RTL Episode 40: Healing After Loss with Monica Bivas
RTL Episode 40: Healing After Loss with Monica Bivas
On today's Fertility Episode, I am joined by Monica Bivas. Monica is a Mindset & Holistic Fertility Coach, speaker, writer of the book "The IVF Planner" and founder of The IVF Journey, an online community for women and couples to find support, hope, and connection with other individuals contemplating or experiencing In Vitro Fertilization.
Monica is a Certified Fertility Coach from the Wholesome Fertility Program and specializes in Mindset and Emotional Support for Individuals and couples Trying to Conceive Via ART, like IVF or IUI, as well as emotional support in Pregnancy and Infant loss. Monica was a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, Thrive Global and has been a guest in multiple Fertility Podcasts, where she talks about her own journey, and planning for and managing IVF treatments, as well on support on TTC naturally.
Her book, The IVF Planner, is a journal and guide for women undergoing
fertility treatment and has another book forthcoming about her life-changing
experience with IVF treatment and her Stillbirth and loss experience at 39 weeks
of her baby daughter Isabelle as well as her following miscarriage at 7 weeks after trying IVF again. Monica lives in NY with her husband and her two children.
To connect with Monica:
https://www.facebook.com/monica.bivas
https://www.pinterest.com/monicabivas/
https://www.instagram.com/monicabivas/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/monicabivas
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theivfjourney/
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/monicabivasIVFcoach/
Episode 40 Transcript
Josephine Atluri
Welcome to responding to life talking health, fertility, and Parenthood. On today's fertility episode, I am joined by Monica Bivas. Monica is a mindset and holistic fertility coach speaker writer of the book, the IVF planner, and founder of the IVF journey, an online community for women and couples to find support, hope and connection with other individuals contemplating or experiencing in vitro fertilization. Monica is a certified fertility coach from the wholesome fertility program and specializes in mindset and emotional support for individuals and couples trying to conceive via a IVF or IUI as well as emotional support in pregnancy and infant loss. Monica was a regular contributor to the Huffington post thrive global and has been a guest in multiple fertility podcasts, where she talks about her own journey and planning for and managing IVF treatments as well as on support on TTC naturally her book, the IVF planner is a journal and guide for women undergoing fertility treatment and has another book forthcoming about her life changing experience with IVF treatment and her stillbirth and loss experience at 39 weeks of her baby daughter, Isabelle, as well as her following miscarriage at seven weeks after trying IVF again, Monica lives in New York with her husband and her two children, and so excited to speak with her and have her share her story.
Thank you so much for joining me on the show today. Monica. I'm so excited to finally speak with you as we've interacted so much via the TTC community on Instagram, but we haven't actually spoken or met with one another. So thank you so much for being here today.
Monica Bivas
Thank you Josephine for actually having me. It's just an honor
Josephine Atluri
This is the first time that we really talk on these really. I don't know for me to be in your, so then let's get started. I'm excited to have a conversation with you. And I think the best way for us to begin is to start with your own story with your own journey via IVF to become a mom.
Monica Bivas
It's quite a story because you know, I'm coming actually from my family in Columbia, South America, especially from my mom's side, very 30th, they actually were 18 kids, nine boys, nine girls from the same dad and mom and I, you know, all my cousins and my aunts, they were very fair too. They used to get pregnant. Like we say, they're in South America with the blow of a case. So I have about 200 and something sense. So when I got married with my husband in 2003 you know, I thought that I could be a mom that easy, like everybody else. So it kind of took it for granted, but it didn't work. And we realized that I was the one that had the fertility because my husband had a daughter from a previous relationship. So we were trying for a year, like most people do.
And you know, instead of maybe about eight months, I went to my inequalities and asked him that I think I have a problem because I'm not getting pregnant. And he started, you know, try another form was completed year that most couples do. And then if it doesn't work, come back, we did that. And after a year I came back, he put me on [inaudible] and then after a few months it didn't work. So we went through all our tests and blood tests and all the tests came very, okay. We really didn't have any kind of issue until, you know, we went into more physical and deep tests and they found out through any series of bingo ground. I think that's the name that my both fallopian tubes were blocked from his practice. So we kind of extend all what we were doing to try to find a way to do it naturally [inaudible], but my tools weren't open.
So eventually we said, you know, the only choice that we have eating wheat I did my first thing vitro then you know, after that it was a little impactful for me because we entered into a path that we didn't know nothing. So we went to an artery that my inequalities recommend to us. He was very kind, very nice. But you know, we, we didn't have that knowledge. They barely explained to us in that time, there was no community of support, like there is today. So we enter like in an unknown, however the doctor, as I tell you, he was very kind with the first cycle and it was successful is now my 15 year old daughter, Aliyah. So we said, wow, it's easy. So it's going to happen again, not that time. Nobody explained us that we could have the chance to freeze eggs or to freeze embryos.
So we didn't know, the clinically then told us and we just, you know, have the baby and said together with my husband and another two, three years, we're going to try again. And it's going to be that easy, like this first one. And we did that, but this is where really my journey thought, because we went back to the same doctor and we did a second cycle. But the nurse in that time in the clinic, he has only like one or two people working in the clinic. They did a mistake, switching the charts with another another patient. And the, those that was put on me or the medicine was the wrong one. So I got O H S S and my ovaries became bologna. So they had to cancel the cycle due to that reason. And it was really frustrating. He took responsibility for that.
And he said that he's going to give us the next cycle, but of course, you know, how it needs. I needed to wait at least three months for my body to clean from all the medicine and all the drugs that are stimulants. We jumped into that third cycle in about four months later. And I got pregnant I was 37 years old and everything was going okay, but that 39 weeks I had a surveil was a stillbirth because I developed some issue with my, my blog. So I blood clot in the umbilical cord, you know, basically me and my baby. So I had to run the liver at 39 weeks, my daughter, and that was very devastating. I was lost emotionally, you know, raping has been too on my coping system in that time was like, I need to jump into another IVF to feel that hole, that pain, to replace that baby, you know, that's, I would say a survival reaction.
So I start to kind of drill my husband about that. And he was against, because he was somehow more rational. I was seeing that I need to grieve and heal first, and then we go there, but I was very stubborn. My R E R E recommend another doctor. We went to him, he told me exactly the same that he thought that it was too fast that I need to heal. Like I was totally blind. Totally. You know, deaf, I didn't listen. So we don't think to another idea and I got pregnant, but unfortunately at seven weeks I need Scottish. So from this time, you know, like a Bain and then there another pain, everything kind of came down, you know, like all, all, like when they say, when it rains it first or something like that, I was starting my accent. My, you know, my emotional state was there.
Well, my marriage started to crumble. We almost got divorced with my husband. It was a very terrible time. And eventually we kind of came back and talk and said, you know, we need to dedicate time for ourselves. They can rake Steve. We can feed this relationship. We have already a daughter and we took a year. And after a year, we decided that we're going to do our last try. The fifth cycle on whatever is going to happen. We're gonna accepted with love and it's going to come the way it is. So we did our last cycle. I got pregnant is now my seven year old daughter, Maya, and I was on glossiness and they feel, you know, my thought, if anything,
Josephine Atluri
Know, it's such a, an amazing story. Monica, thank you so much for opening up and, and sharing. I know even as the years pass, it's, it's still a wound that is so raw. And so I appreciate you sharing the stories of your losses and also just the emotional toll that it took upon you to take so much courage, to be able to open up about all of that. And, you know, it's, it's devastating to have to endure just this whole process, but to go through the first loss with your daughter at 39 weeks, Isabel, and then, and then again, right afterwards to, to miscarry I'm curious to hear about how you found that strength to just the strength and the courage to try again after you know, that that's the stillbirth, like, how do you, I know you said it sounded almost like you were going on autopilot where you just were very single focused on achieving this goal, but I, I wonder if there are any other components to that because of you know, I'm just drawing from my own experience of how I felt when I was going through the process of, of IVF.
You just become so focused hyper-focused on it. And it seems like there's nothing else that, that matters nothing else that you want. You just need to achieve this goal, this goal of becoming a mother of having the child and that nothing else matters. And so I'm just, I'd love to hear what that process looks like.
Monica Bivas
Yes, absolutely. You live in a, let's say it, right. Josephine is something that we are, we are, I think we may come me stick. Most of women that we go to IVF, even if we are trying to conceive, naturally, we focus so much on that, that we forget about the rest of the world and our life around on when we focus on something so strong with a stress on ourselves. And that is stress, basically the ultimate goal, how I find core as well. I'm going to tell you the biggest corridor was, of course my mom was with us. She was dealing with that. And community, we, we are Jewish on our synagogue and our rabbi. Basically they rather own the community and they were bringing us like almost everyday food. I will receive people everyday, you know, with mugs, with you know, the most beautiful loving gestures.
They were very aware of my pain. And so now when they will call and talk to me and they'll tell me, you know, I'm very sorry for your loss. They will find a way to, eh, who helped me to change my mind and not be stuck on that. It, it was really in credible. So there was moments, for example, after a week of having the stillbirth, that I still have some people coming and telling me how, sorry they were from what I went through, but then starting conversations of whatever subject. And then I will find myself kind of laughing or, you know, having a moment. And then, like you said, and then I go back to that moment and you see a white one. I don't really love you. I just love the baby. Why I need to do this. And through these process, I start to realize that all of that questions, all of this pain, it's part of these grieving protests.
And honestly, I tell you without the support of our community, of our synagogue, of my rabbi, his wife, and all these people, probably wouldn't be able to get a little bit out of that and to start to heal, because I am very open to and saying, Josephine that for pain like these it's, it's terrible. It has no name. You know, I always say when we lost our parents, these are called orphans, right? When we lost our husband and wife, his widow or widower. So when w when we lose a baby, a child that has no name. So without that support, I think I wouldn't be able to do it because I'm not going to be I'm going to be very honest with you. I thought about taking my life. I'm not going to lie. It's very, very terrible thing. It's, it's not easy. And I thought, and I went through looking two possible ways, but it's funny to say now, now I can say it's funny, but I think that what struck me was of course the support that I received, but also the fact that I am very scared from physical pain, little crack.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, you're not like, so I was trying to find ways that, okay, let me see how I can do that. It's not painful, and he's not going to, you know, or I'm not going to be in the middle and whatever, find whatever way I could find me. It was like, forget it. So something there, you know, that I get a proper God call it whatever. Somehow always put something to stop me. So all together was basically what helped me to be where I am now and heal there's barriers there, but yes, we here.
Josephine Atluri
Absolutely we do heal. And the, the support you had should, you know, it's something worth, definitely talking about, and it's important. And when you're get to that, did those low points and you just don't have the energy and the strength to move on. It's amazing how leaning on someone else can be so powerful and helpful. And that's, I think the beauty of the, the online community that has come about, which, you know, as you mentioned, and it's something that I often mentioned, I wish I had back when I was undergoing my own journey, it would have been such a tremendous help, but I'm glad Monica that you had, you know, your own community that was able to help you get out of that darkness. And I love that comparison, not love it, and because it has to have a comparison, but the way that you're able to put it to words that there is no word for a mother who is grieving, who has lost a child, that's, you know, that's me, but just, you know, that just struck me.
And so, you know, I'm, I'm curious, you had a daughter and, and then you experienced, you know, your stillbirth and then a miscarriage. And I don't believe I've spoken to anyone on the show. At least recently who has explained to us what it feels like to go and experience these losses with a child in their home already, you know, from my own experience, when I had my second trimester loss of twins, I didn't have a child yet. And I can imagine it being such a vastly different experience. So I'd love for you to touch upon what that was like.
Monica Bivas
Absolutely, absolutely. Tell you Leah was actually five years old when this happened and, you know, the kids are very aware. Our kids today born with such a [inaudible] that is, you know, beyond a description. So of course you saw, you know, mommy belly's growing and she used to be spoiling me on you know, when, when severely used to move, she used to be like, if she was there feeling it. So when when our babies died, one of the scenes that we deed was and I mentioned this because it, the way, you know, we work, my husband is Israeli. I am Columbian. So we, as I mentioned to you, we are Jewish, but we are we are who they say that not to not alter those values or whatever. There is certain values, certain things that we keep.
So when the baby died, we, he called, he called the rabbi and he asked him number one, we should do like Nick proxy. And he said, no, because she was not 30 days, 30 days, a baby needs to be 30 days life. And then the other thing he asked him is like, we need help to speak with a Liam and liaise. And my daughter probably gonna tell her because she's, you know, waiting home to, to mommy with a little baby, and then that little, you know, chair, to what role are we going to do it? So he actually came with us the day that I went from the hospital. It was only one day. And I, and you know, I didn't know what to do. He was telling me the car, how to approach. And I called and I told him I can plant.
There is no way that I'm gonna tell my daughter. I don't know how to tell her. And maybe I'm going to come and tell her, I'm sorry, but your sister died. And I don't think that's the way to tell a five year old. So I basically told my husband on the rabbi that they need to explain him, we think wrong. And I was devastated. I went upstairs. I didn't want to feel with nobody, not even with Aliyah. It's something that I guess it's, like I said, in the beginning, it's a defense mechanism to protect yourself, to even protect your loved ones from that thing. You don't want them to feel that thing. I, my husband's seek with her on the rabbi and they were clearly with no arounds, but with love, they explained to her that, you know mommy about some issue in her body.
And unfortunately that affect the baby and cheetah. And of course, my step daughter didn't live with us, but she was so excited to do that. She was nine years old and believe it or not Josephine, which was a fine, she took that. She cried, but she kind of understood or took it differently. On the other hand, my step daughter, she was devastated, like devastated, cried. Like there was no two more ideas. My husband said that he couldn't find a way to calm her down for like about an hour, hour and a half after he spoke with her. That's the only way to do that kind of thing. Definitely that we need to find the best way to tell them that truth.
Josephine Atluri
I can't even imagine having to have that conversation with a child. So
Monica Bivas
It's very difficult. Like I told you, I, I, I run away from that today. I ran away from that. I, I was not capable. So I basically, in other words, I threw that to my husband on the rabbi. And then I remembered that after they told her she went upstairs and she hugged me. It was amazing. She said that she understand that my pain, but to remember that I have her on that. She knows that [inaudible], which is that for us, is going to give us another baby. And we are going to be passing this time. She's super mature. You have no idea. I was like, she's full of love. I, if I would say, what is the conception of love? Is these girls still until today? I'm very blessed. I can't complain.
Josephine Atluri
Oh, that's amazing. She sounds so wise for such a little, at the time for being so little and such comforting words to, to be able to share with you. That's so beautiful, Monica. And you know, and speaking of asking your husband to sort of step in when you didn't have the strength to do it, you mentioned in your story that you had a difficult time with your marriage. And, you know, I hear this very often with people who share their stories with me about their infertility journey, that oftentimes their marriages can get very strange because as in with life, you know, you start to diverge in paths, you know, your, what you want in life starts to change based on experiences. And we all sort of respond to the challenges in life, in different ways, and that we may start off the same way, but we may end up in different areas. So I'd love to hear just how you went about repairing in marriage under this cloud of, of this infertility journey that you're experiencing.
Monica Bivas
Yes. Well, definitely. I, like you said, I think that when we are going through, through a very specific fertility, you, especially when we have to go to a party and all the, the why aren't people for IVF and not being able to do naturally, it brings a lot of pressure in in a marriage. And I think I found out why, and it's because we are two different worlds. Men are more rational, which I think that that's eventually through the years, when I, when I look back, I see that that was a big help in my recovered it too. And women, we are more emotion. So on, we always expect on the other side to be expected, we always suspect that people outside from our comfort zone or outside, from what we feel react the same way as we are when they don't, then we think that they are not feeling, or they have no feelings or they are not in pain.
And the biggest thing that kind of explode our problems, because, you know, there is no relationship that is perfect. You probably don't need this here because there is more, and sometimes you find out they accumulate you, you forget them. And then when something big happens, everything comes, you know, like they say that it hits the fan and it's flush everybody. So what happened? So what happened is that when Isabel died, that was really what started to put us down in our relationship because I was emotional. I was crying every night. I will, you know, just put myself so down because I was so empty that I would like to say, I didn't have any, even to spite anymore with the pain. And I just wanted to leave some period of float. My eyes on is gone. Or sometimes I will go to sleep the nights.
And I was praying that it was a nightmare and I'm going to wake up the next day and everything is going to be different. So that was my way of coping. And then my husband, yeah. The day that we were in the hospital and the baby born, and they brought her to us and I wanted to see her and hug her. I soaked machine. I said to see there, she was like, please give it to the nurses. I don't want to see. And I'm like, what else want to see? You know, when we start and then cries that I have. And I see that the first thing he did after we came back and after, you know, that week of grieving with the people and the community is like, he went to work right away was thing. He went to work like from morning to evening, barely see him. He didn't see him crying. He was not talking about it.
He was so upset. I'm like, is this guy really? Are you kidding me? He is he in pain and I will be very aggressive. And you know, with him, are you already insensitive? You don't feel you don't chair. I sat to judge him from my own pain on pointing fingers. So started, you know, to practice the marriage. And then I'm putting pressure on him. Let's go onto another IBS because baby, you know, we're going to have the baby. And then miscarriage like Rick, all them that we both probably lawyers. I just told him that like this insensitive guy that has no feelings and has no heart, no compression, no crime. And then nothing. And then I was the only one, like carrying with us with that paint on Wendy's and we learned that we need to communicate. So we kind of sit together when he's funny, again, I'll arrive.
I was there and he sit with us and he say to him, can you please tell her that you are feeling something may start to open up and say that, you know, few times he came kind of drunk and it has, well, he's not a drinker. And he came a few times drunk and not talking. And he started to tell me one of the times that he can drunk. He went to a restaurant where those two, his business, where they know him. And he was so drunk. He started to cry with them. He was not crying with me. I mean, he say he wasn't no crying with me because he felt that if he will come and ride with me, it was dragging me more because I have enough cry, I'm crying so bad. So she needed to be the strong one to, to show me that he's a phone or he needs to like, so you need to open the mouth and talk.
And we start to discover that there was a lot of things that we didn't communicate, that I was blaming him. He was quiet. There wasn't, there was a shortage in the communication without visual thing about it, because then we realize that it was not that we spoke to Lovick while we hit on something that, that we even communicate. And then, you know, like think about it. And I said, wow, all these pain on nice avail and Mr. Parish, what is the good of it? So I brought us together and we decide that time. Okay, we're going to work on, on, let's see healing. And then if I feel to cry, I'm going to cry with you. And he said the same. And then I start to see that may not emerge. And they are just, you know, like I just sometimes so strange that they want to be so tough, but they are that when I saw
Josephine Atluri
That is so moving Monica you're, you know, you're, you really hit all so many points in what you described about the process that you and your husband went through. You know, we're all different beings. And we approach, we approach the challenges in different ways, but at the same time, we also feel this obligation to our partner to support them. And that for us looks different in what our expectations are. And I think, you know, you just put it so beautifully about how you're able to sort of bridge that gap between the two of you. I'm so happy that you're able to work it out because the strains that you feel from something just the, let alone, the IVF, the infertility journey and the difficulties that people have to endure through all of that. But then when you add loss and the Hamas to that, it has a whole other dimension. And then you're, you're dealing with so many different types of trauma happening and people respond to them in different ways. So, you know, long story short, I'm just so happy that you able to, to work through that together, because that is really a Testament to both of your individually, your strengths and your courage and the love and the bond that you have in your relationship.
Monica Bivas
Absolutely. One thing I can tell you, I, I'm going to be 18 years married with my husband and I love him to death, and I am still in love with him, like the first time. And I feel exactly the same from him to me.
Josephine Atluri
Beautiful. So beautiful. You know another thing that there's just so many things to, to talk with you about Monica, the other thing is when you finally did go through that fifth cycle of IVF, how did that pregnancy feel for you in terms of, you know, as you're going through it after experiencing a stillbirth, did you find that you were able to let go of that past experience and enjoy it? Because for me, after going through a second trimester loss, like I, I hated every minute of my eventual pregnancy. It was many years later, but I just felt like I was trapped and living in this nightmare and just worried that it would end and I didn't enjoy a second event and I felt really guilty and I felt really bitter about it throughout. And, and in retrospect, and as I think about it, like I don't, I try not to live in regret. I try like to be as positive as I can and take lessons learned. But, you know, in thinking back on that time for me, I really do regret that I didn't take that opportunity to really enjoy finally being pregnant, because it was something that I had been hoping for. And, and then to turn it into this experience that I just didn't enjoy just for me, it was a regret. So I'm curious to hear what that fifth IVF journey that final pregnancy of your second daughter was like for you.
Monica Bivas
Yeah. It's just in all of the films that you were describing your pregnancy after your loss of the greens is incredible. I felt that in the pregnancy of my Sunbeam and I can't understand the guilt feeling that you can feel over dread because when I lost her, when they still birth happened, I was like, if we didn't give them myself, I was like, Oh my gosh, I didn't enjoy the pregnancy or not connect with that or all of that. And then they're all kind of feelings work with any the opposite on my pregnancy with Maya, which is my fixed cycle. So the thing is actually it's fifth cycle. This pregnancy is what started to inspire me, working more, being the con finally learn how to find balance, not perfection, but balance in accepting that, you know, I'm not going through a difficult, I'm not going through an easy time because IVF is not easy.
I know that being aware of what I am going to feel the ups and downs, the fears they're what if they're going to be in the bathroom and check every time, you know, my underwear, if I'm bleeding, all of that, being more aware. And because of the loss of the surveil, I was very upset on gas on, I learned that it's okay, that we can be upset on Gato because you asked, where is that why this happened to me? I am not a bad person. I'm a good person. I didn't do nothing bad to no one. And then to the other suite. So I learned, and I say, you know what? I'm maybe I wasn't far from God, I'm going to start to pray more. And I bought my, a pregnancy book and all of that. But when my around 22 weeks, I start to feel the baby, I didn't know it was a girl because I didn't know.
I didn't want to know what she was. My husband wanted to know. So when we went to the sonogram, I told him, if you want to know, they can tell him, don't tell me. So they told him and they told me, and I'm like, okay with that. But when she start to move, they want to feel that it was a little bit of a nightmare because I learned perfectly to count her movements and see at what times exactly she will move. Even when I was sleeping, she used to move. I will never forget. She used to move every time when I was sleeping between two 15 to two 30 in the morning, if these baby will not move in that range of time, I would wake up like crazy woman, wake up my husband, almost giving him a heart attack, telling him to bring me orange juice, because I needed to make sure that the baby would move.
So I, during that pregnancy, they never let her sleep. And she is hyper like crazy. She's a little earthquake, but that's, you know, during that time, when she started to move, it was a little nightmare, but still like, kind of like fine violence. So whatever regrets we feel when we have losses, they are absolutely okay on whatever regrets we feel when we get pregnant again, when we have a loss, it's totally okay. Because you know, there is nothing bath in life or difficult or sad that will not bring you joy. It's Wiley because that's life like it's balanced, you know, like black and white like that. Why there is law because you need faith. We need to learn to switch it. You know why there is Spain because there is happiness. You need to know both. So what wrote me all these, this smugness, or be some bail and my miscarriage will be to a place that I needed to learn balance.
And you know, what helped me to heal completely. And I can tell you that completely healed and lots of avail, I truly believe. And this is my belief. This is my feeling that it's spirit babies kids. So it was as a barn when it goes our part in that city. So I am that the soul of my it's a male is the same soul in my Maya with different vehicle. My eyes, of course, she's a unique person, somebody the same soul. It came back to me that little soul. So when I lost her, when he wasn't still very, it was not the time to come. So when, when she born, when she was born, my husband was the one, the first one that saw her because they wanted also to make sure that she born gold and she don't have breathing problems and all of that.
And then when he brought her to me and put her on my chest and what moment I think I was for viewing, because like you said, that gave me feelings of, you know, when you lose a baby, I was, so I was feeling so guilty that I did something wrong, that it was my fault that I lost it's avail. That that was one of the things that he was still there on me even after you know, after the pregnancy and all of that during the pregnancy of mine, when he put it on my arms, really good feet feeling once it's gone, totally gone.
Josephine Atluri
That's such a beautiful story. And, you know, I thank you for being honest about how you felt during the pregnancy. You know, we often don't talk about it enough so that people think that, you know, once you finally become pregnant, after going through infertility treatments and even after loss, that it solves the problem, but we all know that it doesn't really, you know, it doesn't solve it, that there's a lot of work that needs to be done in order to do so. And so your honesty about what that was like for you really contributes to that openness and that conversation and that honesty that helps other people really feel less alone. So thank you, Monica for opening up about that. And that's so beautiful about how her soul came into,uinto your child's, you know, Isabelle soul came into your child's life. I think that's just so touching and fitting and, you know, you share it already with us, some of the lessons that you learned,uI'd like to hear then, you know, you've transitioned over into a new chapter into your life where you now help other people who on their are their own path to Parenthood as a certified fertility coach. So I'd love for you to share with us just how,uyou help people now in their journey and in what capacities you're able to do that.
Monica Bivas
Yes, of course, Josephine. So we are very similar in our approach because of, you know, our own journeys. I truly believe because of my own experience too, that the emotional part of our journey is something that is a very big meeting piece, eh, between us, the station on the Creek. And that's what I tell you, you know, like I, I wished I would have the support that we find today through people like you like me, like other beautiful women and men also in the community, because yeah, the clinics you go, they help you with all the medical part and physical, but they are never paying attention on the emotional impact of this process in effect. That's how we can learn to create a little bit balance in, in walking these paths. So I am basically that. I think that I am that missing piece in between the patient and the clinic.
And today I can see that a lot of clinics offer that. So my approach is very mindset and mindset. If not, I'm going to make that very clear because these kinds of things sometimes trigger people in our community mindset is not toxic positivity. I, you know, one of the things that I always try to explain anyone about that is mindset is allowing yourself to feel your feelings, no matter if they're positive or negative, the walking to your knee, like the one that we both walk while walking is not easy. And and I understand why a lot of people can get triggered because, you know, it's like, Oh, think positive, you know, train your consciousness. Yes, it's true. We can turn our consciousness and subcontinents into positive thoughts on what we throw to the universe is what it's come to us. But at the same time to get there, we need to also be aware on allow our feelings of sadness, crying, a ranting, terracing, a pain to be felt why we couldn't by feeling them prior, but by recognizing and be aware that they are there, that this is not easy, that I am walking a very difficult part.
We cleaning out. We are basically letting go that feelings, opening the space for new ones, and then have this narrative in our mind of, okay, let me see what I can do next. Like I told you two minutes ago, bath exceeds because there is good. And when we know that there is one and that tedious amount of one, we create balance. So when you be aware, okay, I'm entering IBS. Now that I know all of there's so many years, so I know what his ideas is cheating, you know, it's wow. Oh my gosh. I wish to go and get pregnant, not to Valley, but the mentoring, these, these paths, what I'm going to do is difficult. Financially draining financially is another thing that is very impactful is this and that. And I'm going to feel conscious. I'm going to be a feel of fear. I'm going to feel tired.
I'm going to cry. I'm going to think that my period, all of that is going to come. Okay, perfect. So this is how I can work in a way that I'm not going to go crazy with these because my only focus is baby. So let me see what I can do. So there is meditations community. We are here to support you. Look for someone that is working or have walked the same path. So they know what you are feeling in your choice. You know, if you are not open or you don't want to be open with the community, but you find someone that you can feel connection. So let's see, this is my friend, or this is a person that I can talk and be open. You know, talk about it in your feelings. You want to cry, you know, go cry. You want to run around. You want to curse, curse and, and allow that to happen. Very important. Very important. Yes, it will give me a goal is baby, but don't make the need to say that we, these, that ID now we are so focused on it that as the only thing that basically is in the world, because that's, [inaudible], I need somehow blocking that goal. So this is very typically my approach.
Josephine Atluri
I love that. And, you know, as you were you're right, we were very much on the, on the same page in terms of our approach. And I had a big smile on my face when you brought up the term toxic positivity, because it has been weighing on my mind for so long such that I am actually going to be speaking to Kristyn of the fertility tribe on Instagram next week, doing a live, talking about it because it's, the term is just being thrown around. It's made its way into the infertility community. And I understand it, and I understand where people are coming from, but you're everything you said is exactly my feelings on it in that, you know, it's, it's not that we're not asking you to feel everything that you're going through. That's not what our message of mindset and positivity is about.
It's asking you to first take that step of feeling the full expression of what you're going through, because you can't, you know, move on in, in your healing process and in your journey, if you don't acknowledge all of those things. And, and rather than just, just like bearing it all within. And so I think that's where it's helpful to have someone such as yourself, Monica, who is a coach to help guide people on that journey of being able to face those really powerful. And they're scary emotions. You know, it is easier to sometimes just allow it to fade into the background or just shove it inside rather than addressing it and confronting it. And so having someone like yourself nowadays, to be able to sort of guide someone as they're going through this process is just so immensely helpful. I wish I had a fertility coach myself as I was going through the process and had all these tools like the meditation that I'm teaching and the mindfulness and all of these things would have been so amazing back then. And then speaking of tools, you do also have the, a book called the IVF planner and a fertility coloring book. So I'd love for you to just quickly share with us what these tools are and how they can offer help to people who are trying to conceive.
Monica Bivas
Yes, of course. So the idea of flying, it's basically, you know, like a book that has some you know, a refund with a conception of what IVF is, how you can find your R E the basically unique and some instructions, of course, my story too, but he's more of that kind of charts that we have. You know, I used to have little papers all the time, taking the numbers of, you know, like a lot during the, after the two week week. And he was so crazy Joseph in that I was so messy and then eventually they get lost and it put more stress. So you realize that if we have some kind of a journal of our journey, it helped us a lot more. The IVF planner has all of that, the medical charts in places where you can put your appointments, your blood test results, [inaudible] there is a chapter the two week wait, actually, it's a chapter that I think that he's good because, you know, during this time we are going more crazy than ever it's that waiting time.
So I found out that Korea TVD on our therapy during that time helped me unload, especially in my last cycle. So, you know, keeping in mind a little time and handle a little bit better, that craziness and nervousness that come with that. And then from that little Mondelez that I put in that chapter, I create another book that he's going to launch, hopefully in the middle of January, that calls ranting doula is a fertility coloring book. And why I put it round thing to those because, you know, we are always ranting about that word, crazy IBF. They, I don't feel good. I went to pee and I was bleeding. So it's all it's, it's a cute book, cartoony kind of style in which people can color eggs and the sperms and frozen eggs. And then they even some fact to anything. And actually the illustrator of that book is one of our friends in the community is Shayla Alexander.
And it's beautiful on why they are tools, because one in your journal for your medical part and your, you know, your daily tests, when you go to your thing needs and they all, there is a part of the mindset of being, allowing yourself to be creative. And, and you know, that creativity is something that help any person in any kind of issue. When, you know, when there is a saying that says, when Julia know what to do, eh, art, I mean, it's so true when you are like sitting in a place and finally your mind doesn't find anything to do, even though you're not enough because it helps a lot with that. So this is my two volts. It's that when I'm at a little bit between the middle of the vocal about my stillbirth, because I think that Ms. Parrish on Lowe's and the steam Vera is something that a lot of women are going through Josephine and they don't talk about it. And they are so like in jail, in their own jail because they want, and they don't know how to do it. Right.
Josephine Atluri
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for these wonderful two tools. It's so great to be able to have just more resources, to be able to help you along your journey and to help you feel less alone. And, you know, speaking of that whole idea of mindset, I always love to end my podcast interviews by asking my guests to share their gratitude for today. So I'd love to hear yours.
Monica Bivas
Okay. So I explored that gratitude. I found something that I found a while ago, and it gave me because it kind of identify with the pain that I went through and also the healing. And it said fine does not always heal all wounds, but discovering the truth has a funny way of shaping this course. It's, it's spelled poorly, you know, they say time heals, but sometimes time takes forever. And then when we learn about our journey and we set to see why it happens under both of what happens in that journey, help us to check that scars, that they are still not healed.
Josephine Atluri
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that that quote that's so fitting and in the spirit of giving and receiving, I'd love for you to share with the audience, how they can connect with you and work with you.
Monica Bivas
Oh, okay. My darling. So usually I'm very active in Instagram, as you know, that's where we met each other. My handle is @Monicabivas people also can connect with me in my website, www monicabivas.com And also I have a Facebook group that's called the IVF journey and they can find me there. I bring a lot of speakers to that. Can't, you know, author their own approach because sometimes people don't get connect directly with you. So I always like to refer and collaborate with others. And I also have a special discount for your audience for different fertility bracelets that I offer in my website too, on also the book.
Josephine Atluri
Wonderful. Thank you so much, Monica, it's been such a pleasure to finally speak with you, and I appreciate greatly the the stories and the advice that you shared with us today.
Monica Bivas
Thank you so much.
Josephine Atluri
Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode with Monica. I hope you found her story and her wonderful advice as helpful as I did for more insight and information, and how to connect with Monica, be sure to visit her website, Monica beavis.com and her Instagram. Be sure to check out her fertility journey on her site, as well as she offers a discount that will be listed in the episode summary. So listen to past episodes of responding to life, be sure to hop onto my website jatluri.com and they'll find numerous episodes covering topics on wellness and fertility and Parenthood. You'll also find on my site, free video meditations to try links to articles I've written and interviews I've had on other podcasts, talking about mindfulness meditation and my fertility journey. Thank you again for joining me today. And I look forward to sharing another episode with you next week.