then we went into a third round that after having multiple canceled and we were trying a fresh cycle again because that had worked for our first son. And for me, that did work again temporarily. That's when I had my first miscarriage. That was in the fall of 2018. And for me, I mean, I don't think I've ever felt so low in my entire life as to when that happened because I did not really truly believe that if we went through IVF and did all of this, all of these things to get pregnant and it was a tested embryo, I really thought that it would stick around. And unfortunately I did not stay pregnant at that point. We changed doctors. He ended up having to do a surgery because that then I was diagnosed with Asman syndrome, which is very intense scarring in the uterus.
(05:53):
So I ended up needing a surgery for that. And then I was even kind of more low because I didn't really know if I would ever truly get pregnant again. We ended up trying another cycle. It failed, which I don't think I realized how similar a miscarriage and a failed cycle would fail to me and physically it wasn't the same. But mentally I just truly felt like it was a loss and I thought that I was pregnant and that I didn't get pregnant. And it was just devastating. At that point, our doctor had told us that we should wait about six more months to try again just because I needed to be on medication to try to help my lining. And this was the first time, this was the spring of 2019. It was the first time that he suggested surrogacy to us. And I think for a lot of people, if you're someone that ever is going to pursue surrogacy it, at least to us, I was blindsided by the suggestion.
(06:54):
I knew that it existed. I knew that people did it, but I did not genuinely ever think that we were gonna be people that had to pursue surrogacy. I really thought that I would eventually get pregnant and stay pregnant again myself. So I was pretty shocked by that. He told us that he would try on my body one more time to try to get pregnant, but I had to wait six months. And I think a lot of people can understand that if you're in the world of infertility, you don't wanna wait. It's the waiting that sometimes is the hardest and you really, it's not fun to wait. And so we had to, while we waited, instead of just doing other things, I really needed to have another backup plan for our backup plan. So at this point, that's when we really started to look into surrogacy and we started to look into agencies and do our research.
(07:48):
We ended up finding a few that we thought we liked. We spoke with a lot of them. And then eventually we met with one agency in person and it was about a two hour meeting. And again, it was very overwhelming. So much information. I can think of a million things that I would've asked them in that original meeting now, but I never would've known those things. Then <laugh>, just even communication things. I didn't know how important communication would be between us and our coordinator and our surrogate and everything like that. And at that point, we were just kind of getting the overview and information. So we got everything ready. We were prepared to go with an agency if we had to pursue surrogacy, but we still really didn't want to, wanted to try one more time for me and my body. So that fall of 2019, we did one more transfer.
(08:35):
That one worked. We were getting a little bit farther, we were really happy. And then around seven or eight weeks the doctor said he almost could not believe he was having to give us bad news again, but he said that there was nothing there anymore. And I just was like, What do you mean? And he said he'd wait one more week and check. But it wasn't looking good. And then when we went back in around I think eight weeks, there was just nothing there. And they call it a missed miscarriage because my levels were still rising. I was still technically registering as pregnant on all the blood tests and everything, but there was no baby anymore. And so I think it had just stopped growing really early and they didn't catch it.
(09:28):
And so at that point, I mean literally that day we decided that we were gonna go forward with surrogacy and we knew that we needed to process and grieve and acknowledge everything we'd gone through and that I would not be carrying a child again. That was a huge thing to grieve. But for us, it also can take six months to match with surrogate or more. And so we didn't wanna again wait and wait and then sign up. So we just decided, okay, we're gonna sign up for the agency then while we're waiting to match with the surrogate, we'll just let ourselves grieve all physically heal. Cuz I was still, I mean still hadn't even technically physically gone through the miscarriage because it was a mis miscarriage. And so then I was going through everything physically and we actually ended up matching with our agency with our surrogate in three weeks, which is insanely fast.
(10:26):
Oh my gosh. So yeah, <laugh>, I mean we were told three to six months and after three weeks they sent us her profile. We were like, There's already someone ready for this. Wow. We just got very lucky that there was actually more surrogates and less intended parents at the time, which almost never happens. And so they actually were able to send us multiple profiles to look at, which again, usually you don't have really a huge choice, more than one person. But they originally sent us the one and they said, I'm pretty sure this is the person that you'll pick, but here are some other options just to see who's out there that wants to be a surrogate. And all the other women, everyone was an amazing but they had all done it before and there was just different things. And I think that there's so much to consider and it's such a personal journey and experience.
(11:27):
And when you've never met the person before, there's just so much involved. I mean they're gonna be carrying your child. And so for us, I felt like her name's Madison, our surrogate. She's very open. She talks about her journey. She and I, we just felt like we connected really easily. We met her and her husband, they met us. Everybody just felt like they connected really well. And we both have said that we went to this original meeting to see if we wanted to work together. And it was a two hour meeting again, we really got to know each other. We heard about why she was a surrogate. She heard about why we were pursuing surrogacy. I mean we both kind of cried. It was a very good first meeting. And we both told each other later that we immediately knew during the meeting that we wanted to work together and be together, but we felt like we should give the other person time.
(12:20):
So we didn't say anything until the following day to the agency just to try to pretend like we were thinking about it <laugh>. But we already knew we wanted to do it. And so at that point it was kind of a lot because I was still physically going through my miscarriage because it lasted a really long time. I was ended up needing a DNC for that. I was still bleeding. I actually ended up needing another surgery a couple months later cause I was still bleeding. And so to be simultaneously going through all of the background information and also processing the miscarriage, I think that's something that I wouldn't change anything about how it went because I absolutely love our surrogate. Absolutely, we have our son now. But I think that it was probably not the best idea for me to just shove my grief aside and focus on that so quickly because later it caught up with me where I was dealing with a lot more anxiety and grief than I ever really expected. And I don't think I really fully let myself process the fact that I would not be carrying him <affirmative>. Because I also knew that when I was pregnant that last time in the fall when we matched with her, I was pregnant with a boy. And I think since we ended up having a boy, I don't know, there was just a lot of feelings associated with that and not like, boy, girl, it didn't matter to me. But there's still certain things that were just a lot of feeling there.
(13:50):
So we actually, we moved through everything, but for us, we also just felt like it was so meant to be because we matched with her so quickly, we both just really liked each other. We were able to set up a meeting to meet them within a week of matching or something really, really fast. And then she happened to be exactly in the place in her cycle to go to the doctor's office within a few days of us meeting her. So it was just wow, things that could've, all these things that usually take a lot of time, everything just kind of lined up. So we thought, okay. And we ended up going through all the medical, psychological, physical, all these different things that you do when you're preparing for surrogacy. And she we and the legal things. And so by the time we got it through everything, it took us probably two or three months to move through all of that.
(14:42):
And then we signed the contract with her. I remember that we found out on my birthday, which was December 18th, that the contracts were ready to go. And that just felt like a really good birthday present <laugh> cause we were moving forward with it. So our doctor, she had never been a surrogate before, so she had to do the mock transfer cycle, which is checking to see exactly when to do the transfer. And so he made that mandatory because he wanted to make sure that when we were doing a transfer, that it was the most ideal timing for her body. And we obviously were totally supportive of that. And she knew that going into, they had talked to her that this is part of the deal, you have to do this extra cycle. And she knew that. So we actually found out that she did need an extra day of progesterone.
(15:30):
So we were really glad that we did that mock transfer cycle. But then we went into the first transfer with her in February of 2020 and it did not work. And I think at that point we were so devastated because it felt the same as it felt when I had had my own failed transfer. But at the same time, almost, not worse, but just different because I thought if this isn't gonna work on her body, how are we ever gonna have a baby again? We had our one son and we just thought, we really thought that it was gonna work the first time. And we knew that it doesn't always, we know it can take two, three more times for some people and that it was just a reminder and it was kind of humbling that it's never guaranteed, it's never a promise that it's gonna work.
(16:24):
And so at that point, it was early March of 2020, she wanted to move forward with one more try. We wanted to move forward with one more try. Her body responded really well to everything. So she was actually ready to go within a week or so of the fail transfer and everybody was ready. We kind of all decided one more try. And then after that we would look at another option or figure out what to do. So she was going in, she got the call that she would start her meds. And then I got a call from our doctor's office saying, We're putting the cycle on hold. The pandemic shutdowns just started this week. We're not taking her in as another client, as another patient. We can't do her cycle anymore. And I have this very distinct memory of pacing back and forth behind the alleyway of our house, talking on the phone and sobbing to my doctor's office and my nurse and saying, You cannot cancel her cycle.
(17:26):
We've gone this far. This isn't her first time with you. I just remember begging them, begging them to let her continue with the cycle. And then I asked them a question and I said, If I was the one that was going through the cycle, if I was the one that was trying to get pregnant again, would you be canceling my cycle right now? And they said no. And I said, Then you have to let her continue because you can't not let me try to have a child just because my body can't get pregnant. And they talked to the doctor and he agreed, thankfully. But I think it was just one of those, I can't count how many times I've had to advocate for myself and our family throughout this. But that was a big one for me. I just needed her to be able to continue.
(18:11):
And I just thought it was very unfair that they would only cancel surrogate cycles. It didn't really make any sense to me especially because she wasn't a new patient for them. She had already done a cycle there and she had already done a mock cycle there. So she had done two full cycles with them. So I thought you have, she's been a patient here for four months, Let's go. So luckily they agreed, she was comfortable still going even though the shutdowns had started because they were extremely careful letting one patient into the office at a time, testing temperatures, all of this. They were very, very careful. So at that point, because the shutdowns happened though, I could no longer, neither of us could no longer go to any of the appointments with her. She had to go alone. And so she went alone to the appointments, which now just feels normal to us because that's been happening for a while.
(19:01):
But for at the time, we used to be able to go with her to appointments. And so I would go to every appointment with her. And so when that cycle started, we couldn't go, but we all decided we wanted another child that was the most important part. And so she got to the transfer. We weren't allowed to go to the transfer because of the pandemic. And so she filmed everything for us. So it was really, I think, I don't remember actually, I think she filmed it and she didn't have us on Zoom because we all decided that that would be too stressful for everybody if it had to be perfectly timed. And she didn't, we did not wanna add stress to the situation for her. So she filmed everything for us. We knew all the timing and so we got to see everything with the transfer.
(19:49):
And this is another part to me, which was unbelievable. So the first blood test, I'm someone that really likes dates. I remember certain dates that things happened that was a big deal to us. And so on April 23rd, she had her first beta test for this second cycle. And that is the day in 2016 when my first son's embryo was created, when I had my first egg retrieval. And also when this embryo that she had inside of her was created. And so they were both created that day on April 23rd and 2016. So four years later were finding out if this second baby is finally gonna be coming. And it was positive and it was just such a weight off of our shoulders cuz it was finally seemed like it was gonna be okay <affirmative>. And luckily everything went well. We found out a couple weeks later, she sent us the heartbeat video.
(20:48):
I remember my husband and I were sitting on our bed just waiting to get this video first thing in the morning of her filming, making sure that she could hear the heartbeat. We thought, okay, we haven't heard anything that has to be good news. And so we heard the heartbeat throughout the whole pregnancy. I think it was a very kind of unique surrogacy experience because we couldn't go to any appointment with any appointments with her. And we lived pretty close to each other, less than an hour away from each other. And I only saw her once at a park with our kids a little bit further into the year. And then really I would just go outside the appointments sometimes just to say hi. But we really, for the safety of her and her family and us and our family and really we just wanted to keep her as healthy as possible and safe.
(21:35):
And so we just didn't see each other at all, which was very, very strange. And so not only was I not carrying the baby, but I didn't even get to really experience any of the physical part of it because I didn't get to see her either or go to any of the appointments. But we saw everything recorded and still she was very, we communicated a lot. We talked by text daily. We just were very open with each other with everything with that. And so we were just so incredibly grateful <laugh> that he was finally on the way. And so we knew from the beginning that it was a boy just cuz it was tested embryos we didn't choose anything they just had told us. And so on December 18th, again my birthday, he was born in 2020. And so that was just an incredibly magical day.
(22:26):
I think I had experienced giving birth myself to my first son and it was the most wonderful day having him. And so I didn't know how I would feel having our second son without actually being the one giving birth. I knew it would be wonderful and special because he was finally with us. But I don't know how to explain it other than, I don't know. I didn't how the attachment would feel. I didn't know if I would feel like I was just kind of watching in the background. But I felt completely a part of the day. They allowed me to be in the room with her the entire time while she was in labor. She was induced. So everything went a lot smoother. And that was really nice. My husband was allowed to come in as our son was being born. And so he got to witness the birth as well.
(23:14):
And then we stayed in the room. There's this golden hour at a lot of the hospitals around us where, I don't know if other places in the country and world do this, but they leave you alone with the baby for an hour before they do any of the vitals unless they're concerned about something just because they want you to have that special one-on-one time with them right away. And we decided to have that golden hour with her and her husband. And so that was just very special cuz we were both holding our son. But then we were able to talk to them and then we were able to have her hold him and that was just all very special. And so we then left the room with our baby and left her and her husband cuz she was also really ready to just heal herself and go back to her kids and just go back to her family and be normal again with her family.
(24:07):
And I remember talking to her afterwards cuz she also wasn't sure how she would feel exactly in the moment just because she had never done it before. And she said she didn't know if she wanted to be a surrogate again until she saw us walk out of the room with our son. And she said that it was one of the most beautiful moments and most special moments for her because she could see how happy we were. And now she's actually doing a journey with another family. Oh really? Yeah. And so for us it was just extremely special.
(24:42):
And so we brought him home. Our older son got to meet him. He was incredibly happy to be a big brother. He still really is. And then the other part of our story is that when our second son was about four months old and I found out I had become pregnant naturally, which was extremely surprising to me because I was always told that I would never get pregnant on my own. And I had never gotten pregnant on my own, let alone stay pregnant. So at that point, the day I found out, I went back to a fertility doctor that I trust that would still see me as a patient. And I was getting every help I could to make sure that he stuck around to. And I think that pregnancy after loss is very unique as well. I really blissfully ignorantly in a good way enjoyed my first pregnancy with my first son.
(25:46):
And then we had the surrogacy pregnancy, which was just a completely different experience. And then when I was pregnant with my third son, I was so nervous the whole time that something was gonna happen. I had some spotting around five or six weeks and I was just convinced that that was it, that it was over. And I was just so upset. And I remember my husband was too, cause we just did not know anything else for my body for a long time. And luckily she had me on blood thinners. I was doing two to three times a week checking my blood work, my hormones were all over the place, constantly dropping. And so that's why I was grateful that she was able to keep my fertility. Doctor was able to keep such close eye on me because I truly believe that helped him stay in there.
(26:31):
And then she was able to adjust and add hormones, blood thinners. I like lipid infusions. I mean, I think anybody going through any of the pregnancy after loss, like everything she called it, the kitchen sink, she just, everything possible that I could be taking, I was taking. And luckily everything worked. And we had him this year in January and now we have our three little boys. And every day I tell my husband, even though motherhood can be hard every day, and there can be moments also every single day, I just look at them and I just am completely in awe that they're mine. I just feel extremely blessed to have them.
Josephine Atluri (27:15):
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Alex. I really thank you. I appreciate you being so vulnerable and candid with us about every step of your journey because I know full well how it feels to just recount everything and it almost feels like you're reliving it. So I do appreciate that. And it's an amazing journey that you've had. I mean, anything that you had to go through and the various different, all very different experiences <laugh>. But I'd love to dive in a little bit on just your sury experience just because it's something that people are curious about. And we were talking about before it's starting to become a little bit, people are starting to do it more. But you mentioned that in the beginning that it was really easy for you and your surrogate to connect. My audience knows that I went through two different surrogacy journeys and two different people. But I know that from the moment that you met her that you felt in your gut that connection. But how did you go about creating that relationship and forming it?
Alex Kornswiet (28:44):
Yeah, so I think that this is something that is, it's such a unique relationship because I did not know her at all before this started. And I know that everybody is different, but for us, we didn't have anyone in our family or anyone that, it didn't work out for anybody that we knew. And so this was our only option. And so when we were making that connection with her, I think first it made a big difference that we were able to share with the agency both what we were interested in with the relationship because everybody kind of is looking for something different. So we wanted to be able to communicate with her directly and openly throughout. We wanted to have the option of having a relationship with her afterwards. We both acknowledged that we didn't know how we would feel until after the journey. And so we didn't wanna make any promises, but we just knew that there was the opening for that <affirmative>.
(29:42):
And so I think really being open about what our expectations were throughout it, I think that made a really big difference for me. I think that as the intended parent, I also just wanted to make sure that she felt that I respected that it was her body <affirmative>. And even though obviously it's our child and she respected that. So I think it was this mutual respect where she knows it's our child, so we're going to trust her to take care of our child as well as she can. But we also had to respect that it's her body. And she has had carried two little girls to turn. She had two beautiful kids. She knew what it was like to already be pregnant. Everything had gone really well for her own children. So I just had to not put the distress that I had with my own body on her.
(30:33):
And I think also, not only that, but I also think just respecting her where I didn't expect to tell her exactly what to eat every day or how to do everything or there were just certain things that I didn't want to be too controlling because I just had to accept that I really did not have a lot of control. And that was really hard. But at the same time, I knew that our son was in the best place he possibly could be to grow big and strong. And so I think that respect went a long way because I think that allowed her to feel more relaxed as well, <affirmative>. And also the fact that she respected us meant we could trust her more. So I think that really helped with building our relationship a lot.
Josephine Atluri (31:22):
Yeah, no, that's a really great point. I liked how you mentioned that you couldn't put your distrust of your body onto her. That is a really good point that I didn't think about. And
Alex Kornswiet (31:42):
Yeah, I'm curious. I think that's something that's really hard to do cause
Josephine Atluri (31:47):
It's so embedded in your experience that yeah, it's hard not to separate from that. I mean, that's how you came to this position to begin with, right? Yeah totally get that. And so you mentioned when you were doing that initial search and for the agency, but also with the surrogate, that there were many things that in retrospect you would've asked, but you had no idea. So I'd love for you to share some things, some lessons learned about the surrogacy experience that you had no idea that that would be something worth asking or mentioning or experiencing for those who are even maybe considering.
Alex Kornswiet (32:34):
Yeah, so I think some of my top things that at least at our initial meeting weren't discussed and the surface level was one communication. It was discussed because they told us who our court that you're given a coordinator to go between the intended parents, us and the surrogate. But I didn't really ask any details about how that worked because there were just so much was so information given to us and they went from the whole process. So it felt like we should have gotten all the information. But I think there's things people don't really think about until they're in it. Also, agencies are wonderful. Most of the time the people who work at an agency are on the surrogacy side. They've experienced with being a surrogate or surrogacy. So they don't really fully always understand the intended parent side of it. So I think that asking specifically intended parent questions I didn't even consider.
(33:34):
So for the communication, we had a coordinator that went between us, but it was the same coordinator for both of us, which makes sense cuz she's talking to both of us. But that meant really it was just for her to advocate for our surrogate and just kind of tell us things. And so for me, I ended up really more directly speaking to our surrogate because that was just easier for me. I thought things got lost in translation otherwise <affirmative>. And so I think with that, I think asking and making sure, okay, if we're gonna work with the surrogate, can I talk to her directly if you want to, can I be matched with someone that wants to talk to me directly that I can communicate with openly? But then also when there's kind of the more uncomfortable subjects that you don't wanna talk directly to them.
(34:20):
Like finances, <affirmative> when you use a coordinator and okay, they're there if there's something you need to clarify or something she needs to clarify. And so I think those types of questions of just clarifying how that's all gonna work was would've been helpful. I think also for me, a big one is support for the intended parents. There was one person that was the psychologist for all of the surrogates, and technically they said she was available to us, but anytime we talked to her, it was just kind of her making sure that we were considering the feelings of our surrogate, which I understand, but that's not being there for us. So it was just really her making sure that we were also there for her. And so I don't think that I really acknowledged or really understood how important it was for us to have support throughout the process.
(35:16):
And so I think just considering asking your agency if they have support directly for the intended parent, if they don't, which a lot I don't think they do usually is just finding outside support for yourself, whether it be a therapist that you know can count on, whether it be your partner, and just having really open conversations with them, whether you have friends that you can rely on. Just finding people that are 100% there for you I think is extremely important. Because I think a lot of times, even family members and friends, they mean well. But when they talk to intended parents, they'll say, Oh, how's your sur doing? Is she okay? And they really just ask about the surrogate and they don't always remember that it's still a big deal for the intended parents. And so that's the main one for me is just finding support for you, just for you.
Josephine Atluri (36:11):
That is an amazing point because as you were talking about it, it really didn't even dawn on me as we were going through the two separate processes that it's true, we had our counselor or point of contact as our, I guess support you would call it, but our surrogates, they both had support groups that they went to that was part of the agency that put it together, but there was never anything for us. And so you're totally right in that you need to get outside support. Cause I don't think other places offer that for the intended parent. You're right. Yeah.
Alex Kornswiet (36:55):
I don't think
Josephine Atluri (36:57):
Huge emotional thing that you're going through. And to speak on that, I'm wondering from your experience just in terms of how it felt to go from just having been pregnant and having your own pregnancy and then following it with that loss. So immediately how you sort grappled with that throughout the surrogacy experience.
Alex Kornswiet (37:28):
Yeah, so that's an interesting question because I've actually thought about it a lot since then. And I think for me, during the actual surrogacy process, I just kind of didn't deal with it. I think that I thought I did, but I just, I was so grateful that he was finally on the way when she was pregnant and everything was okay with the pregnancy that I just, when I'm saying that we don't get a lot of support as intended parents directly without asking, I think that even we forget to support ourselves because we even tell ourselves, You should just be grateful you're finally having a baby. This is what you wanted. Somebody else is doing this for you. And it's just like you're not allowed to have any other feelings. And that I don't agree with that, but I think that's what I was telling myself.
(38:18):
And so I would talk to my husband about it, and we both had our own feelings that we would talk about, but I felt like I shouldn't admit that to anyone else. And so I feel like I had a hard time really grieving anything that had happened because, well, that was in the past, and now we're having a baby finally again. And then when my second son was born, I had so much intense anxiety that felt like it came outta nowhere, but it obviously came from me never dealing with my grief. And so at that point, that's when I started seeing a therapist myself and working through things. And I think that I wished that I had acknowledged it sooner and actually worked through it during the surrogacy process instead of just kind of ignoring it at that point.
Josephine Atluri (39:00):
Yeah, no, I totally get where you're coming from on that. It's so fascinating the way all of that can manifest itself into different ways and just completely out of the blue when you least expect it. But you're completely right in that idea of being grateful for the fact that you're going through this experience and all of a sudden all that other stuff that happened to you should just sort wash away and not be a part of the picture. But it always is a part of the picture and it just makes you feel so guilty about it, thinking about those things when you're already in this really special position to be able to have a child be a surgay. But I totally, and
Alex Kornswiet (39:53):
That's it too. Not everyone can pursue surrogacy. A lot of people can't because it's so expensive and there's so much to it. So I felt like we are in this very unique, very grateful position that we can actually do this. So I should absolutely not be complaining about anything. And I think it's just a reminder that everybody's journey is different, and it doesn't mean that you can't have things that you still need to work through.
Josephine Atluri (40:17):
Right, exactly. Yeah. No. Well, I could keep going on. I have so many questions for you, and I'm sure the rest of the audience will still have a bunch of questions. Maybe I could just have you back on to talk further about it, but I would implore those who are listening that if they're wanna learn more about sury or just your whole experience, you have a wealth of information about your fertility journey as well as your motherhood experience on Instagram. And that's, as I mentioned, how I discovered you. So I would totally tell people to check you out. If you can tell people your handle, that would be amazing. Valid. Yes,
Alex Kornswiet (41:08):
Yes. So it's our beautiful surprise. And also when we were talking about the expense, I just wanted to mention that I have a surrogacy grant that I'm raising money for as well, that will go towards specifically intended parents, and all of that information is on my page and everything as well.
Josephine Atluri (41:30):
Oh, that's so amazing that you're doing that. That's really very excited about it. Yeah, no, that's so great. I appreciate everything that you do for the community. I mean, your voice out there is so supportive and welcoming, and I know it helps so many people out there. Well, thank
Alex Kornswiet (41:50):
You for everything you do as well, and I've thank you for having me on here. I really appreciate it.
Josephine Atluri (41:55):
Thanks, Alex. I'll talk soon. Thank you. Thank you
Alex Kornswiet (41:58):
So much.
Josephine Atluri (41:58):
Thank you for joining me on another episode of the Responding to Life podcast. I hope you found Alex's story helpful and inspiring. Please be sure to check out her website and her account on Instagram for more information on surrogacy, infertility, advocacy and parenting support. As a reminder, I now offer fertility, pregnancy, and parenting specific meditations and life coaching sessions, as well as online workshops and my two books on mindfulness. Simply go to my website, jatluri.com, for more info, and don't forget to follow me on Instagram at @josephineratluri. Lastly, I now offer free support groups via the Peanut app - download the free app and look for my support groups. The first one is called Journey to Motherhood for TTC and Infertility Wellness and the second group is called Thrive and Grow Pregnancy, Postpartum and Mamahood Mindfulness Support. I'd love to connect with you on a more personal level via these groups.