RTL Episode 69: Melissa Connelly: Her Same-Sex Fertility Journey

On this episode of Responding to Life, I am joined by Melissa Connelly. Melissa is an LGBTQ+ content creator whose platform focuses on inclusivity and authenticity while discussing real and raw topics candidly. A Black lesbian in an interracial marriage, she is about to be a first time mom. She's created an online community sharing her life and her family online while inviting others to the table to join the conversation and share their stories.

I'm excited to share with you my interview with Melissa where we discuss her infertility journey as a lesbian which involved IUI, IVF, and the use of a third party donor. We'll also dive into Melissa's concerns of becoming first time parents as a lesbian couple.

@missyhalle

Episode 69 Transcript

Josephine Atluri (00:08):

On today's episode of Responding to Life, I am joined by Melissa Connelly, an LGTBQ plus content creator whose platform focuses on inclusivity and authenticity while discussing real and raw topics. Candidly, a black lesbian in an interracial marriage, she's about to be a first time mom. She's created an online community sharing her life and her family online, and invites others to the table to join the conversation and share their stories. I'm excited to share with you my interview of Melissa, where we discuss her fertility journey as a lesbian, which involved IUI, IVF and the use of a third party donor. We'll also dive into Melissa's concerns of becoming first time parents as a lesbian couple. Welcome to the show, Melissa.

Melissa Connelly (01:14):

Thank you so much for having me.

Josephine Atluri (01:16):

Yeah, I'm so excited to be speaking with you finally, after admiring your strength and your courage from afar as I am one of your followers on your journey via Instagram. So for the listen centers who may not follow you on IG or TikTok yet, why don't we start with you sharing about your background.

Melissa Connelly (01:35):

So my full name is Melissa Connelly. I am a same sex lesbian. Well, I'm one half of the same sex lesbian couple who started her fertility journey with my wife in March of 2021. As luck would have it and frequently happens in cases of people who are trying to conceive, it took longer than expected but we were able to share a journey with so many different people on Instagram and on TikTok and really got an amazing sense of community from so many other people that are also trying to conceive. So it's been a really great journey. We are blessed to be expecting in August a content creator who is just busy sharing life, love, queer experiences, and now what it's like to be soon to be first time mom.

Josephine Atluri (02:32):

Oh, that's so amazing. I am so excited for you. When I found out the news that you were expecting, it's always especially someone who's going through that whole process, always brings a smile to my face when I see people's happy endings or their next phase of their journey. So going back to that idea of community, you grew up feeling like you know, had this weight to carry in life because you came out to your own community, and then when you decided to begin your path to parenthood, you were thrust into another whole world, different world where you carried a different weight on your shoulders of trying to get pregnant as a lesbian couple. So I wanted to see if you could share specifically about what that fertility journey looked like through the lens of being in the same sex partnership who had to use a third party donor.

Melissa Connelly (03:30):

So when we had discussed, obviously trying to grow our family unlike a lot of non LGBTQ plus counterparts, we had to automatically assume that there would be a third party helping us to conceive. And I think that there's not a lot of resources and information readily conversed about You can obviously use Google, you can do your research on your own, but it's just not something that's commonplace knowledge. So there's that extra onus on yourself to educate yourself and your spouse on what that looks like. So for us we wanted to start with iui, intrauterine insemination. It can either be done in a doctor's office, in a fertility clinic. There's several different ways to go about trying to conceive, and that for us was the least expensive with the highest odds. There's also ICI where you can try it at home. So we looked up healthcare systems.

(04:35):

Luckily at the time our healthcare system offered that insurance covered ii, which was also fantastic. But then it comes down to also having to choose a donor, that third party to create your family. And so for us, we don't have anyone that was close enough to where we felt comfortable asking that person to take on that role as a donor. So we decided to go through a third party sperm bank. And that in and of itself was an interesting experience, to say the least. For us, it was really great. We felt as though we had a lot of options with the company that we went through California cryobank. We were able to narrow down donors by ethnicity black. My wife is Korean American so we wanted our child to have the opportunity to be a reflection of both of our ethnicities. I'm caring. So we were able to find a Korean donor who was educated. We got to hear our donors speak and talk about their value system and got a really good idea of their medical history and their background. And so that was the journey that we started in March

Josephine Atluri (05:54):

In terms of, I had my own process of looking through sort do for our surrogacy experience, <affirmative>. That was for us. We were only given them one at a time. But it sounds like for you were able to narrow things, narrow down by criteria and then go through the process of reading prospective candidates pretty readily or were, was this a lengthy process for you, I guess is what I'm asking

Melissa Connelly (06:30):

For us? I think it was California cryobank offers a lot of different filters, and that's why we actually chose the sperm bank that we went through because you could filter so much and still be left with, For us, I think we had about eight different options for Korean donors that we could choose from based off of our specific criteria, which is a lot I've heard from a lot of other same sex couples that your final number after you've filtered out all of the qualifications, characteristics and genetic traits that you want ends up being a lot lower than eight. So we felt very, very fortunate to have so many to choose from. And after we had filtered for education, health all of those other key factors that were important to us, that's really, really went with finding somebody whose personality value system and just general outlook on life. We wanted to find somebody who closely mirrored that of my wife. So that I think was the most impactful portion, was really being able to hear our donor talk about how they felt called to serve others. Our donors a firefighter, my wife is an ICU nurse. Our donor spoke about backpacking across the United States, which my wife also did. So there were a lot of really great commonalities that I felt like spoke to us. So we felt really confident in our decision to choose that donor.

Josephine Atluri (07:58):

I love that. I love that you looked at all those different components and made your decision weighted in that. And so you said that you started with iui, and I know from following you that you went through a couple rounds of II and then you proceeded to I V F. So if you could quickly share with us how you went from that decision from II into moving on and pivoting to ivf.

Melissa Connelly (08:26):

So one thing that most people that have to use a third party donor are aware of is just the sheer cost sperm or not inexpensive by any means. So typically speaking for your average donor vial you're looking at about $1,200. And that is just for one vial, not including shipping, not including all of the other fees that come along with it. So the average person can take up to six times trying II before it's actually effective. So at the time our insurance coverage covered six iis and after that it would cover ivf. So that's why we chose to start with iui. We tried II twice, two months in a row and we were unsuccessful both times. With ii, you've got the two week wait where you're kind of sitting on the crust of a wave being very hopeful and optimistic that you're going to get that two pink lens, that big fat positive.

(09:31):

And for us that didn't happen. So as luck would have it, and I consider this to be one of the biggest blessings I've ever had besides obviously our pregnancy. My insurance changed in June. So we started the II process in March. We tried in April and May we're unsuccessful. And then my insurance coverage changed June 1st. I worked for a very progressive company and they added a fertility addendum insurance that covered IVF completely. Oh, wow. And that's huge. That's something that you hardly ever hear of companies offering. And so when we sat down and we looked at the success rates for ii, which for my age with no proceeding health complications it was about 20%. IVF raised that to about 60 to 80. And so that was an easy enough decision. I had it not been covered. I think we probably would've gone down the II route up to the full six times just to get the coverage for ivf. But given that we had the option to choose, I chose. And then my wife was completely on board with switching to ivf. So we started the journey in June.

Josephine Atluri (10:48):

That is quite a blessing because the whole insurance piece, it's such a huge factor in the decision making process, and we were lucky that we had really supportive insurance as well that really allowed us to grow our family. And I wanted to go back on something that you touched upon in the very beginning about the lack of information outside of Googling in terms of being a same sex couple. So what were you able to find out there in terms of added support and community as you started this path to parenthood, this journey of yours?

Melissa Connelly (11:32):

So when we started the path, it was really just more or less me reaching out to friends that I knew personally that were same sex couples who grew their family. And so I was reaching out to friends I've had for years to find out, Hey, did you do iui? Did you do ivf? How many tries did it take? And all of these stories started to emerge. And before we actually started on our TTC journey, I was already actively sharing life, love, relationship history online on Instagram. And I had created this amazing community with people who identified as L G B T, people who identified as allies who were just really engaged in and learning more about the similarities and some of the differences. And so when I started to open up about our TTC journey online, I found that there were so many people that could relate to our story, but also came to the table with information about how they grew their families and recommendations for fertility clinics and recommendations for sperm bank. So I felt like a lot of the information that I was initially exposed to was really just word of mouth and that online community.

Josephine Atluri (12:54):

That's wonderful. It really as being an advocate within the fertility community, I always note that I wish I had such resources back when I was trying to conceive and when we were first starting our family about 15 years ago. It's funny to say it like that but we didn't have all of this readily available to us. But it makes such a huge difference because as you know, it can be a very tough process. It can sometimes be alienating and very isolating, and it's just difficult. And so to know that you have people out there who understand what you're going through and who can offer you valuable advice, really can be a game changer in the whole process. So one of the things that I wanted to ask you about, because many of the people listening on the show to the show are people who are trying to conceive themselves. I would love for you to share how you navigate the challenges of same sex fertility issues while upholding your mental and emotional wellbeing for yourself, but also as a couple,

Melissa Connelly (14:06):

Give yourself grace, I think is the one sentence that I've tried to keep in mind both individually and as a couple since we started trying to conceive, it's something that is emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing from beginning to end, whether you are doing ici, iui, ivf, especially ivf in my personal opinion, because the amount of hormones that you're on just from beginning to end, all the way from stems to the retrieval to the transfer I heard so many stories, horror stories, not from personal friends, but I feel like you hear these stories about, I know of a couple that didn't survive their IVF journey, and I know of a couple who infertility ruined their relationships and there's so many different negative outcomes that can come from it. But then you also hear these amazing stories that people that really grew closer together. And I think talking to personal friends that I have who it took them several different tries and just their key takeaways really made me remind myself and my wife to just give ourselves a little bit of grace and allow ourselves to fully and emotionally go through it and allow the process to bring us together.

(15:33):

So in those times where it would've been isolating, I think we really leaned into each other and our relationship and really fully supported one another in however we were feeling throughout the journey. And I really think that made a huge difference for us.

Josephine Atluri (15:51):

Oh, well, I love the advice that you gave because it can apply to so many different parts of her life, but especially rings true when you're going through the process of creating your family and growing your family. And I love that you made mention of having this situation bring you closer together and leaning into one another for support. So thank you so much for sharing that. Something that we all know for ourselves and it's easy to tell other people, but it's a whole other thing when we have to remind ourselves to do this, to give ourselves grace because we can be so hard, we can be so hard on ourselves. <affirmative>. And so you mentioned, my other question that I had that I wanted to ask you, but you had already touched upon it was that when you were going through the process initially you reached out to other people, other same sex couples who had also gone down this path of creating their family. But I'm curious to hear if you had to in other ways, tailor your support structure in light of any approval or disapproval that you may have experienced from friends and family.

Melissa Connelly (17:08):

Well, I think the most, I guess my wife and I, neither one of us have support. The support of our families. We both come from very religious households in which from coming out to getting married was very well known that we would not have that support as we decided to grow our families. So that to begin with was kind of off the table for us. We do have so much support from our chosen family and friends that we've known throughout our lives that definitely came to the forefront to fill in those gaps where genetic family wouldn't normally step up. So we were very fortunate there. I feel as though the only difference for the most part in talking to our friends who were in the TTC community who were not LGBTQ plus was sometimes just already diagnosed issues, infertility. So I think that's something that is very different for the LGBTQ plus community because typically when you start trying to conceive, you don't already have a diagnosis of infertility because you haven't been trying what they would consider naturally for a period of six months to a year.

(18:27):

Typically couples outside our small minority group have tried the fun way first, and then if that doesn't work after six months to a year, they start to consider alternatives to help obviously grow their family. For people in my community, you kind of skip over the fun part because the fun part doesn't really give you a baby to take home. So you automatically have to assume that you're going to have to use a third party consult, a doctor, have blood work drawn but you're also going into it thinking and assuming that your fertility is a hundred percent sound, you just don't have access to sperm. So if that makes sense, that's where I think the difference really lies. Everything else is the same, it's the same tension, it's the same apprehension, it's the same feeling of isolation. Sometimes there's the same hope and sometimes the same disappointment, but that's where the community difference I think is a little bit different. But everyone that's on the TTC journey is going into it with the same hope that you get to bring home a baby at the end.

Josephine Atluri (19:35):

But I wonder if you could share any specific tips that you learned along the way that you would not have even thought of as you were going through this journey to become a parent as a same-sex couple. As I was reading some of your Instagram posts, you are so informative and there are a couple times where you would put little tips. And I thought, this is amazing. And I wonder if you could just bring that into the mix today with just a few things that maybe you experienced and thought, Oh, I wish I had known that beforehand.

Melissa Connelly (20:16):

I think two things that I tried to keep in mind One was to monitor my own stress level and appreciate my body. When you go through trying to conceive, no matter the avenue that you take, it does come with an amount of stress, if you will, an amount of expectation that you're placing on yourself and your body to perform on command, in order to create life. And I feel as though when we started the IVF journey, this is something that I didn't do when we were on our II experience, was remember to appreciate my body, whether it performed accordingly or not. And I think the point that I really came to that mindset was I was talking to our fertility doctor when we had started our IVF journey, and I said, I feel like I'm on so many hormones and I feel like my emotions are all over the place.

(21:16):

And it was leading up to the egg retrieval, and he looked at me and he said, You're asking your body to do essentially a year's worth of work in a week. And I feel like when he said that, it really stayed with me, the grandiose ask that you're placing on your body to create life when you are ttc. It's something that when you take a look at it from an outside perspective, it really does give you a moment of clarity where you're like, Whether this works out in my favor or not, I appreciate my body for even trying to rise to that occasion. And I feel like I was able to take away from it and say, No matter how this ends, I'm still gonna respect myself. I'm still gonna show myself love. I'm gonna show myself kindness because I asked. And although my per may not be answered, I definitely did everything that I could and so did my body. So there's that level of appreciation I think I would advise other people to try and maintain throughout that process.

Josephine Atluri (22:18):

That is a wonderful perspective because I think we, I myself included lose sight of that as you're, you're on this quest to have a child and you become sort of singularly focused on that, that you lose sight of this tremendous ask that you are making of your body and that it is, it's all the things that it's doing for you. So thank you for reminding us of all of that. And so I can't end this podcast episode with talk without talking about your pregnancy. I was so thrilled when I saw your announcement on ig, and I'm wondering, how's it going?

Melissa Connelly (22:59):

I'm so beyond excited and we're feeling so blessed. We actually did our first ultrasound our official, it's called the First Check Ultrasound. So we graduated from our fertility clinic. I will be 14 weeks on Thursday so we got to see our little ones today. They're growing and thriving, and we got to see some baby kicks. So I definitely am absolutely overjoyed. We got everything that we wanted out of that one round of ivf, which for those of you who haven't followed the story, we did. IVF started out with 14 eggs, we're down to two, and then it was down to one. We had one viable embryo, and we did testing, found out that it was genetically normal, moved to the transfer, and it worked. So feeling so very blessed and fortunate to have had that outcome when I know that so many people don't. So

Josephine Atluri (23:58):

Yeah. Yeah, the numbers game is really tough on the psych.

Melissa Connelly (24:02):

Yes, it definitely is.

Josephine Atluri (24:04):

Yeah. I mean, even if you start off with a ton and then it just sort of whittles away in front of your very eyes, and that's nerve wrack. I mean, that's so nerve wracking but I'm thrilled for you. And so I just wanted to touch upon your concerns. I think you mentioned this as something you wanted to talk about as your concerns about becoming a first time parent as a lesbian couple and how you are finding ways as you progress along your pregnancy on how to address these issues that come to mind.

Melissa Connelly (24:39):

So I feel as though sharing our story online, I've been able to really create this amazing sense of community with other parents. And I think it's something that is a common concern for same-sex parents is when we have our child and our child is growing up what does that mean for the challenges that our children will face? Whether are they going to be the only child in school on family day who's like, my family doesn't look like everyone else's? And really making sure that they have that sense of belonging, not just an everyday general society, but they also have a sense of normalcy, if you will, that I think is a general expectation for most parents. So really I'm currently trying to create a Cleveland LGBTQ plus parents group. That way kids are able to interact with other kids who do have families that look different.

(25:44):

So it reinforces that idea that my parents aren't the only parents who fell in love with one another. I think there's always, for any parent to have that concern over will my child be picked on, bullied, discriminated against, whether it's ethnicity, whether it's a different type of minority group. So I think it's something that's at the forefront of our minds. We've made sure to buy inclusive children's books that really go over the fact that families look different. Some kids have grandparents that are raising them, some parents are actually foster parents. And just making sure that we have a very diverse, inclusive environment to raise our child in.

Josephine Atluri (26:26):

I love that you're creating a community in your area for this very reason. And as you're talking, it just sounded very much like the process that we went through when our eldest is adopted from Kazakhstan. And so although it's a very different scenario, the basic underlying desire as a future parent is still the same. This idea of having this normalcy for your child and for having them and those around them understand that families are created in different ways and there's all created by love. And so it just warmed my heart that you're looking out in advance and trying to already prepare for this and so that you can welcome your little one into this world with already love and support to begin with. So that's amazing, and I'm so thankful for you for joining on the show and for speaking so candidly about your journey. Before we end the podcast, I'd love for you to share one last tip based off of your personal life experiences coming out as a lesbian and pursuing your path to parenthood in the same sex partnership. One piece of advice for responding to life in a more mindful and positive way.

Melissa Connelly (27:51):

My piece of advice, and this is actually something that's really personal to me is don't be afraid to hold onto your positivity. I feel like in some instances it can be so hard to hold onto when the statistics are not in your favor. And in my personal instance, the statistics were not in my favor at all. Age and count embryo counts. And I feel as though people want to always prepare you for the possibility that you may not get the ending that you want in or in an effort to avoid what's now, I believe called toxic positivity. But I feel like what I tried to tell myself is you have to believe in your own chances. Because if you don't believe in the odds for your own child to survive, who else do they have rooting for them? So my advice is to hold onto your positivity even when it seems like it's not likely and you're scared to hope, hold onto the positivity because there's always the chance that it could work out.

Josephine Atluri (29:09):

And I always end my podcast with asking my guest for one gratitude that they have for today. It's one method for all of us to be able to shift from a state of negativity into a state of positivity. And so I'd love to hear yours today, Melissa.

Melissa Connelly (29:28):

I am most grateful for community. I feel like if it wasn't for community, every step of this journey, this journey may not have gone the way that it did, and I may not have the mental and emotional fortitude to have made it this far. So that is my gratitude for today, you and people in the TTC community.

Josephine Atluri (29:49):

Well, that is a wonderful gratitude, and I'm so glad that our paths crossed through this TTC community. Indeed. So in the spirit of giving and receiving, how can the audience find you and follow along on your journey?

Melissa Connelly (30:03):

So for anyone that wants to continue on our journey I can be found on Instagram. My handle is Missy Hallie and if you are on TikTok, it's Missy Hall on ig. So I definitely welcome you to join the Journey and be part of our story, and I look forward to seeing you all on that platform.

Josephine Atluri (30:24):

Well, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing so candidly about your life journey. It's been a real pleasure for this conversation so that we can shine a light on these important topics in hopes of helping one person out there who might be in need of support through the advice that you gave us today, or even through that sense of belonging and community that you mentioned. So I look forward to following along in those tiny little IG squares as you progress into pregnancy and into parenthood To thank you again.

Melissa Connelly (30:55):

Thank you so much for having me.

Josephine Atluri (31:06):

Thank you so much for joining me for today's interview with Melissa Connelly. I'm so grateful for all of you out there listening and supporting the important topics discussed on this podcast. Join me again next time for another inspiring guest that will share their experiences or expert advice on how to respond to the various challenges presented to us in life. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Responding to Life podcast. For more info on today's guest, check out the episode summary. I'd love to connect with you more so be sure to check out my website, responding to life podcast.com for links to previous episodes, articles I've written and interviews I've done on mindfulness, meditation, infertility, and parenting. You'll also find free video meditations on my site and on my YouTube channel, Josephine Atluri Meditation. If you would like to book a one-on-one session with me, you can do so on the website. You can also follow me on Instagram at @josephineratluri for daily inspiration and mindfulness tips. Finally, I'd love for you to join my Facebook groups to connect with a supportive community and receive greater insight on how to incorporate mindfulness into your life. Check out the Mindful Parenting Group with Josephine Atlu, or the Empowering Your Fertility Group. Thanks again for tuning in today. I look forward to sharing more conversations with you on how to respond to life in a more mindful way.