RTL Episode 55: A Purpose Driven Mom - Cara Harvey
RTL Episode 55: A Purpose Driven Mom - Cara Harvey
On today’s episode, I am joined by Cara Harvey.
Cara is a wife, mom to a 14-year-old stepson, 5-year-old daughter, 3-year-old son, and a woman of God. She works as a mom empowerment coach and her mission is to provide women with the tools, resources, and community to reach their goals, empower themselves, find their happiness, and live a life by design. She does this via her blog, podcast, virtual community groups, and e-courses that help women learn to balance their lives, finances, schedules, health, and themselves!
In today's episode, Cara will share how to:
Take a proactive vs reactive approach to our time management.
Create space for our goals in our busy mom week.
https://apurposedrivenmom.com/
Episode 55 Transcript
Josephine Atluri (00:09):
Welcome to Responding to Life. A podcast where we talk about issues relating to health, fertility, and parenthood. On today's episode, I'm joined by Cara Harvey. Cara is a wife, mom to a 14 year old stepson, five-year-old daughter, three-year-old son, and a woman of God. She works as a mom empowerment coach and her mission is to provide women with the tools, resources, and community to reach their goals, empower themselves, find their happiness, and live a life by design. She does this via her blog, podcast, virtual community groups, and e-courses, that help women learn to balance their lives, finances, schedules, health, and themselves. Today, Cara and I will share how to take a proactive versus reactive approach to our time management and create space for our goals in our busy mom week. Welcome to the show Cara, thank you so much for joining me here today. I am so excited for our conversation.
Cara Harvey (01:04):
Thank you for having me. I'm excited to chat.
Josephine Atluri (01:06):
Yeah. So I asked you to come on the show cause I'm always looking for people who help others with their responses to life and in particular, love to talk about parenthood. And so, you know, I often talk about coming from when you are met with a challenge in life to either you can either react or you can respond in a more mindful way. And so I'm really drawn to the work that you're doing and I'd love for us to begin by having you share with our listeners what you do and how you came to this purpose in your life.
Cara Harvey (01:41):
Yeah, sure. I mean, it's, it's been a wild journey, honestly. Like I call myself an accidental entrepreneur because it is not what I intended to do. And now here I am. So I'm a productivity coach for moms. I was a school teacher for eight years. I loved it until I burnt out so badly that I just couldn't do it anymore. And so right around year seven, I remember the day, I was going in for the summer school program. I was the principal of our summer school program and it overlapped the last day with the first day of regular school for teachers. And I just sat in my car and I cried and I came home to my husband and I said, I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm working nonstop. My stepson at the time was four. I was like, I'm never seeing him. I'm never seeing you. I just need to do something different. And he's like, okay, I mean whatever, he's super supportive, he was like, but we have to make money so what's, what's your plan there? And I was dabbling in network marketing and I thought, well, maybe I can try this. Maybe I can see if this can be something to make that bare minimum I needed to leave and then explore possibilities. And so I absolutely hate the word hustle, but it is what I did that eighth year of teaching so that I was able to make that bare minimum amount to leave and start working for myself. And so I did full-time network marketing for about three years and on the outside it looked so successful. People were like, oh my goodness, you've got 250 people on a team and you've grown this six-figure business and it looks great.
Cara Harvey (03:01):
But on the inside I was drowning. I was doing all the exact same things I was doing that burnt me out with teaching. I wouldn't go to bed unless I was at inbox zero. And I felt I had no boundaries at all. As soon as somebody messaged me, I jumped on it. I was on my phone during every single meal and at this point, I had had my daughter she's five now and I was pregnant with my son and I just thought, there's gotta be something else. I've got to be able to do something that allows me to be mom and allows me to serve and give and provide for my family that doesn't equal me burning out and just giving, giving, giving to everyone else. And so about three and a half years ago, it was when I had kind of the tug to start a purpose-driven mom. And I built it at 3m nursing, my son over a Boppy pillow, and I bought a domain and I thought, let's try this out. The past three years have been exploration of finding my passion, my skillset, and what moms need from me. And it's all kind of come together to this incredible place where now I get to help thousands of moms in my courses. And I help them learn how to find time for their own goals without overwhelm, without burnout, without putting themselves last all the time. And I get to do it from home, support my familyand make a huge impact. And so it's been an incredible journey and kind of how I've gotten here today.
Josephine Atluri (04:19):
That's amazing. It sounds like a total dream.
Cara Harvey (04:23):
It's pretty cool.
Josephine Atluri (04:24):
Yeah. Yeah. I totally understand where you're coming from in terms of, you know, when you were doing the network marketing and just being tied to your phone and tied to work and not feeling fulfilled in that role and also hitting, you know, I was, I was in fitness and I was doing operations for it. And at some point I, you know, everything you were talking about just really resonated with me. And I also came to that point where I just stopped and had to ask myself the tough questions of like, what is it that we're doing here? Why are we doing this if we're not happy with what we're doing or, you know, end goal I was trying to, I wanted to help people, but it wasn't working out the way I had wanted to. So, I'd love to explore that a little bit more because you know, some people find themselves in that position, that same position that both you and I found ourselves in, but then don't really know what the next steps are for how to pivot and how to change the direction of their lives so that they are living with purpose. So how do you help your clients? You know, when they're kind of at that tipping point, decide what their next step should be and how they should proceed?
Cara Harvey (05:39):
Yeah. That's a good question because this is exactly kind of what happens in the path when I work with moms. I help them manage their time and all of a sudden they're like, wait a minute, I have time to go after my goals. I haven't thought about a goal or a dream or a passion in so long. And they're stuck. Like, I don't even know where to start because I've been so lost along the way in the weeds of trying to do the day-to-day. And I think that I want to start with like, that's really normal. And I think a lot of moms and women, when they do that, they think there's something wrong with them. They're like, I got so lost and I don't know who I am and what have I been doing wrong? Like, you've been doing nothing wrong. You're doing the best that you've known to do, but if you're ready to level up and take care of you a little bit, it's possible.
Cara Harvey (06:20):
And so one of the recommendations I always give to start is just to do some exploration, have fun, and allow yourself to make it messy. And nobody wants to hear this because they're like, just tell me what to do, give me a chart, I can rank things and we can do all that, like I'm super type A, like let's, let's make a chart and we'll rank things and all of that. But I want to give you permission to try things that you potentially aren't going to like to do, try things that you're going to fail at, try things that you're not naturally good at it at the same time. Because when you try things that you're like, hey, this could be cool. We have some women in my group who are learning languages right now; that's one of the hobbies they're starting to do.
Cara Harvey (06:56):
And they're like, I'm actually not enjoying this; I don't want to do it. I don't want to take the class. Well, that's good because now you know something you don't enjoy, right? And now you know, what doesn't fill you up. And now, you know, the types of things you don't want to do. And I think that that's important to know going into it, that there's going to be a learning curve. I think sometimes when we go after these goals or we make these pivots, whether it's in our personal hobbies or professional lives, we feel like we're supposed to just know how to do it. And we don't allow in time to learn. Learning itself is a goal. Learning is part of that journey. And even if when I started my blog, I said, all right, I'm going to learn how to start a blog. And I was getting so frustrated in the beginning because it wasn't taking off. It wasn't doing what I wanted it to do. And I forgot that there's a learning curve. There's a period where I'm going to have to be willing to invest in myself time-wise to learn what to do and be okay with the fact that I don't know everything and that I'm going to have to let it be messy. And I think when you come from a position, like I came from teaching, you know, into network marketing into business, I was used to doing it well. And a lot of us, if you come from a career where you're used to being good at it, and then you go to this place where you're like, I'm not good at this, I don't like these feelings - it's really challenging. So before you even start this exploration, I want to like toss a couple of disclaimers and the one is that there's going to be things that you try that you don't like, it's going to be messy and you have to like allow it to be messy.
Cara Harvey (08:21):
And you also have to a lot in time to learn because I think there's this mix between the messy period where we're like, I don't really like this because it's uncomfortable, but then there's also, why is it uncomfortable? Is it uncomfortable because you just don't know how to do it yet and you just need to give yourself the space to do it, or, is it uncomfortable because it doesn't bring you joy and it's not actually what you want? And I think you need to give yourself that time. I think that whole first year leaving teaching and going to network marketing was this identity crisis, honestly. I was so used to being Miss Cam because my last name was Miss Camalari and they were like Cam and that's who I was for eight years of my life. I had given a huge piece of me.
Cara Harvey (08:59):
And so going from being that and having that purpose into, okay, I like network marketing, this is okay I'm enjoying it, but it wasn't who I was. So I felt like I was learning who I was, but I had also lost that piece of my identity. And I think that we have to be willing to give ourselves time to grieve that loss of identity, but also to start to relearn who we are, what brings us joy, because I think also a lot of times we try things that we used to like, and we just don't like anymore. And that's also hard for us. We were like, I used to be great at this. I used to enjoy this. We change, we evolve as people and you've got to be gentle and grace based with yourself along the way.
Josephine Atluri (09:41):
Oh my gosh. So much to unpack there so much wisdom. I love it. I love all the experiences that you draw from and are able to, to give back to others. You know we come from a society that is just all driven on immediate gratification. So when you're talking about jumping into a new path altogether and feeling uncomfortable and upset because it's not working out the way you had envisioned in your mind, like when you start something new, you're so excited to like get on it and that it should be this way, but then you forget along the way that, you know, that it does - you're right - it takes time to sort of settle into it. And it can be hard to enjoy the process as you're going along, because you have that vision of, in your mind of what it's supposed to be, but it takes some balance to realize that every day, you know, it gets better, but we need to be patient with it and, and enjoy that whole process.
Josephine Atluri (10:44):
Just so many wonderful things there. Thank you so much for sharing that with us, Cara. And so, you know, on your website, the word that was drawn to me was intention. And, you know, you're talking about overwhelm and being able to manage all of the stressors of life and not really knowing like what you're doing at the end of the day and how you can flip it and how you actually can, you know, manage and navigate life, but doing so with intention. So I'd love to hear what that means to you and how you help your clients figure out like how to infuse intention in their solutions to their challenges.
Cara Harvey (11:27):
Yes. I would love to talk about this because I think that for so many of us, we get to the end of the day and we just throw our hands up in the air and we're like, I don't know what just happened. And listen, I have days like that too. But when you're having almost everyday like that, I think that needs to be a flag for you to stop and say, but how can I not float through life? I remember surveying some of the moms in my membership when they joined and I said, you know, why did you join? And often the, the responses 'I was just floating through life.' And when it really hit me was we do this year end reflection process. And inside of it, we talk about like, hey, the high points, the low points, like all of that. And I had a mom email me separately and said, this was really challenging for me because I couldn't remember anything I did this year. I felt like I barely existed. And that like that for me was a turning point in my own business when I was like, this is exactly what I want to help them not do. Like I want for them to get to the end of the year and whether it was good or bad or whatever words you want to put on it, they at least lived it. They, they at least went through it and they had the feelings and the emotions and the highs and the lows and they can get to the end of the year and say, listen, I didn't do everything I set out because we are over planners by nature, right? So I didn't do everything, but I certainly was there and I was present. And for me that's the intentionality. My approach is like a grace and intentional based approach where we're like, listen, I'm going to be purposeful.
Cara Harvey (12:48):
I'm going to be intentional. And I'll give you some practical examples of how I really encourage women to do that. But I also want to have the grace that I know every day is going to be kind of a mess and that there's going to be times where the kid gets sick or the dog has to go to the vet and life gets messy. So it's okay. I'm not aiming for perfection. I'm aiming to have an intentional life. And that needs to be the new barometer. Not did everything get crossed off on my list? Like, did I do everything perfectly? Did I show up for all of my roles? Right? Cause we're more than our to-do list, but instead we put our worth in that list like it is who we are, it's our entire identity and if we didn't do it, then we're failing.
Cara Harvey (13:28):
But instead it's how did you show up for that to do list? Not did I show up for it? And so that's one of the things that I teach moms, is a strategic, weekly planning system that lets you be super intentional about not being on the back burner, but also not being overwhelmed. Because if I were to say to a mom, like, you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first and all those things, we hear this, but we also have people we have to take care of. And this is one of the things like I can't stand about the productivity space in general, is this hustle, like you don't want it bad enough, like your why needs to be bigger than your excuses. That type of mentality I think is garbage because for moms it's just different. It's just different.
Cara Harvey (14:08):
Because if I was to say to a mom, you don't want it bad enough; you're letting your kids be your excuse or something. Like that's shameful, right? This society is like productivity space. And I guess, I guess I'm one to, right? But most of them like, they are just like shame-based productivity. But instead, can we look at a grace based approach? Can we say, what did you do? Cause when you tell a mom her why it needs to be bigger than her excuses and she doesn't want to bad enough. If you ask any mom like, hey, what's your goal. I don't care if it's they want to run a marathon or start a business or make a scrapbook. Eventually it's going to come down to their kids. There's something in there. They're doing it for their kids to be a better mom, to be a happier mom, whatever it is.
Cara Harvey (14:43):
So you're saying essentially like, so you don't care about your kids enough, like that's nonsense, right? It's absolute nonsense. And so I like to teach moms this like slow and steady approach to being intentional and being like me first without feeling guilty, without feeling like I'm just going to shut the door and do my own thing. And my kids can fend for themselves, right? Cause that's what a lot of people like, you know, without, without all that now, listen, I'm big on boundaries. And like, that's like a whole other topic, but I think that we need to just look at it differently. So let me round this out with just a couple tips on how you can do this in your weekly planning. So if you look at your week, there's a couple of things I'm going to recommend you put in before you put all the other things because immediately when we go to plan our weeks, we're like, oh, I need to go get this from Target. I need to make this phone call. My kid needs this. Instead, let's do it differently. Let's start with what are the things you cannot change? You know, you've got the appointments, the doctor's appointments, soccer practice, whatever, because we can't change those. But then I'm going to encourage you to put three things into your schedule intentionally for you and these three things I don't want them to take more than 15 minutes, literally three 15 minute chunks per day. The first one is something for one of your goals. So say you wanted to make that scrapbook for your daughter's first birthday and that's something important to you. Can you spend 15 minutes a day working on that scrapbook? Plan it out in advance, put on a timer, if you want to do more than 15 minutes - awesome, but if you get that 15 minutes done that is incredible and you should be proud. The other thing I want to encourage people to put in their schedules is something for like a routine. So if you're working on your evening routine or your morning routine or your afternoon routine, whatever that is, intentionally plan that routine out so that it has something for you in it. And then the third piece is going to be a piece of learning and growth. And this is where I want you to take the Spanish lesson, take the class, take the, listen to the podcast, read the book, do something to just learn and grow a skill or personal growth or whatever it is just for you. And this isn't three hours; just do 15 minutes. Because I think when you intentionally look at your schedule this way, you're like, oh, I have plenty of time to run to Target and make the phone calls and do all the things for the kids.
Cara Harvey (16:44):
But when you do it the other way and you feel all those things in first, the first thing that we're going to say is I don't have the time. I don't have time. I don't have time for my goals. I don't have time for this. I've got to go to work. I've got all these things. I want to encourage people to flip it on its head and say, how can I put these tiny power pockets into my schedule to focus on me intentionally first, and then fill in all the other things. And you'll find that you have more time than you realize.
Josephine Atluri (17:11):
That's so amazing, Cara. I love it. I just, okay, so this idea of flipping it on its script and approaching your schedule first by putting in those 15 minute power pockets as you call it, which I really love. I think it's so great because a lot of times people think that they have to be these really long sort of extended moments in time. And that's why people feel like they can't fit in those moments for themselves to achieve their goals, right? But the way you're phrasing in terms of just throwing in three 15 minute sessions, 15, what's 15 minutes? We spend 15 minutes in the carpool lane or more, actually. And so squeezing in those 15 minutes and then using it in those three different ways is just, I love it, because you know I'll read books in waves, you know, I'll, I'll feel just like you described, like, I don't have time to do this.
Josephine Atluri (18:16):
How can I possibly pick up a book? I don't have time to do all the things. And, but I find that when I actually do, or when I have those moments where I can actually listen to something that is providing me with growth opportunities, it's so refreshing. And it just makes me feel alive. You know, it makes me feel like I'm evolving and expanding and it's a great feeling to have. So, I really appreciate how you're able to give people actionable tips that don't feel overwhelming and that hit many different points of their lives.
Cara Harvey (18:52):
Yeah. The 15 minutes is magic. And I think that the cool thing about 15 minutes is that you can really convince yourself to do anything for 15 minutes. Like it goes really fast. Like it's just 15 minutes. And honestly, when you do 15 minutes and you're trying to like push it to do it, put on a timer and put on like a good Spotify show, that's like three or four songs or whatever, put on a podcast, it will go so fast. But the other thing we know about for 15 minutes is we can easily like I'm on TikTok there we go 15 minutes is done, right? I'm on Instagram; I'm doing it. The power is yes, we're taking action, but the power is consistent action and in consistent action we start to grow our competence because that's the root of it.
Cara Harvey (19:30):
The reason a lot of us aren't achieving our goals is because we don't truthfully believe that we're able to do it because we've failed so many times or we haven't shown up. How many people put the same resolutions year after year after year, right? So when you start this 15 minute and you track it and I'm going to do this 15 minutes for 30 days, I'm going to see how it goes. But at the end of that first month, you're like, wait a minute. I did it. I can show up for myself. And it's not just 15 minutes. It's 15 minutes. We're going to eliminate the, just because you're showing up for yourself and that's massive and that will grow your confidence. And that will grow the belief system and your growth mindset into like, wait a minute, I can do this. Like I thought I couldn't and I've tried and I failed, but I'm showing up for myself and I think that confidence piece is the biggest change I see in moms and they don't realize it's happening - I'm super sneaky about it, it comes on the back end - and all of a sudden you're like, wow, I can actually accomplish this. Now, I want to try another goal. Now, I want to try for this thing. Now, I believe that I can do these things. And it happens over time consistently being intentional with your own 15 minute pockets.
Josephine Atluri (20:36):
That's so wonderful. You're right. Yeah. Eliminating words, words - taking out that just - I love that because words are so powerful and even switching one tiny word or eliminating it can make such a difference. And, and you're right. Once you see results, you know, you have actual hard evidence of you being able to do something, it propagates more success for you in attacking other challenges. So thank you so much for sharing that. And you mentioned in our pre-interview I was asking like how many, what, what you wanted to discuss in terms of time management and, and your busy work week and being proactive versus reactive. Can you give an example of like, perhaps in your own life of how you took a proactive approach to, to balancing everything in your life?
Cara Harvey (21:37):
I love this concept of proactive versus reactive because I realized I wasn't doing it. And then it was a light bulb moment for me. So I'm going to share this if you are taking notes I know I talk fast so put me on 0.75 speed or something right now because I want to give you something that I think is going to massively change your schedule. So maybe it was about a year ago and my stepson came up to me and he said, you know, Cara, I need some deodorant or whatever, he's 14, and I was like, okay, like I, whatever, I'll go to the store later to get it. And he was like great, do you think you could go today? I need a couple other things. And I was like, yeah, of course, of course. And something stopped me because I realized that I had created this culture of, we call it the stop and drop, you know, the one where like somebody needs something and you're like, let me do it right away.
Cara Harvey (22:18):
Or somebody at work's like, can you do this? And you're like, oh, of course. Or you're like, can you run to the store? And you're like, sure thing. And I realized what I was doing was being disrespectful to my own boundaries. And the schedule that Cara on Sunday created for the week. Like when I make that plan that I talked about, I do the same process. I'm intentional about it. I know what I want to do. And I actually never recommend that people put anything in their schedule for today. Like if something pops into your email today, it can be done tomorrow, unless it's like a true, true emergency. But we think it can't because we want to please everybody because we want to be seen as worthy. And so I realized I had created this culture. And so I thought, how can we fix this?
Cara Harvey (22:52):
And I started instituting what I call thought catcher time. So this is something I plan twice a week in my schedule to be proactive. It's literally an hour, twice a week of nothing. I don't plan anything for it. I use a highlighter and I box it out on my calendar and it is empty at the start of the week because what I know is going to happen is that my kid's going to run out of deodorant or I'm going to be in the shower and remember somebody I'm supposed to call or a work project is going to come in my head and I'm going to want to do it, right? We know that we are going to come up with these things. Like nobody remembers everything, but we don't plan for it. So then when emergencies happen, when all of a sudden you're like, oh, I have to make this phone call and it takes an hour instead of 20 minutes. When you get thrown off, we don't know how to like adjust and pivot our schedule and we get frustrated and then our goals are the first things that come off. So why not? Instead of being reactive, like, oh, I've got to figure it out, we be proactive and we schedule out blank, white space in your calendar. So halfway through the week, this is where I intentionally go and run any errands that I forgot and I make any phone calls that I forgot. Because even though I go to the grocery store on the weekend, I'm sure I'm going to forget something. So I drop my kids off at school at nine, I go right to Target, I run my errands and then I sit in the car and I make whatever phone calls popped up for me.
Cara Harvey (24:02):
I do it every Wednesday and listen, if I have a week where I don't need to go get anything, then I go get a coffee. I don't know. I read a book. I do whatever I feel like for that hour, it's my time. And so on the side of my planner, I keep a list called thought catcher. And this is all the random, tiny things that come up that I know I'm going to forget. It's interesting because it's like, it's so predictable, but it's also uncertain. We know that we're going to forget things, but we just don't know what it is. And we don't know when it's going to happen. So plan for it. Plan to be forgetful. Plan to not have it all together. Plan for things to go wrong. And now you've given yourself grace and space, intentionally, for it to happen.
Cara Harvey (24:36):
So Fridays, I call that like an admin day. These are like little things, like one hour on Fridays I don't plan anything except for all those tiny things I forgot to do for work. Or maybe if you've got like paperwork to fill out for the kids, whatever it is, right? And that's when I do it, instead of let me stop right now, I'll do it, and then you throw your whole day off. And by doing this, you can create a proactive culture, not only for you and your schedule, but for your kids, because they'll say to you, 'hey, I need this,' and you can say great on Wednesdays, that's when I go to the store, and then they get used to it, right? And then you can just tell them to go tell Alexa to put it on the shopping list and then on Wednesdays, you know what you're doing.
Cara Harvey (25:08):
And it's the culture you create that is not this reactive, like scattered type of culture, but instead a proactive, I respect the boundaries and time and the schedule and the plan I made for myself. I know it's going to get thrown off. That, that's the crazy thing when people are like, that's the number one thing I hear from moms when I did interviews last year, really trying to find their, their core problem. And it was my week gets thrown off by something. My morning gets thrown off and I just don't know how to get back on track. So when we instituted this, they saw such a drastic change because they were like I know when I'm going to get back on track, it's not this like ambiguous like I've got to figure out, find extra time to get back on track, just plan to get off track and now you've got the time planned out.
Josephine Atluri (25:49):
So much yes to this, Cara.
Josephine Atluri (25:55):
And totally instituting this today. I love it so much, I cannot tell you. It's true and you're right. I love the piece about sort of instituting this mindset and this culture, not just for yourself, but for your family, because they're the ones who often need things and you're just modeling how to attack that sort of thing. And it's, you know, whether or not you're just outright talking about it, it sticks in their mind. They're like, okay, well, this is how mom handles this and so this is how she's able to, to do all that stuff and still meet my needs and I'm able to help out in that manner. So totally doing this. I love it so much. I'd love to ask you just a couple more things before we, although I could speak to you forever because I feel like I'm learning so much from you. How do you deal with mom guilt? Because, you know, we have all of these things that you're able to help moms out with and to, you know, just totally change how they approach their systems and everything. But inevitably, guilt will creep in when, you know, you just, we're just trying to do it all for our kiddos, right? And also trying to do stuff for ourselves. So how do you manage that feeling for your clients?
Cara Harvey (27:18):
It's so hard. I think the first is let's recognize, like we all get it. Like there will be a time in my day today that I will feel some sort of mom guilt. It's normal. Like we're all there. Even if we look like we have it together or not. And so I think it's one is like, let's acknowledge it's real, but let's also realize that it's not always like based in truth. And I think there's, there's two different ways that we could approach this. The one is that intentionality in the planning. And that's why I like to talk to moms about like intentional planning, because then you can say, all right, I know I want to work on this goal. I want to work on this project. But I also like am mom and I want to be with my kid. Like, I know what's coming.
Cara Harvey (27:57):
I can plan out one-on-one time with my kid. So my kid was home last week because one of the teachers had COVID, right? And so I was like, well, mommy has to work, but beforehand let's spend 30 minutes and we like built blocks and like did things like that and I like filled his little cup up, right? So then when it was time later for me to work, I don't feel guilty about the fact that I'm not on top of him all the time, because I was already proactive. I knew that I was going to have to take some time where I'm in front of my computer or my phone or working or whatever it is. So I'm intentional about when I am spending time with my kids. And so I think if you're working on a project, you're working from home, I think it's very challenging right now because all the lines are kind of blurred together if your kids are home, I think it's having that intentional one-on-one time with them, especially on days, you know, that are like heavier for work, because then you can say, listen, and this is just, I, my kids are, like I said, they're three, five and 14. This is how I talk to my little ones. And I'll say like, all right, we're going to get mommy time in now. I have to go and get some work done so that I can help other mommies. Now we have our time now, as soon as I'm done, we're going to go and read some books together and then I tell them what's coming next. But for now, what I really need for you guys to do is stay in this room and like play with your blocks (or whatever they're playing with) or watch their show or however they're doing it.
Cara Harvey (29:08):
And I don't feel guilty because I've already book-ended my time with my kids. I don't feel guilty because I've laid my expectations out for them. And I don't feel guilty because I understand my purpose and why I'm doing it. It's like the same way I feel about my chores. I have a sink full of dishes right now. I don't feel guilty about that. Because I have time planned out at four o'clock every single day. I pick my kids up from school at 3:30, when they're having snack, that's when I load the dishes that have piled up for the day. I don't care what they look like for the rest of the day because this is when I'm working. And because I have like kind of future cast that because I've been intentional because I know that I have time it later, I'm not going to feel guilty right now that the dishes are sitting out one bit. At all.
Cara Harvey (29:46):
And I think that's the intentional piece. When you're able to vision task. When you're able to say, this is what's happening, this is why it's happening, this is where I'm going. Well then, you're able to combat that. So that's one proactive strategy. Let's go back to that example, let's talk about like a reactive strategy for when you're dealing with mom guilt. So what's happening, right? I think when it happens, it's these limiting beliefs, they are kind of like habits that happen in our brain. They're unconscious. We don't know that they're even happening. And so I think one of the most important things to do is acknowledge what is happening, why it's happening, before we try to quote, fix it. So I would actually recommend, you can get a piece of paper and I would say like, fold it in thirds. And in the middle, every time you have some sort of feeling, that's like a mom guilt feeling, like I should be playing with my kids.
Cara Harvey (30:34):
We have this phrase actually in the purpose-driven mom club where it is stop 'shoulding' on yourself because a should is actually like a limiting belief that's been implanted in you that you think you're supposed to be doing something. So when we hear people saying should, we're like stop 'shoulding' on yourself. What do you truly want? So say you have these things where you're like, I should do this and I should be playing with them. Or I feel guilty. I want you to write them down. This is going to do a couple of things. One is it's going to, I love data, so it's going to give you some really great data. Like what are the common limiting beliefs, negative thought patterns, guilty statements that you're saying. One, so we'll have the data so then we can make a plan afterwards. But two, this is going to become a pattern interrupt.
Cara Harvey (31:09):
And what I think is really important when you're trying to break any sort of habit is recognize you're doing it. So if you have to stop and write it down, you're going to like, whoa, did I really think that? It's going to stop you. And until you start creating pattern interrupts around negative or bad habits, they're never going to stop. So now you're creating a pattern interrupt. So say you take three days and you do this type of inventory. There's a couple other pieces of data that you can collect that I think would be helpful. One would be, we call like the antecedent. What happens right before? So I should be playing with my kids. What's happening right before I think of this? Well, I got a phone call from somebody from work that took 20 minutes when I wasn't supposed to be working.
Cara Harvey (31:44):
Okay. So we know what's triggering it. And again, this is going to be data to craft a plan. And then the other thing is frequency. How often are you thinking these? When you have this data, you collect it for like three to five days, you can then go to the drawing board and say, I'd like to make a plan around these statements. So this is why I'm feeling this way, and this is like a whole other topic so I won't go too detailed into making the plan, but when you have the data, you can make goals around it. I only want to have say I have 10 negative thoughts of mom guilt today. I want to aim to have seven or less so you can make a plan around it. And then you keep tracking. You create those pattern interrupts, you realize you're doing it. It becomes conscious and you make that choice. Whether you're going to sit in it, whether you're going to live in it, whether it's going to become your identity or you make a choice to do something different. And so those are two kinds of like proactive and reactive strategies, depending on where you're coming from.
Josephine Atluri (32:33):
Love, love, love. Yes. Yes. I, you know, so I, you know, we've talked before and I'm mindfulness meditation. So everything that you talked about in terms of pausing and recognizing and really infusing awareness into what your patterns are, what you're doing, what you're saying to yourself and realizing what is happening. Because like you said, with things like limiting beliefs and expectations and all these shifts, a lot of it over time just becomes just innate and we don't even realize it's happening. So stopping, pausing your day, even just for a couple minutes to really realize where's this coming from, and then challenging, it becomes a practice. You do have to practice it to be able to do it. And it takes time. But over time you're able to then challenge those thoughts, those things that you're doing and, and come up with a better plan. So thank you so much for bringing that up. I really love it. I could, like I said, I could speak to you forever, but I will have to end it. Uh, I'd love for you to share - I always ask my guests to share one gratitude for today so I'd love to hear yours.
Cara Harvey (33:43):
Oh yeah. So my gratitude is I'm actually going to say my team. So when I started my business, I was a solopreneur. And last year in 2020, my business did well and we hired some people and I've been really grateful for them in particular right now, because I've just started writing a book and I have the time and the space to write the book. And if this was my business two years ago, I wouldn't have had that space. And so I feel like every time I sit down at the computer to start writing, I just feel so thankful for the work they do to support our mission so that I can write this book and get it out there and impact more moms.
Josephine Atluri (34:18):
Amazing. I can't wait to read that. And speaking of books, I actually have mine coming out in July. It's a mindful parent mindfulness parenting journal and in the back in the resources I listed your podcast as a must check out because I just love it so much and it's so helpful to other parents. So in that spirit of giving and receiving, I'd love for you to share how our listeners can connect more with you.
Cara Harvey (34:44):
I would love to connect. If you listen today, come find me on Instagram I'm @apurposedrivenmom, DM me, let me know you listened. I would love to chat with you. It's me in the DMs like I'll voice message you back and we can hang out for a bit. And if you want more help with figuring out how to find time for your goals, I've got a free workshop. It's at a purposedrivenmom.com/goals, and you can get help on how to break those things down.
Josephine Atluri (35:07):
Well thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it, Cara. It's been so wonderful talking to you. You gave us so much actionable tips and I know it'll help a lot of our listeners out. So thank you again.
Cara Harvey (35:18):
Thank you for having me.
Josephine Atluri (35:21):
Thank you for listening to today's episode of the Responding to Life podcast. For more info on today's guest, check out the episode summary. I'd love to connect with you more. So be sure to check out my website, respondingtolifepodcast.com for links to previous episodes, articles I've written and interviews I've done on mindfulness, meditation, infertility and parenting. You'll also find free video meditations on my site and on my YouTube channel, Josephine Atluri Meditation. If you'd like to book a one-on-one session with me, you can do so on the website. You can also follow me on Instagram @JosephineRAtluri for daily inspiration and mindfulness tips. Finally, I'd love for you to join my Facebook group, to connect with a supportive community and receive greater insight on how to incorporate mindfulness into your life. Check out the Mindful Parenting Group with Josephine Atluri or the Empowering your Fertility group. Thanks again for tuning in today. I look forward to sharing more conversations with you on how to respond to life in a more mindful way.