RTL Episode 50: Navigating Fertility Decisions with Marilyn Gomez
RTL Episode 50: Navigating Fertility Decisions with Marilyn Gomez
On today’s fertility episode, I am joined by Marilyn Gomez. Marilyn is a gritty, empath and Latina, who got her reiki certification to help her heal through trauma of infertility. She had her daughter in 2016, from her 3rd IVF transfer. In 2019, she attempted to expand her family with transferring the last 2 of her frozen embryos. That transfer failed so she closed her chapter of expanding her family to focus on healing and embracing and normalizing having one child, in a society that asks for one more. Marilyn is an advocate with Resolve and Mom Congress focusing on Infertility coverage and maternal mental health. She owns an online store Infertile Tees, statement tees for your infertility journey, to encourage women to talk about their story and feel less alone. She hosts a podcast: Mama Vida Podcast and interviews women and covers all topics related to womanhood, purpose, and life.
In this episode, Marilyn and I discuss:
Healing from the trauma of trying to conceive
Process of evaluating one’s path to parenthood
Maternal mental health
Race and infertility
To connect with Marilyn on Instagram, go to: @marilynbgomez, @Infertiletees, @mamavidapodcast
Episode 50 Transcript
Josephine Atluri:
Welcome to responding to life. A podcast where we talk about issues relating to health, fertility, and Parenthood. On today's fertility episode, I am joined by Marilyn Gomez. Marilyn is a gritty empath and Latina who got her Reiki certification to help her heal through trauma of infertility. She had her daughter in 2016 from her third IVF transfer. In 2019 she attempted to expand her family with transferring the last two of her frozen embryos that transfer failed. So she closed her chapter of expanding her family to focus on healing and embracing and normalizing having one child in a society that asks for one more. Marilyn is an advocate with resolve and mom Congress focusing on infertility coverage and maternal mental health. She owns an online store Infertile Tees statement tees for your infertility journey to encourage women to talk about their story and feel less alone. She hosts a podcast, Mama Vida podcast, and interviews women, and covers all topics related to womanhood, purpose and life.
Welcome to the show, Marilyn. I've been so excited to have you on and, you know, speak to you because we swim in the same circles, but haven't really had a chance to talk. So welcome.
Marilyn Gomez:
Thank you so much. I'm excited to connect with you.
Josephine Atluri:
Yeah. So let's dive right in. I wanted to start with your personal path to Parenthood before we explore other topics, because everyone comes into Parenthood in such different ways and have varied experiences that I always like to highlight everyone's personal journey because it may resonate with someone out there listening. So let's, if you could, uh, please share with us how you came to IVF and what that process looked like for you to conceive your daughter.
Marilyn Gomez:
Okay. Wow. So I got married in 2009 and I always wanted a big family family. I am Latina, and I just was basically conditioned as a child to just, you know, grow up. You get married, you have lots of children. My parents come from very large families. However, my family, I had one sister. And so I just, every year that we would travel to South America for Christmas, I was with at least a dozen cousins every year. And so I always said to myself, when I get married, I want lots of children because I want my holidays to feel this way. And so when I got married in 2009, we started trying immediately. And you know, it's not like Hollywood Josephine where it's like, Oh, um, I'm going to get pregnant right away. And then it's like, Oh, this whole thing just happened so quickly. That was, you know, we Tried for three months before I went to the OB and my husband was like, you know, I think we should fib to the OB and I know fib. Right. And tell her and tell her that you've been, that we've been trying for a year. That way that, you know, they can get us going quickly. Cause we were doing some research and we had come across articles saying like doctors recommend for you to wait one year before you seek reproductive assistance. And so I went to the OB and I said, Hey, we've been trying for a year. There's no way that she can check. And so be like really no way she could check. And so she put me on Clomid immediately and I really thought that it was gonna work. I just was. So, you know, I was really unaware with how my body worked. Really. I think, you know, that the education system doesn't really teach us about our reproductive system. It's more like abstained abstain, like here's how to protect yourself. And so it was a shocker for me when my first round of Clomid didn't work. And then every, I mean, I did Josephine, I did six rounds of Clomid and my doctor was like, yeah, I think, um, you need to go to a reproductive endocrinologist. And I was like, Oh, okay. And, um, I went to my first R.E And you know, we did Clomid back to back. And then we did take some time off of trying, because we just were trying to wrap her head around what was going on. And we hadn't hit the point where we were so stressed out yet or desperate. And so, um, and as a type A person, I was like, okay, well here's the next thing on my list. So we went to the R.E And it was like, I think it was 2012. And they found uterine polyps. And he was like, okay, you've got uterine polyps after laparoscopy, we're going to remove them. And you know, you're young, you'll be able to get pregnant with no problem. And so when that didn't work for at least six months after my polyp removal, I was like, what the crap is happening. I just did not get it. And at that time we were getting ready to move from Orlando, Florida to Salt Lake city, Utah. And so when we landed in Salt Lake city, I found an R.E immediately. And I was like, okay, well we have been trying for a while. I've this is what I've gone through. Here's my history. He's like, okay, well let's just move to IUI. And I'm like, Oh, perfect. A catheter with a sperm.
It's gonna go right up in there. Like easy, like of course it's going to work. And I did seven IUI with no pregnancy. And um, by this time I'm like, okay, there's this is, there's not, there's something that's not right. And I felt this gut instinct that maybe the doctor I was going to wasn't necessarily the right doctor. I just, he was in a smaller town. And I'm like, okay, I want to, if we're investing so much money doing this, I want to at least like go to, maybe we need to drive into the city to do this. So I go to my third R.E And in my journey and uh, give her my history and we move right to IVF. And like many women Josephine, you might've heard this before. Um, I thought IVF was a guarantee. Like I thought it was like, I'm just paying a lot of money because it guarantees me a baby.
I just had no idea. And so I go into my first IVF, uh, with the injections, a whole thing retrieval, I did a fresh transfer. It was a whole thing. And it was a chemical pregnancy. And it was the first time I had heard of a chemical pregnancy. And it was the first time I felt like the gut punch of infertility. I was like, Oh, this is a thing. Like we've been on this journey since 2009 and fertility can affect anybody at any age. And in my mind I had painted this picture that infertility was just like for really old people that wanted to get pregnant. I just, I had, because I had my, my physicians were telling me that I was young and I had nothing to worry about. And, and I was just following their lead. We didn't have social media and a place to land where we could brainstorm with each other, share each other's stories, what we're doing and any of that.
And I, um, took a step back after that first failed IVF. I had joined Instagram and a few people were using the hashtag TTC, I started getting involved in the community. And I started to learn more about self-advocacy and asking questions instead of just blindly following your doctor's lead. And so I immediately scheduled my IVF probably two months after the first failed one. And so IVF number two, also a fresh transfer. I was able to freeze two embryos and transfer two embryos. And that one was also, well, she labeled it as a chemical pregnancy, but my, my beta was in the two hundreds and it, it gradually just started to drop. So we don't really know what happened there, but when I went to my, uh, my follow-up appointment with like, Hey, what, what happened? I came armed with, with several questions. Like, could this be, uh, could it be abnormal embryos?
Could it be that it was a fresh transfer? Our frozen embryo transfers are, are, is there a higher possibility to get pregnant with a frozen embryo transfer as the research shows that I've been doing? Um, should I be changing my diet? I had all these questions, you know, is this is this protocol, uh, for my body. And you know what my doctor said, Josephine. She was like our clinic we really believe by this protocol, this protocol and with our success rates and this protocol is what makes us stand apart in our state. And so I'm like, okay, so this protocol is like a template. It's not even catered to me my body and what it needs. And she was like, we, we, because our, our success rates are so high. We believe that it's because we have this template in place. Like this protocol is like a generic blanket protocol for everybody.
And I was like, okay. And I felt, so it was so off putting for me, I'm like, she's not even catering to what my body needs. And during that time, like I was not myself. I was anxious, super depressed. Everything was about my reproductive system and the lack of what it was supposed to do. And I just felt really less than, I mean, my relationships started to kind of not be good. My marriage was it, you know, it wasn't good. It wasn't, uh, it wasn't good. I mean, we, in the infertility community, you know how devastating loss is, and I just was not myself. And, you know, I had, uh, I remember sitting with my husband and he's like, we cannot do another IVF until you go and get therapy. And if I, if I could get in a time machine and teleport back to that moment, I would have said, why don't we go together?
And that's what I would have done different because I think, you know, for the remainder of my journey, there was a little bit of resentment on my behalf because I felt like I carried the weight of everything, but I also felt like I could do it all myself. Like I was capable of doing that. And so I, um, in the infertility community, I had a woman reach out to me. She is probably six years older than I am. You know, at the time I was in my early thirties and she said, look, I have a girlfriend that is in her mid forties. She got pregnant with this clinic that is close to the state that, that you live in, it's out of state. But I really believe that you can get pregnant there just at least do a consult, you know, phone consult with this doctor at this clinic and try it out.
I really believe that this is a place you could, you could do this at. And so I was like, okay. And I was like, I told my husband, I have a little bit more of gasoline in my tank to do this one more time, but I'm going to take some time to go to therapy first. So I went to therapy, worked on my mental health, worked on self healing. I learned about Reiki. I got certified in Reiki because I'm a control freak Josephine. I was like, okay, if I can not control infertility, but I can control, like I can control how I react, how I process information, how my body feels, how I feel about myself, my thoughts, I can control those things. So I need to heal while I do this, or I will just be a shell of a human and with the inability to continue.
And so, um, I went to therapy. My therapist started a group therapy group, uh, with five other women, we were all in the same track and hour or the same track, the same part of our infertility journey. We were matched up beautifully together. It was a beautiful experience to participate in other people's healing while being vulnerable yourself. And I remember looking at my husband and saying, I'm ready to do our third IVF. And this will be our last one. I am at a place where if this does not work, I can walk away. I can, I can live child-free we will adopt a bunch of dogs and we will just that's, that'll be our story. We'll just have to write a new story. And he was like, okay, we're good. So I called this new clinic. I made an appointment with them, did a phone consult.
The doctor was very sure in my, uh, success rate, like potential success rate. And so I got on an airplane, went to Colorado, had a one day workup. They did so much testing. And I'm like, well, this is what is missing. This is what I've been missing. The testing that this additional testing is to cater protocols to what my body needs to have a pregnancy and a healthy baby. I mean, why were the other clinics just template matching at this point? And so we did IVF number three, and I transferred two genetically normal embryos, September, 2015. And in October, I was able to see a heartbeat of one little, one little embryo that could, And then in June of 2016, I had my little girl and she's amazing. She is just a wise old soul. And I continued my healing, especially with my mind and my body, because energetically, our body absorbs so much throughout that process because you feel like a scientific experiment like this out of body experience. You're not even in your body. It was just me and this uterus that is not doing what it's supposed to do. Right. And so I had two frozen embryos for my second IVF. And in late summer of 2019, I remember looking at my daughter and I was like, okay, if we're going to expand our family, I mean, I keep getting this yearly bill of these frozen embryos, which is not cheap. Let's just, I'm just going to transfer these two embryos. I'm just going to transfer them. And if it doesn't work, then I'm, I'm done. I'm done.
And I will be okay. And if it works, wow, game changer, like big surprise. And so, you know, and, and between my daughter's birth and my embryo transfer, but we had moved to Charlotte, North Carolina. This is where I live now. And I decided to go by myself. I told my husband, I'm going to fly to Utah. I'm going to do this by myself. Because for me it felt more like a spiritual experience. I needed this for my, for my healing, like a closure, like, uh, just, uh, just an end of this year, like this decade long, like trauma. And so I flew to salt Lake city. One of my very great friends, um, took me to my transfer. Uh, I had an acupuncturist meet us there. And it was, it felt so spiritual. Like my girlfriend held my hand while they were transferring the embryos inside my uterus.
And she goes, Marilyn, whatever the outcome is, you've come. And you've picked up your kids. She's like there with you now. And, and I didn't know that I needed that. I needed that closure of just like bringing them with me whether or not they were earth side or not. And so, uh, of course, 10 days, 10 days later, I would learn that, you know, it was a chemical pregnancy and it didn't work. And my grief felt much different than the losses that I had previously. It was like, it felt like a cleanse in some sense, because I was so secure and sure and what my next chapter would be because I had that choice. And I think oftentimes in any type of trauma that we experience, we forget that we get to choose how we process, what we experience and how we process it and what we do with those feelings and emotions. And, uh, and those big moments where you feel less than we get to choose how to start healing. And so for me, it felt like a rebirth for myself as a woman, uh, becoming more secure in how she walks in her life everyday.
Josephine Atluri:
Your story I just, it's so beautiful. And so touching the way you just talk about the whole experience. Thank you so much for sharing. I know it's, you know, even though we're many years removed from our own journeys, it's still, when you talk about it still brings up, brings up so many feelings. So I appreciate your candor and vulnerability Marilyn. And I have to say just before we get into the other topics, your daughter is so beautiful, but she's a Spitfire. And I love your posts on Instagram. Whenever you talk about things that she says to you or that she does, and it's just puts a smile on my face, because she's just, she's a blessing. She's such a blessing. Um, so like everything you talk about just resonates with me being like this mindfulness and meditation coach. So I love how, you know, you have that, that shared perspective.
And so I'd love to talk about, you know, you talked about the healing of the trauma of trying to conceive, and I feel like it's often overlooked because we're in this time sensitive process and it doesn't feel like we have the time to stop and process and do the work necessary. You know, we feel like, okay, well, we cried it out a few times and we gave ourselves a little bit of time, but, you know, I know personally how deeply the effects of that trauma can lay and be you know, subversively affect us. For me it manifested into an eating disorder to regain control. Um, for you, you mentioned that in between, you know, your process, you went into Reiki. So I'd love for you to just share with us about what that involved and how maybe that helped you and what, you know, your journey into therapy, sort of how all of that came together to sort of support you and strengthen you through the process.
Marilyn Gomez:
Thank you. That's a great question. And I know that we have that commonality of like finding something that we can control. And I didn't know that Reiki was a thing, and I knew that I had knowledge of energy work and self healing, but Reiki, that modality, I felt, I felt like, okay, now there's a label to this and I can dive into this one specific thing. And I knew that I needed to forgive myself for feeling like I was judging my reproductive system. I grew up in a very religious household and, you know, it was just what you do. And so for me, I felt so rejected by the belief of how I was, um, what I was taught growing up, like, okay, so, so God doesn't see me worthy then because I am not able to reproduce. And so I, as I was learning about Reiki, I learned about limiting beliefs and how it keeps us from moving forward and personally growing.
And so any time I had this thought that would come into my head, that was negative or kept me from growing as a human. I was able to say, no, you didn't cause this it's not because God doesn't love you. It's not because you were, you know, you made a bad choice as a teen. It's not any of those things. It just is. And you don't have to attach the labels. You don't have to find reasons our brain naturally wants a reason for all of this to make sense for the trauma to make sense. And so I was like, okay, I know that I am a powerful being. I know that where I am is not a coincidence. I know that I am so worthy and that I can work on healing myself and just loving my body. And so I really had to find fine tune how I talked to myself in order for me to get to a place, to start to heal. And so when I eventually was able to recalibrate my thoughts, then I was able to learn about Reiki, find light and healing in my hands and place them on my body. Do body scans every single night of my body from head to toe. Like, and this may sound a little woohoo to some people, but it's so Powerful, powerful when you just lay down
And you just do a scan of your body. And oftentimes we forget that we, our body is our house. And if our house is messy, everything is off. You cannot grow. You cannot flourish. You cannot become a better person. You can't show up as a spouse, as a friend, as a daughter, as any, you can't, you just can't do it because it's so murky. And so the way that I see myself as me living in my body, my body is my home. And I want my home to feel clean and pure and my safe place. And so just, you know, using my hands as my, as my healing source of light and hovering them over my, my womb and just saying, I am so sorry that I judged you. I'm so sorry that I felt that you were less than, this is why I am grateful for you because you keep me alive because this is how you function. And although the function that I really want you to have or to do is not working. It's okay, because I'm here and I'm alive and, and yeah. And it's those, and it's those things that I think sometimes we forget that we can control our inner talk, our self-talk, and sometimes people are like, okay, there she goes talking to herself again. I'm like, it's because I love, I love, I love this soul. Like, I feel like we're in a human school, We're human school and we're learning. And, Um, I think when you, when you can say, Hey, I'm hurting, or, Hey, I don't know how to do that. Or I'm confused. I think we open ourselves to learn and grow from other people and, and acquired tools that help us as self healers. And so being vulnerable and true to myself and saying, Hey, I have an opportunity to grow in this particular area. I'm not, you know, sometimes I expect too much out of people or sometimes I'm quick to, to bite back, but those are things that, you know, I I'm working through. And that's just an extension of like, you know, when you heal your trauma, then you start to heal other aspects of your life too. And so I've just, I have found it so powerful and these tools as well, you know, I, I pass them to my daughter. She does Reiki on me, children, have, and Josephine children. I mean, you have, you have children, you have so many children and you you've seen them grow up. Their imagination is huge. And so what, what better gift to give a child with a massive imagination than the gift of self-healing and knowing that they are safe in this white space that they could heal and they could pay attention to their body.
Josephine Atluri:
Like, I love that your daughter does Reiki
Marilyn Gomez:
That process has been such a beautiful gift that I can just bestow upon her.
Josephine Atluri:
Right, Yeah. How have we not spoken sooner, Just sitting here and like loving everything that's coming out of your mouth, because I mean, all of it is what, you know, I speak to and try to teach my students and clients and you're right, like from the limiting beliefs to the self-talk and it all comes down to tuning in and being aware of oneself and making that time for that connection, because that then trickles over into every other aspect of your life, but it starts from within, and you have to have that conversation with yourself and that openness with yourself. And that's always the first step to starting to heal from anything, whether it's infertility or not. Um, but yeah, I, I love hearing about your process and, and hopefully that will resonate with some of today's listeners definitely did with me. And, you know, I want to touch back on your decision to, to just finish your journey where it left off, because, um, one of my biggest takeaways from my own journey was the importance and the power of the pause. And the pause, I talk about serves this purpose of allowing one, to have some self care and nourishment, but also as a point of re-evaluation of next steps and what you can actually really handle versus what you're pushing yourself to do. So, you know, you made that decision after that last transfer, that this would be it. And, um, you know, it's, if you have any sort of advice or takeaways is how you got to that point and what that pause and re-evaluation look like for you, I'd love for you to share.
Marilyn Gomez:
Oh, that is such a great question. And I love your talk about the pause. It's so powerful. And oftentimes we forget that we are IN CONROL!l We CAN do that. We could do that. And so for me, it was like, okay, because I had worked on self healing and just being aware, you're just. You're just aware of all of this. I remember pausing and because, okay, I'm type A, like, I'm literally, I got more gasoline in my tank. I'm going to do 25 more IVF until I fulfilled this dream that I created when I was young. And so I paused and I was like, okay. And I knew my answer, but I, but I wanted to lay everything out. I was like, okay, why do you want to have a big family? When did this idea start? Okay, well, it was because, you know, when you're young, you were growing up XYZ. Then I was able to pinpoint the root cause as to what I felt, the reason why I wanted so many children and, you know, I, you know, I'm a daughter of immigrants and when you're a daughter of immigrants and you're, first-generation American, there's so much that, um, you feel like you owe your parents because growing up, my parents were like, you, you know, you owe us this, like you, like, You better behave. We came to America for you, the land of opportunity for you. So felt like I owed them, uh, the role of being a grandparents of many. And when I was able to find that root cause I was like, Oh, but you don't owe anybody, anything. Like, are you going to continue to sacrifice your mental health and your wellbeing for, for this? Or are you going to honor your space and know that you have the power to rewrite your story, a new story, a new journey, a new life, a new experience that you never even thought of exploring before. And so, and it doesn't mean it doesn't come with triggers and you know, and although I'm at a point where now it's more bittersweet and the triggers are far few, very few and far between, and it's fizzled out a little bit for me. Does it mean that I don't experience a little like, Ooh, I wish I had more than three stockings hanging from the mantle for the holidays.
You know, I got, I got to a place where I'm like, okay, number one, ending the stigma of people saying your daughter's going to be lonely because she doesn't have siblings. So that ruminating, that thought that continues in your head when you're like, my kid is going to be lonely. I put a stop to that thought and say, my kid's not going to be lonely because A. They're not going to miss anything they've never had B. She has me and her dad. We have a blast together. She has my full and undivided attention all the time. And so then I put, I put an end to that thought because I was able to find that solution, like, no, that thought is incorrect. That is a negative. That is a limiting belief. That is net that's negative. And then I sought out to find adults that are single children, that themselves, right.
And Josephine, I did this poll last year. And I, I like collected so many like adults that are single children. And they're like, we had the best childhood. Every one of them said I had the best childhood. I loved having access to my parents all the time. I loved that. We did stuff together as a family. Like they felt like an equal to their parents and it was this beautiful relationship. And I'm like, okay, these adults are telling me that they had a great childhood. They didn't feel like they needed a sibling because oftentimes, you know, I don't know about you Josephine, but I have friendships in my life that I feel are more, that I'm closer to than my own sister, even though my sister is my ride or die and she'll oh and we have a great relationship, but I have, I have friendships that are just like an extension of sisters for me.
And my daughter has that my daughter has little friendships. She has cousins. She has a family that loves her. And so, no, she won't, she won't be lonely. She has access to her parents. And so that has really helped me a lot and understanding the power of rewriting a story and finding good. Like, I don't have an, I don't have a second child. Okay. That's okay. There's nothing wrong. That's okay. And you, and, and normalizing that and being able to, uh, respond when someone says, Oh, you know, when are you going to give your child a sibling? I'm like, um, what, let me give you some time. Let me tell you about my infertility journey, right? You have a couple of hours. And so that for me, is just being aware of those thoughts has gotten me to a place where I can choose to rewrite a story.
You can choose to just delete the old one and re and write a new dream. And, and it doesn't mean, and this is, this is something that, you know, when I have, when I have speaking engagements or I, um, lead small groups, support groups, that it doesn't mean that I'm like, I will never explore treatment again. I will never do this again. It means that today I am at a place where I want to be where I will be okay. And I'm fine with this story because it's beautifu. It doesn't mean that next year I'm not like, you know, what, should we try Clomid again? Or should we try X, Y, Z. It just means that I'm in the right head space, that I'm in a place where I feel like I have full control and complete happiness. I am fulfilled, all the puzzle pieces are together. I am overflowed with so much joy and gratitude because I chose this
Josephine Atluri:
So beautiful. And, you know, it's, it begins with a conversation, a very honest conversation with yourself and your partner about, you know, what your expectations are, where they release them from, you know, having exploring all of that, like you did. And then also, you know, questioning what you can actually handle and what you can make peace with. And I love that you described, you know, this very complete process of, of what it meant for you to make these decisions and how you came about it, because that's very similar to what we did with, um, with our first son who we adopted internationally, you know, after many years of IVF, I just had to come to that conclusion and be honest with myself that I was tired and I just couldn't do it anymore. And that, yes, I had very different expectation of what a family looked like from, from growing up and seeing my own family, my own extended family, but that didn't have to be, as you said, as you so beautifully put that did not have to be my story, that I could rewrite it in a different way, by accepting what I wanted to accept as what a family could look like.
And that's, you know, that's how we came about with, with adoption. Um, so it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that, Marilyn, and then the other topic I wanted to touch upon, um, I know we can go into all of these for much longer was race and infertility. And, you know, it resonated with me so much. I'm Filipina. My husband's a South Asian who's South Indian. And when you were talking about how you grew up with a big extended family, you know, I only have one brother, but my mother came from a family of 10. And so I grew up with all my cousins around and all my aunts and uncles. And for me, that's what, that's what family meant for me. And that's, you know, that's what I had envisioned for myself, um, growing up and, you know, there was that aspect of things. And then there's also aspects that you don't really hear about much with other people going through infertility who don't have, you know, um, like being Asian. We didn't, we never talked about infertility. It wasn't something that was very taboo to talk about that, that, and also being raised Catholic. And so, you know, I, from reading many of your posts, I'd love for you to share about your experience being Latina And going through and fertility
Marilyn Gomez:
I just got goosebumps because I know, I know that, you know, I know that, you know what it's like, and it's so honestly it's so powerful to feel seen. And that's why it's so important for me to continue to share this on my social media networks, because women of color need to feel seen because when you and I also grew up Catholic and my, my mom is one of 12 and my dad is one of 14. And so you can imagine, like, you feel like, okay, this is just what you do. And, and in, and in different cultures and specifically the Latin X culture, there's this level of pride, right? Um, that you're just born into, like, you're just a doer and you, you, you put your shoulder to the wheel and you go, you accomplish your goals. You have to work harder than other people, but you will get there.
And, but you don't talk about how hard it is and you, and you don't talk about anything that has to do with sex, because growing up, um, in a religious household, reproductive, your reproductive system equals sex. And I was taught like, you are not allowed like abstinence, you abstain. This is how you protect yourself. Um, and so there's just, no. And then, and then the men are brought up, like, they're the, the machos macho man. Let's see what they call machismo and where they just, you know, they are the head of the household. They take care of the family. And you just don't talk anything about, uh, your intimate life, which is, you know, like your reproductive system. And so when we were in the thick of it, like the first couple of years of infertility, we were the thick of it, and I was like telling him, I'm like, I need to talk about this to someone, but my parents didn't create a relationship with me where it was okay.
Or safe to talk about these things. And my husband was like, this is private. This is about our sex life. I'm like, but it's not ,right. It's not, it's separate. And so for him, for him out of respect for him, I didn't talk about it for years Josephine, because he was like, no, this is private. This is weak. We cannot talk about this. And even when you go and try to seek out help, the first thing that my doctors, every single one of them asked me is what my heritage was. Oh, you're Latino. You're Colombian. Oh yeah. Colombians are very fertile. mmm....what Okay. Thanks.
And so, you know, a feeling stopped in every corner and not being able to dive in to this level of understanding was very difficult. And it's difficult for women of color. You know, when they walk into the waiting room, they don't feel represented. I didn't feel represented. I was, you know, I didn't feel represented at all. And in marketing, I don't feel represented when I opened a pamphlet. When the pamphlet that I opened about, uh, PGS testing, genetic testing for my embryos, I didn't see anybody that looked like me in it. And so, you know, I think there's a lot, a lot of work that needs to be done on the clinic side, the clinical side, right. And how they approach their patients. And then the advocacy part comes of feeling this sense of urgency for me to normalize these conversations in our population, because our infertility numbers in the pool of women of color are increasing double digits.
And there , there's reasons for that. You know, there's reasons for that. Uh, socio-economical statuses and lack of access, knowledge, not opening up to friends and family. And then I reflect on my relatives. I'm like I have three, three aunts on both sides of my family that don't have children. Ah, I bet you that they went through infertility. And at some point they felt like they didn't talk about, we just didn't talk about why, you know, and our aunt on my dad's side of the family doesn't have children. We don't, we just don't talk about it. And we have to layer into is the religious aspect, right? I think oftentimes in many religions seeking scientific assistance or artificial reproductive technologies, they're like, Oh, now you're playing God. Now you're playing God. And God doesn't want you to have children, which is why you haven't had any, or you're not praying enough or wherever the case may be. And so there's, there's so many layers there for women of color, um, when it comes to infertility and there's so there's, there are barriers that I feel like we're tapping at that are starting to kind of come forward. And that's because so many women like you and I, and many women that we engage with in our community are normalizing these conversations.
Josephine Atluri:
Yeah. It's so necessary because it's, it's a process that's already isolating to begin with. And one can, you know, be affected by one self-worth that to layer on top of that, the feeling of not being represented, not being able to resonate with, with people out there who are going through the same thing, it just drives me even more to, to speak out and to, to highlight stories like yours, to show that, you know, there is representation and that you are, you are heard in some way. So I really appreciate all the work that you're doing in that regard because it, it, you know, it's so important because I remember that feeling going into the waiting room and not seeing anyone like myself, and it just, you know, it's already, it's already a tough process. And then just to feel like you're so alone makes it even worse, but thank you. And, you know, so I would love to wrap up with hearing some of your, perhaps one or two biggest sort of pieces of advice or takeaways that you can give to our listeners about that came about from your own journey and that someone should keep in mind as they're going through their own process of trying to become parents.
Marilyn Gomez:
Mm, great question. Um, what, uh, what this little golden nugget is going to be so helpful for whoever's listening and that is being aware of your thoughts and, and it doesn't mean I'm not asking you to go sit and meditate. I think sometimes the word meditation can be so daunting for some people. Um, but just being aware, just, you know, check in, in your head throughout the day, like, huh, what am I thinking about? What..what belief is, what thought is ruminating that is harmful for me and my personal growth that is maybe getting in the way of me starting to heal and whatever trauma or, um, stress or life obstacle that I'm, that I'm experiencing. Like, what, what is this con, what is this thought, where's it coming from? And, and why is this thought false? And so my challenge is just the check-in with yourself.
Josephine Atluri:
I love that. That's so great and very helpful. It is very key too, to just tune in for a moment. And you're right, you don't have to meditate, even though I like to push that, but it's true. You can just be mindful just by like taking a quick check-in and seeing where you stand that day, and it will be different every day. And then you have the information for how to proceed and how to care for yourself that day. So I love that. Thank you. And I always like to end my podcast shifting over to state of positivity by asking my guests to share their gratitude for today.
Marilyn Gomez:
First of all, to step back really quick. Like I am, uh, I am a huge supporter of meditation. And I feel like when you check in with your thoughts, it's a small form of starting to lead yourself into meditation, right? It is. Yeah. Yeah. And for me, like meditating, you know, five, 10, 15 minutes a day has been such a game changer, but, um, this is what I'm grateful for today. You know, I went to refill my, my water bottle right before we started recording. And I noticed that the filter light turned red on my refrigerator, and I turned to my husband and I was like, Hey, babe, can you order a new filter? Can you go to Lowe's to pick up a filter for the, for the refrigerator, because it's red and the water tastes gross. And then I was like, Oh my gosh Marilyn I'm. So I'm so grateful that I even have clean water to drink. We, we think about people that don't have access to clean water. Let's talk about Texas. There are people that, you know, were, you know, boiling their water as scooping water up from pool swimming pools. There are people right now that don't have access to clean water in Texas and Flint, Michigan. I mean, we know what's been going on for years with, you know, not having access to clean water. And so I am grateful for clean water.
Josephine Atluri:
I love that. Thank you for sharing that. It does take a moment to just like that, like where you're aware of that moment, and then you're able to sort of dive deep into it and then come to an appreciation of, of what you have. So thank you for sharing that. And I'd love for you to share with the audience, you know, in the spirit of giving and receiving and how they can learn more about you and connect with you.
Marilyn Gomez:
Oh, okay. I love hanging out on Instagram. That is my space. So you can find me @marilynbgomez on Instagram. I hang out there and I also hang out over @infertiletees, which is my online store.
Josephine Atluri:
I love, I checked it out, you know, leading up to this and I'm definitely buying some stuff, but I love it. I love all the stuff you have on there. You have a podcast as well.
Marilyn Gomez:
I do have a podcast it's called Mama Vida podcast, where I interview women, all different, all different life experiences. And we dive into life, purpose and womanhood and things that we can learn from each other.
Josephine Atluri:
Also definitely tune in to Marilyn's podcast. And thank you so much again, for all of your insight and your candor with your journey. It's been amazing speaking to you.