RTL Episode 51: Faith, Hope & Diversity in Fertility with Krystle Chavez
RTL Episode 51: Faith, Hope & Diversity in Fertility with Krystle Chavez
On today’s episode, I am joined by Krystle Chavez. Krystle is an infertility advocate and warrior currently in the midst of her path to parenthood.
Krystle’s quote says it all: “I wanted to take control of my narrative, share my truth, break the stigma around infertility and encourage others it’s okay to do the same.”
In today’s episode, we discuss:
Race and infertility
Faith's role in Krystle's journey
Hope and staying connected and grounded
To connect with Krystle on IG @krystledchavez
YouTube: Letters to Baby Chavez
MyVitro discount code: Krystle
Pique Tea discount code: Krystle
Episode 51 Transcript
Josephine:
Welcome to responding to life, a podcast where we talk about issues relating to health, fertility, and Parenthood. On today's episode, I'm joined by Krystle Chavez. Krystle is an infertility advocate and warrior currently in the midst of her path to Parenthood, Krystle's quote says it all. "I wanted to take control of my narrative, share my truth, break the stigma around infertility and encourage others, it's okay to do the same." In today's episode, we discussed many things, but in particular, we talk about race and fertility, as well as one's faith in relation to their fertility journey. Welcome to the show Kryslle. I'm so excited to speak with you today about so many things. And, um, thank you for being here.
Krystle:
Of course, Joe, thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be on and sharing my truth and a little bit of my journey. So thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here.
Josephine:
My pleasure. So I think the best way for us to begin is to hear about your fertility journey so far.
Krystle:
Okay. Before we got married, um, we actually both talked about wanting to start a family. So, um, I'm a planner by nature. So I decided that it would be in both of our best interests to get tested, to ensure that everything was working in our favor. And we were both healthy and able to conceive. Um, my husband did plenty of blood work and test. He did semen analysis for motility, sperm, density, pH measures, and everything came out normal for him, which was great. I also had a ton of testing done. I have always suffered with irregular periods since the age of 16. So I went, we went in a year and a half before and, um, after countless ultrasounds for me, blood work and an HSG, um, my OB at the time diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, which is also known as a hydrosalpinx
Um, at that point he actually referred us to an RE to get assistance with trying to conceive. So back in 2017, um, we met with our RE and he suggested that in order to kickstart our fertility journey, he suggested we do a minimally invasive surgery to have my right fallopian tube nipped. And that was because he wanted to avoid any harmful outcomes such as eruption of the hydrosalpinx, which also causes internal bleeding damage to other organs as well as a possible ectopic pregnancy in the future. So we agreed and we decided to proceed with the first surgery. And then after that, we actually tried naturally to conceive for two years, um, with the assistance of Clomid and we were unsuccessful in trying to get pregnant naturally. So in 2019, um, I started experiencing abdominal pains where my right fallopian tube was. And, um, they did an ultrasound as well as a CT scan and it showed that the right fallopian tube filled back up of fluid again, but this time around, it was three times the size, um, prior to me having my first surgery. So that was tough. Um, Our RE suggested at that point to have the fallopian tube completely surgically removed. So then we proceeded to surgery number two. Um, and then after we had the fallopian tube removed, we did a total of three IUI, including a double IUI and they were all unsuccessful. So this month, um, at the end of this month, we are actually starting our IVF protocol in the next couple of weeks. So I'm just trying to remain optimistically hopeful about it, but that's a little bit about our backstory.
Josephine:
Thank you so much for sharing all of that Krystle. I mean, that was. It just shows how long the process can be of having to jump through all the different, all the different steps in order to, you know, um, see where you need to proceed and all that. And it is just, um, such a long and sort of frustrating process. But I love, what I love about you is that you have, despite all of the challenges you have this great energy and, and hopefulness about everything that just exudes from. I mean, we know each other through social media, but, um, it just exudes off your page and it's so inspiring. And that's why I was so drawn to you. But also that's why I just had to have you on the show just so that we can hear your story, but also hear how you approach all of the challenges that you have, um, that you've faced over this time. And so one thing that we often talk about in the infertility community is this idea of advocacy. I love to find out from you, how you and your husband go about advocating for yourself during all of those moments that you talked about, where, you know, you had to evaluate if it was one thing. And after you find out for like the results of something like your next steps, but how in that process do you go about advocating for yourself?
Krystle:
Yeah, this is a great question. And I think it's super imperative that we do touch on this because it took me a long time, um, through my journey because obviously I'm not versed. I'm not a doctor, I'm not an OB. Um, there's a lot of learning that goes behind fertility challenges. And I really well, we, my husband and I really made it a point to learn how to speak up for ourselves, especially when it came to understanding medical terminology, protocols, procedures, and really, we really had to stop feeling bad about asking the pressing questions over and over to ensure we both understood. So it starts with, you know, speaking up and just using my voice and his voice. Um, until we finally come to an understanding that we're not inconveniencing, you know, the medical professionals, the staff, the nurses, by asking these questions or sending the second or third email until we get a response, but more so learning that we have the right as patients to ask as many questions as we want, because it's my health, it's our health.
And we are the patients at the end of the day. So, um, you know, communication is, is a huge, huge piece for me, um, in, in feeling like I'm being valued and not just another number. Right. So luckily enough, we've had great communication with our staff. Um, and I just think that it it's really, um, cause I know I hear a lot of women saying that, you know, it, it feels like, um, they're always trying to rush me out of the process and it's just kind of like cattle call and I made it a point to, to slow it down a bit, you know, for my own sanity. And like, like I said, just really pausing and asking the pressing questions that need to be asked until I am fully confident in being able to, you know, understand what I just consumed, you know, in the last visit with my REs. So, um, yeah, that's kind of what we do to advocate
Josephine:
That's I love that. Yeah. It reminded me of something, an RE that I had on a few months back and she all for people and her, her patients asking a ton of questions and she just, you know, in joking, she said, if you haven't annoyed yourself with the amount of questions that you've asked and you haven't asked enough questions,
It's always stuck with me because I was in the same boat as you were in the beginning. I didn't feel like I could ask these questions. And frankly, when you don't really know what your situation is and your diagnosis is unfamiliar to you, you don't really know the questions to ask them unless you've gone through like one cycle through. And then, then after the fact then, you know, like, okay, to make sure to ask this and that, which is why I think this community is so helpful because they bring up so many things that I would have never have known, could be a possibility, you know? Absolutely. Um, and then one thing that you brought up that I'd love to ask about further is this, so you mentioned that communication is key for you in this relationship with your medical team, but I'm curious to hear what other things you need in place to help you feel supported and safe in this process.
Krystle:
Yeah. So, um, communication is key. Um, and I, I will say this because when we went through our, our last three rounds of IUI, I felt like the first round was great. Our RE, my nurse was extremely like overly communicative. She would get back to me. He would get back to me with questions, emails, correspondences was just, you know, on the daily, just great. Um, after the second round, and then after the final round of the double IUI, um, it was just lacking. So phone calls were never being returned. Emails took a bit longer and it just felt like one word answers from them towards the end. Um, and so I have brought it up to, you know, their concern. I brought it up saying that, you know, I was concerned about the lack of communication that was kind of following through. And they were just like, you know, we're just extremely busy.
We don't have a lot of the time to really sit down and, and, and kind of, you know, explain it all over again. But I mean, each time I UI rounds failed, like I needed to know what we could be doing different in order to get the best care. And when all three rounds of, you know, these IUI is, were just the same doses, the same protocols, I was just like, this is crazy. This is crazy. You know? So at that point, um, we knew, uh, after discussing it between my husband and I, that it was time to move on to, you know, a possible other clinic, because for us, we weren't tied to anybody because we didn't have, we're paying out of pocket for everything. So I told them at the beginning, when I first interviewed them, you know, to go under this doctor's care, that communication is on the top of my priority list.
And that can't be, you know, lessened by anything. And for me, it wasn't like an option of like, okay. I mean, we gave him a second chance right after the second one failed. And even after the third round, like, he was just like, well, you know, let's just go, let's keep going. Like he kept wanting to do the same thing he wanted to do all fourth IUI. And at that point I was just like, you're not hearing me, you stop listening. So we had to do what was best for us, which was just find a new RE
Josephine:
Mm. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad that you, that you said that upfront and then you stuck to your guns. And, um, it's really key to, to know what it is that you need to feel safe, supported, and like your team is actually listening to you and then knowing when to just move on, which is really tough because you feel like you have to start over when you go to a new place and then it just it's. So time sensitive to begin with that, moving to a new place and starting from square one can feel like you're taking a couple steps back when in actuality you are taking a few steps forward. So it's always good to remember that one thing that I wanted to, I wanted to talk with you specifically about was the idea of the Asian perspective, or just being a woman of color going through fertility challenges, uh, both you and I are Filipino. And, you know, one thing that has been, you brought up so well in your social media is this idea of infertility and how it does not discriminate. And just shining a light on the many voices that are within the fertility community that don't necessarily, um, get brought forward, which makes it hard for people who are a various backgrounds to feel like they are represented and to feel less alone. And so I'd love for you to just talk about how the role of ethnicity and your heritage has played in your own fertility story.
Krystle:
Yeah. I love this. Um, so, you know, as an Asian American woman, just like you said, I am Filipino and I did grow up in a very traditional Filipino family. I was actually born in the Philippines for many people who don't know. Um, I came here, um, when I was one, I was one years old. I with my mom, my single mom, and we lived in a home, or it was my grandpa, my grandma and my mom. Um, and I was taught at a very young age, you know, to respect your elders, do not seek out a line don't argue and just really hone in on the importance of blending in, um, and you know, to be Frank Jo, like I did, I grew up and I've dealt with my fair share of racism and prejudice, you know, but the importance of understanding racism is important for both sides of the coin.
Okay. For those who it affects to those who probably won't ever have to go through anything like this, but for Asians, most of it stems from the model minority myth, which is based on stereotypes. So it perpetuates this narrative in which Asian Americans are incredibly smart, the myth characterizing Asian Americans as polite law abiding or law abiding groups, which have, you know, achieved a higher level of success and , I mean, versus like the general population, which entails Asians don't need assistance from other communities. And some people still argue to this day, the harm behind that myth, but I can tell you from personal experiences, it is very harmful to our culture. So basically the model minority myth, like all stereotypes erases the differences among those individuals and the model minority myth also erases racism against Asian Americans as a whole. So circling back to your question about how my heritage plays a role in my fertility journey, publicizing my journey goes against everything.
I was taught as a child to not advocate, to not draw attention to myself and to definitely not speak up about my downfalls. And, you know, as a woman, not even just an Asian-American woman, as a woman suffering with infertility, that was also very isolating and detrimental to my mental health, right? When we suffered in silence before I, before last year before I publicized it. So I was just really sick and tired of being, you know, stereotyped. And I was tired of being hushed and silenced and gas lit. And I really wanted to take advantage and share my truth, take control of my own narrative and empower others that it's okay to do the same. So,
Josephine:
So many things I want to touch upon, but it totally resonates with me that all of the things that you felt, uh, being an Asian-American female about our ability or actually, or our preference of our community to not have a speak up about all of our challenges, all of the things that we're going through, especially when it comes to, to procreation and just things that are meant to be personal. And then all of the ideas of what in particular, the Asian American community looks like to other people and what those biases are for us. And then how we have to sort of overcome those challenges in our day-to-day lives. Um, that idea of not needing to needing support that idea of not speaking up and just being polite to everyone, all of these things have always been in the back of my mind then have actually, without, at least in the beginning, without really realizing it, you know, you have all of these, um, things that you grow up with that affect you and then affect your decisions and how you go about life, having that in the back of your mind.
And then finally, as you get older, realizing it, and then coming to terms with it, but then after that, deciding what you're going to do about it and how you're going to challenge it. And that's hard on its own, right? It's harder to do it when you're in the throws of trying to have a child and go through all of this. So one thing that, you know, a fellow advocate of ours, Marilyn mentioned when she was talking about her own experience as a, as a Latina, um, in the fertility community, was that it was just that same idea with, uh, you know, not speaking about it and that sort of thing, but then also has how she would look at brochures as she's going through the fertility process and not feeling represented and that further isolating her. Um, yeah. So I'm just so thankful for you for shining a light on the topic and always bringing it up. And even when people feel uncomfortable about it and not wanting to recognize that it is an issue, it is. And so thank you for providing, you know, first of all, amplifying this whole topic and this whole issue, but also being the voice for people who don't necessarily feel like they can voice it yet.
Krystle:
Yeah, absolutely. It's like I said, it's imperative, you know, because I just think of the future generations to come and we've already come a long way. I mean, with the generation now, I mean, we are using our platforms, social media, where we're marching and we're doing things that are, that even our grandparents who are getting assaulted on the streets still can't do. Right. So I see a little shift in our society, but we have to continue that, you know, we have to continue that conversation, that movement for all cultures that are being affected by racism. Um, so yeah, it's ongoing work and it's, it's pressing, especially mixing that in with infertility, but, um, I've always said, you know, this isn't ever going to get better with people just kind of watching it happen and not putting any emphasis on change to take place. So as long as I'm here, I'm going to continue to try to amplify, diversify and do the work, you know, work with my local city council men, um, continue to go to the protest, marches and just continuously continue the conversation because the work there's so much work that needs to be done.
Josephine:
Thank you so much, Krystal. Another, not to, I mean, we can talk about this forever. Another thing that I wanted to talk with you about is the idea of religion. So infertility on its own, as we've discussed is very taboo, especially within certain cultures, but the idea of religion thrown into the mix of fertility and trying to pursue a child through science is also another, um, considered another taboo topic within many religions. And you have also been very, I love this very vocal about how faith has played a role within your journey. So I'd love for you to talk about how you were able to constantly consistently just weave your faith into your path, especially when things don't go the way you had planned.
Krystle:
Sure. It gets hard. It gets hard. Sometimes I'm not going to lie. I mean, sometimes I question if God hears me or if he sees me and the work that I do as a Christian woman, right. And why our path to parenthood is so incredibly hard for us. I've had those long cries with God. I believe that God has used the agony of infertility to grow and shape me and my faith in ways that I could have never chosen or never imagined. And after years, this is four years for us of trying to build our family. I truly believe in all of his messages in the Bible and in his way that this is his way. And it's, it's completely in his timing, not my own. And when I finally understood that, because it took years, it took years for me to finally reckon in the words of the Bible.
And I have to come to the hard one place of saying, honestly, I just, I need to surrender it all to him. And that's the thing with faith. You can't always see it, you know, but you can feel it. And I do feel it in my heart, I feel, and I remind myself of the lessons that I've learned in the Bible, like the stories of Hannah and how his promises are still so true. And no matter what obstacle we may be facing, he is still so good. And I know that in my heart of hearts, that his glory and his power will prevail. And I feel as if though, you know, this is, this is not over for us. Like we're scratching the surface and we're jumping through the hurdles and we're, you know, testing our faith daily with every failed protocol, every failed, you know, negative test. I mean, I think that this is just his way of showing us that he is still going to, he's still in control. And regardless of what that looks like, he gives me, he gives me faith, knowing that I can just keep going, I'll trust the process and just keep going. So that's kind of what I've done to kind of, you know, weave my way through faith and fertility. And I mean, I'm not going to lie. It's, it's daunting and it's hard at times, but that's kind of the only thing I have left is hope.
Josephine:
That's beautiful. I love the way you put it. I was actually just thinking about this as I was driving the other day. Um, I don't know how it popped up in my head, but anyway, I was thinking about it with regards to, um, a pregnancy loss that I had because I constantly get asked that question, like, how do you keep up hope even during the, like the toughest of times and what came to mind as I was thinking about this on a long drive was that if I didn't have that, there'd be nothing to like, keep me sort of buoyed to, to life. You know, I would just, that would be it. So even during the bleakness of days, I have to like, that's what, it's hard to really put into words, but it's, but when you're talking, that's what came to mind? Just that idea of like, just there is no really other choices other than having the hope, because then you'd be, I feel like you'd be lost. Um, but thank you for sharing that perspective of yours and how you're able to continue to weave your faith into your process. And that actually leads me to another question about how you stay connected to the person that you are outside of your journey to Parenthood.
Krystle:
Yeah. So this, you know, I, I really try my best to practice grounded, positive thinking. Um, and this too has taken me years to master and I'm still working at it daily, but I think that the first step towards positive mental thinking is deciding that it's more than just positive mental thinking. It's, it's a way of life or it's a way of my life. So what I like to do is I like to train the body. Like I like to train my mind. So that means doing physical exercise, meditations, prayers, yoga, my Peloton, just anything that strengthens my overall body and helps me feel better. Um, I also set time aside every morning. Um, it doesn't have to be long anywhere from five to 30 minutes a day for prayer and meditation, this just helps me feel more grounded. And it kinda gives me this, this feeling of being able and being capable of tackling anything throughout my day.
So, you know, whether it's planting my feet on the grass and just taking in breaths of fresh air, thinking of nothing besides positive affirmations before I start my day. And I've learned a lot of these techniques through your meditation show, like, I, I really, you know, before I met you, I honestly never knew about meditation like I do. But once I started, um, diving into your practices last year, I believe I haven't looked back. Like I incorporate them daily. So they, for me have been a huge game changer for my wellbeing. So I really wanted to shout you out and thank you for that because they really have changed my overall wellbeing.
Josephine:
Oh, that makes me so happy. I'm a huge smile on my face. And I love that you bring that up just because, you know, you're a woman of faith and, and oftentimes, um, people who are on the fence about meditation feel like they might be ascribing to another sort of like divine being. But the, what I like to bring up is that meditation is, you know, it's in, regardless of whatever religion you practice in, it actually in fact helps you, you know, with prayer, being your conversation with God, meditation gives you that ability to listen better to God. Um, because you're being aware, that's, that's all that meditation is it's this practice of being mindfully aware and present. And so that way you can pick up on whether it's what God is trying to say to you or what your RE is trying to say. It just gives you that awareness. And, uh, I love that you brought up this whole idea of deciding that you want to be this grounded whole person, and then having all of your habits sort of be supportive of that vision of yourself. Have you read this book, Atomic Challenges? I'm currently reading it. And that's why I so dig what you're saying, because it's totally what the book is about
As I've been like telling everyone who will listen to me about this book. Because it's exactly what you said. So instead of just deciding, okay, I'm going to work out or I'm going to pray, I'm going to meditate. And then you just do it because you know that you need to do it, you know, that it will make you better. Like it'll make your life more fully filled and nourished and well, um, but you know, things, once you add it, it's hard to add it, first of all, but then it can just drop off. Um, but in the book it says that you first really should decide who you want to be. Like, what kind of person do you want to be? And so for you, you decided you wanted to be this grounded person. And that in turn will decide like what things you need to incorporate into your life. And that's what makes it a change in your life that will be sustained , because it's all leading to this goal versus just like, Oh, I just need to lose five pounds, you know, because it will make me healthy, but here you're saying, no, I want to be this totally well rounded, healthy person. And so these are all the things that will contribute to that idea of who I believe myself to be or want to be.
Krystle:
Right. Yeah. I want it to be a way of life. Like, I don't want this to be a fad, you know, the first week I did your meditations, I absolutely loved that feeling of wholesomeness that I felt. And so I was like, what can I do to incorporate this daily? And it was my husband. He was like, instead of thinking that, or instead of just putting this down as like a reminder calendar thing, like make this your way of life. And I'm like, huh, okay. Like a light bulb went off and I was like, yeah, you're right. You know, and it's, it's about finding that and discovering that. And it's amazing once you do. So
Josephine:
I love that you do that. And I love that partners will just say things and be like, Oh yeah, that makes sense.
Krystle:
Exactly. Yeah. That's great.
Josephine:
So I, you've already given us so many nuggets nuggets of information and so thankful for you, but I'd love for you before we wrap up to share just one more lesson learned or some sort of actionable tip that our listeners can take into consideration when they're trying to respond to life in a more mindful way.
Krystle:
For me, I think one thing that's helped me also is, is, um, learning to respond and not to react. So example, if my husband one night forgets to take out the trash, I would get really upset, really angry. You maybe start screaming at him and then it, you know, over time, I've just, we've seen that worse in our relationship, right. That doesn't bring any, any type of goodness into the relationship when yelling gets involved. So I learned how to respond to my anger, meaning like taking a pause, taking a breath, taking a moment to just reevaluate the situation. So rather than responding with anger, I talked to my husband, you know, why did you forget to take out the trash? Was it because do you have a stressful day at work? Was it that you were too busy? Was it that you just forgot? Whatever the reason is just learning how to calmly take that approach has not only been super beneficial for both of us.
Like, you know, cause were once especially going through fertility treatments. Oh my gosh. Like every little thing would set me off and he, you know, he was like, we learned it in therapy when he, when our therapist was like, you guys really have to understand like the difference. And he gave us like Webster dictionary definitions between responding versus reacting. And we practice that, you know, and it took time, but now we are much better at responding to, to even everyday life situations, more mindfully. So I think that's what it's been for me, learning how to respond, react.
Josephine:
I love that. I love that you put it into practice, you know, it's, um, it shows that it is possible. It just takes a little bit of practice. It takes a little bit of time and awareness of what's happening in the moment, such that you can have put yourself in that moment of pause so that you can achieve that, that clarity, and then come from that more mindful place. So I'm glad that it's working between you and your husband. That's amazing. And I always ask my, um, my guests to share one gratitude just to shift into a state of positivity. So I'd love to hear your gratitude for today, Krystal.
Krystle:
Sure. My gratitude for the day would be self-love making time for the things I enjoy. You know, reading, face masks, my teas, meditation, prayer. Um, especially one-on-one time with my husband and just being outdoors, enjoying nature and learning how to slow down and indulge in that things that set my soul on fire. I don't do that enough. I think so self care for me is the best thing I can do to show my self love.
Josephine:
I love that. That's wonderful. I was doing that. I was on a long drive yesterday. I did that, but I, um, I was driving. So I put those, you know, there's a little under eye patches, under my eyes with my sunglasses on, so I don't scare the other drivers
That's not slowing down, but I had to squeeze in self care.
Krystle:
Yes, I think any way we can, we live in a fast paced world, so I get it.
Josephine:
So in the spirit of giving and receiving cause, I'd love for you to share how the, uh, the listeners could connect with you.
Krystle:
Yeah. So I have, you can find me on Instagram. My personal handle is my name, just @KrystalDChavez. We also have, um, our new Instagram account that we're launching, um, that is found at @thebrazenwarriors. And then we all, my husband and I have a YouTube channel, which is letters to baby Travis.
Josephine:
Beautiful. We'll definitely check it out because you'll be so inspired by Krystal's page and all of the information that she shares on there and her experiences. It's just such a blessing. So thank you again, Krystal for joining me on today's show and being so candid and vulnerable with your journey.
Krystle:
Of course, I love what you do, Jo. Seriously, if I can take a page out of your book, I've succeeded because you are amazing. You're such a light in this community and I am so, so happy and blessed that our paths cross, because we just need more women like you. You're amazing. And you support everyone.
Josephine:
Awwe, Thanks. Same to you. I'm so thrilled that we found each other.
Krystle:
Me too,
Josephine:
So crazy how you find people on there. Thanks so much Krystal.
Krystle:
Thanks Jo. Have a great weekend.
Josephine:
Thank you for listening to today's episode of the responding to life podcast. For more info on today's guest, check out the episode summary. I'd love to connect with you more. So be sure to check out my website, responding to life podcast.com for links to previous episodes, articles I've written and interviews I've done on mindfulness, meditation and fertility and parenting. You'll also find free video meditations on my site and on my YouTube channel, Josephine Atluri meditation. If you'd like to book a one-on-one session with me, you can do so on the website. You can also follow me on Instagram @josephineratluri for daily inspiration and mindfulness tips. Finally, I'd love for you to join my Facebook groups, to connect with a supportive community and receive greater insight on how to incorporate mindfulness into your life. Check out the mindful parenting group with Josephine Atluri or the empowering your fertility group. Thanks again for tuning in today. I look forward to sharing more conversations with you on how to respond to life in a more mindful way.